My alabaster jar

As I worship God I’m able to pour out my heart to my savior. For many years I stood on the sidelines singing the songs but truly missing the point of praise and worship. I was so focused on the trying to be the perfect Christian, that I felt the need to masquerade through life hiding behind that image. I failed to connect, I failed to give my all. It wasn't intentional, but I was always holding something back, I was clinging to my alabaster jar. 

As Jesus was dining there was an unexpected guest. This wasn't someone considered worthy of Jesus, she was a well-known a sinner. People began to mutter, but she wasn't worried about people’s reaction. At that moment her faith was larger than her fear. Nothing was holding her back. She was ready to give everything she had to Jesus. Her alabaster jar represented everything, her life savings, her future. She laid down her dream of a family by giving up her potential dowry. In this sacrifice, she gave herself completely. This was her token of love. 

In this amazing illustration the vessel had to be broken for the oil to be released. It is through trials and tribulations that I became broken. In that moment of desperation I brought all of my broken pieces and laid them at his feet. I didn't hold back because he wanted all of me, even the ugly parts that I tried to hide. I would not have made it this far if it hadn't been for abundance of grace that he has showered on me. His response “ I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 

The fragrance released from my alabaster jar changed the atmosphere of my heart. I began to die to myself as I surrendered my dreams, my fears, my everything. All I have to give is nothing compared to what he gave for me. It’s only in my brokenness that the precious oil of Jesus begins to pour out. That sweet smelling savor had been trapped inside my precious alabaster jar.

Hope in Front of Me

"My life without Christ is a hopeless end.
With Christ it is endless hope"

When I first came to CR I was hopeless. I believed that I had fallen too far from grace since I felt was no way a Christian could knowingly continue in sin in overindulgence. That burden of hopelessness was too much carry. It paralyzed me during the beginning stages of my recovery. But God is faithful and He wrapped his arms of love around me, reminding me that he bore all of my sins - past, present, and future. Wow. I was comforted by his peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) as he reassured me that I was completely forgiven. It’s difficult to comprehend, but God not only forgave me, he wiped my slate clean promising to remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12). I no longer felt separated from Him because he lifted the weight of condemnation and shame. I no longer needed to focus on the greatness of my sins. I began to focus on the greatness of my savior. For the first time I began to have hope again. 

 My Sponsor kept challenging me not to quit before the miracle happened. That hope is what opened the door to the next level of recovery. By his grace I was finally able to forgive myself and His grace is what kept bringing me closer and closer to him. God is now using my story to give hope to others.

Even as I face the largest mountain that I've ever endured, there is still hope in front of me.  God promises me that He has the best intentions for me and that I still have a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know that I'm going to be ok because his hands are still holding me.

You are stronger

Jesus I need you now; without you I will fall apart.  I need you to come down to rescue me from this storm, to lift me up to where you are. I need your grace, your unmerited favor.  You are my one defense, my righteousness.  If you are for me, who can be against me?

 Help me to see you clearly and to know you more, even through the fog that surrounds me.  Your word assures me that grace and peace are multiplied through the knowledge of Jesus and you have given me everything I need (2 Peter 1:2). I desperately need you during this season.  I cannot move this mountain, but you can. I need your strength and abundance to be my guide.   I know that your ways are higher than my limited wisdom can ever achieve.  

Powerless

It’s been said that when your pain becomes greater than you fear you are ready for change. That was what it took for me to step out of denial with the alcoholism. For so long I tried to maintain the perfect image. I was too prideful to ask for help. Thus began the vicious cycle of one more glass to help me relax, to get through another day. Even in this current storm I have been hindered by fear. I hate seeing how my past has been misconstrued in such a way that it is still causing pain to the people I care about most. I once again admit that I’m powerless. 

 My daily prayer is the serenity prayer – The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I cannot control the events that our happening, but I seek God for grace and guidance to know my part. As I pray, as I cry out to God to help me, his response isn’t what I’ve wanted. He has given me exactly what I needed a season to help others. I have a purpose and am used by him.

“ It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

 For problems far too big for me to solve are piled higher than my head. Meanwhile my sins, too many to count, have all caught up with me, and I am ashamed to look up. My heart quails within me. Please, Lord, rescue me! Quick! Come and help me! Confuse them! Turn them around and send them sprawling—all these who are trying to destroy me. Disgrace these scoffers with their utter failure! But may the joy of the Lord be given to everyone who loves him and his salvation. May they constantly exclaim, “How great God is!” I am poor and weak, yet the Lord is thinking about me right now! O my God, you are my helper. You are my Savior; come quickly, and save me. Please don’t delay! (Psalm 40:12-17 TLB)

There is a rainbow behind the storm clouds

This storm caught me by surprise.   Since recovery my life has been smooth sailing, or it was until 2 months ago.  Now, on the surface my boat appears to be sinking.   I’m shoveling buckets of water out but the rain keeps coming.  The enemy wants me to sink, to give up, to lose hope.  He wants me to take that drink. At times part of me wants to resort to my old ways of coping, but I’m thankful the reservoir of hazy memories of my former drinking days reminds me of the dangers of that path.  Relapse is not an option.  

But how do I look beyond the storm?  I have to take my eyes off myself, my situation.   I cannot become bitter by the lies or allow myself to fall into self-pity.    Jesus is still in the boat with me.  He hasn’t given up on me so I cannot be overcome by the waves of fear and doubt. I must remain optimistic.  My life still has purpose even though several of my dreams have been shattered.  No storm can blow me out of His hand.

Though my situation is desperate, God is a deliverer of miracles and able to do far more than I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).  So I must have faith.  How does faith work during the storm?   I either trust Him or I don't.   There is no middle ground.  As much as I wish he would have prevented the storm, I have to trust that He sees the bigger picture.   Most of this is beyond my control, but nothing is out of His control.   I will trust even when things do not appear to be going as I would like. His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are His ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8).   Sometimes a simple change in perspective allows me to see the rainbow hidden by the storm clouds.   

Calming the Storm

I recently heard a pastor say, “The journey is never is explained, only the destination.  Jesus never warned about the storm on the journey.”    Sometimes it is difficult to take my eyes off the storm and focus on the destination, and how this too will be used for my good and his glory.  At first I was overwhelmed and lacked hope.  It was like I had fallen into the same pit I was when I came to Celebrate Recovery  3 years ago.  Thankfully I didn’t stay there.   I quickly remembered that He is still right here beside me in the midst of this raging storm and I know that He will not let me go.  I trust Him and now that He is somehow using this situation for my good and His glory.  

When the disciples cried out to Jesus during the storm, He remained calm.  He wasn’t worried or caught off  guard. “He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:26 NIV  Today I keep crying out for him to calm the storm in my life, but the rain seems to be getting harder.  The never ending downpour of lies from my accuser is almost unbearable.   Yet I remain grateful that I have a peace, knowing that He is here calming the storm inside me.   

Praise you in this storm

Dear Lord, I want to experience you, to rest in your arms.. I want to be fascinated by you, by who you are. Show me how to truly focus on you so that I will have true faith in this trial. Show me how to abide in you and to rest in you. 

God has a gift for me of himself that will enable me to stand in this storm and experience who God is for me. I have to learn to live in the question and the waiting, without allowing the lack of answers to interrupt my communion with him.  Even though I don't understand the reasons, my walk can be enjoyable in the process. I don’t need an outcome to be happy. Sometimes that is easier said than done, but I'm learning to lean on Him, to praise Him during the storm.

I don't have to feel like I'm all alone in this.  Though I cannot see the end, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes I have to experience the storm to enjoy the rainbow at the end.