In Better Hands Now

I gave my life to Jesus at an early age. Though I had confessed Him as Lord, and believed in my heart that He died for my sins,it wasn’t until recently that I’ve started surrendering my will to Him. This is something that I have to do constantly, sometimes multiple times a day.

At times, this is still a struggle. I'm use to living my life on auto-pilot, just cruising through life. I haven't been intentional about seeking his guidance and help throughout the day.  As a result, I have missed out of so many of His gifts, His power. My willingness to turn things over is getting easier, since I've realized that my will power isn’t enough. I have tried to do things my way, and in my power, but my will power is nonexistent. Even though I attempt to control my actions (and those of other people), my control is only an optical illusion.

I just need to let go and quit trying to get in the way.So often I go to God & give him my cares and burdens. Then a short time later I discover that I’m still carrying it around. I also realize that my flesh is so weak and often gets in the way. Why am I still crawling around like a babe in Christ. It’s time to grow up in my salvation.

The Verdict - Not guilty

I'll be honest. I was so ashamed of the mistakes I made that it took months for me to accept God's forgiveness. I kept carrying around the guilt and shame.  Day after day I kept asking God to forgive me, but the thing is, he already had. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I realized that God was faithful, even when I wasn't (2 Timothy 2:13).  No mater what mistakes I've made, His grace is abundant.  I am no longer held  captive by the guilt.  By the blood of Jesus, I have been declared not guilty, and this not guilty verdict is for all of the sins, even the ones committed after salvation.  I've been fully acquitted and have a spotless record in the eyes of my savior.  

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1 

Turning Point(Step 3)

Relying on my own understanding led me down the wrong path.   For so long I believed in my abilities and thougth too highly of myself.  I tried to handle things and resolve problems in my own power.  I grew faint and as the business of life crept in,  I was caught off guard.   I had allowed my priorities to get out of order and my relationship with God fizzled.

As life got unmanageable, I isolated from others, believing that I had to keep up with all the work that I was doing.  Another area that got in me in trouble was taking things to God and pleading with Him to guide me, only to get impatient and try to figure it by myself.   On my own, I grew weary, depressed, and turned to other things to mask my pain. 

Eventually, I hit rock bottom.   I found myself at a point that I knew I had to turn back.   It wasn’t until I was hanging on by my last thread, that I lost my strength to hang on.  The moment I let go and quit trying to save myself, I realized that the arms that hold the universe were holding me & will never let me go. 

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1

Unrealistic Expectations

I’m beginning to realize that most of my expectations have been unrealistic.  Before coming to Celebrate recovery, I was overcommitted and thought that I could accomplish everything on my own.   I believed that I was strong enough to handle it all.  I didn’t reach out to others, for I had to maintain my perfect image.  I just pushed on to accomplish more.  When I failed to meet my unrealistic expectations, I grew depressed & tired.   I tried to control my children, my husband, and my environment.  If they would just do it my way, things would work out.  This left me exhausted.

As a spoiled only child, I’ve always expected those around me (my husband and dad) to cater to my desires.  As the economy fell, I pushed my husband to try harder to find a way to provide for our family in the manor we had grown accustomed to.  In the end I felt disappointed and unfulfilled, more unrealistic expectations.  I also expected my friends and family to be there, even though I failed to reach out and be transparent with them. All of these unrealistic expectations have left me feeling hurt, empty, with a low self-esteem.

 Even now, I still struggle with expecting my children to conform to a certain image.  I try to control their attitude sand behaviors.   I need help in find that balance between being a parent and letting them be children.   I need to step back and quit trying to control everything about my life.  I need to trust that my heavenly daddy can do a much better job that I’m capable of attempting on my own.  I need to learn how to commit all of my life and will to His care & control.  

I’m ready to quit trying to control everyone & everything.  I want to trust God & follow His lead.  I’m also ready to see myself in His eyes.  I’m so tired of replaying the negative thoughts & worrying about how others will perceive me.  I recently heard a quote of Ethel Barrett that kind of hit home, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”

Trusting my Emotions

In the past, trusting only in my feelings and emotions got me into trouble; it led me in the wrong directions. In the past my husband and I followed our emotions and desires as we chased after the next big thing.  We made some poor financial decisions as a result. All the while, we justified our choices.  Proverbs 16:2 tells us that all the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but God knows the motives.  Though we justified our actions, God knew our hearts. 

 I based how I thought I should look, on those around me. I became obsessed with losing weight.  I felt that I wasn’t harming myself or others, so I justified my eating disorder.  I also overcommitted myself.  For some reason I felt that I had to handle the added responsibilities on my own,    but the added stress seemed more than I could handle.   I felt that I deserved a drink to help me wind down and ease the stress.  Trusting in my emotions led me into depression. I tried to drown my feelings of depression with wine, but in the end I was exhausted, depressed, and bitter towards that closet to me.  As a result of following my emotions, I have lost and missed out some of the amazing blessings that God had in store.

Insanity

Insanity has been defined as “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  Though I was doing the same thing over and over (turning to wide to mask my pain) I don’t think I was truly expecting different results.  Even today, I keep falling into old patterns of trying to control those around me, or focusing on myself rather than God.  I surrender all to God.  I give him my worries, my needs, my desires, but never fully let go long enough for Him to accomplish His Will.   I pray not my will but His will, then I try to control and fix things in my power. 

How do I get off track and end up doing the same things again.  It always begins with a shift of focus.  I take my eyes off of my “higher power” and start looking to self.  This self-centeredness ALWAYS leads me astray. Sometimes, I start thinking about good things, wwhether it be my recovery, my testimony, my life, I talk about what I’ve done, when in reality its only by his grace and mercy that I’m alive.  When I recognize this, I immediately confess and lay aside my arrogance, only to end up at the opposite extreme of feeling unworthy and not good enough.   It’s during these low points that I get distracted & begin to live in fear and doubt. 

 

So how do I leave the insanity behind?  I start thinking about God, not me. I truly put Him first and learn to rely on Him for everything.  

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exist, that I matter to Him, and the He has the power to help me recover."Happy are those who Mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: : I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)

How Great is Our God ( Step 2)

I believe that there is one true God, the creator of the universe & all that is. He is the beginning and the end. He sent His only son, Jesus, to pay my ransom, a debt that I couldn’t pay.

God is all knowing, yet at times I try to hide from him. He is faithful, even when I’m not. He remains the same. He is awesome in power and strength, even when I’m weak. He is my protector and provider. He is loving, with an unconditional love. He is jealous for me and desires a personal relationship with me. He is forgiving and truly able to wash my sins as white snow. He is compassionate, just as a father has compassion towards his child. He is holy, blameless, & just. There is no one like Him; He is the name above all names. He is perfection, everything I’m not. My God is for me and on my side. He is the only reason life is worth living.

Hope Now (Step 2)

As my life was spiraling out of control, I had let go of hope.  I had accepted that the business and stress were a season of life that must be endured.  Rather than turn to hope, I tried to control my environment and those around me to the best of my ability.  When I fell short of my expectations I grew depressed, tired, & lonely, I turned to alcohol, not for hope, but to temporarily mask the pain. I also turned to my eating disorder for a quick fix, but failed to explore the root issues that caused me to over eat in the first place.

How do you Feel? Close to God or separated

I know that I matter to God & that He is the only one that has the power to help me recover (Principle 2), but there are times that I don’t feel close to God. I’m so thankful that my relationship with Him isn’t based on emotions or feelings.  One thing remains as His love never  gives up on me. Emmanuel which  means “God with us,” assures me that He is always there. I must learn to walk by faith and not by sight or circumstance. 

My Own Little World

Tonight I shared my testimony again. It never ceases to amaze me at what part God uses to speak life into someone else, or even myself. The tears started flowing before it was my turn to speak.

Inviting your non CR friends makes for a new experience, but begins the next stage of the restoration process.   I’m truly beginning to realize when you invite someone into the messiness of your life; they will hold your hand on the journey.

I’m also beginning to realize that “there is a bigger picture” to my recovery journey. God is starting to show me that my purpose stretches beyond the walls of my church, of my comfort zone.

Though it’s getting easier, I’m still reluctant to share. I've heard it said that it’s easier to share the story when you know the ending. I guess I'm leaning a deeper faith and reliance on God as this chapter remains open.

Loneliness is a Choice (Step 1)

I believe that loneliness is a choice. There have been times that I’ve felt lonely, even though I was surrounded by a crowd of people.

I believe that loneliness is a result of multiple choices. When I reminisce on the months preceding my lowest point there were several choices that led to my depression. Some of the isolation was intentional but some was caused by circumstances beyond my control. I failed to take time for myself, and was running on empty. I thought I was being selfish when I wanted a break. I denied my pain, made excuses, placed blame, and tried to rationalize my feelings. All of these were choices that I made that led me deeper into a state of depression and denial.

Today, I still struggle with feelings that I’m the only one going through this and worry how others will react. This too, causes a mental isolation from those around me. I realize that loneliness is a mindset, and I must be intentional about renewing my mind and abstaining from this self-inflicted pain.

• Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong things and that my life is unmanageable. "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." ( Matthew 5:3
• Step 1: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and compulsive behavior, that my life had become unmanageable. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to what is good. but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18

Resentments

In the past I have held on to resentments. I allowed them to take root and affect my life. I gave the other person power as I wasted hours thinking about them and how I felt wronged. I allowed the negative feelings to rob joy from my life and leave me feeling depressed. It created a sense of uneasiness, every time I was around the person.

One of the most difficult relationships has been with my mom. I never had a good relationship with her in the past, and really didn’t desire a relationship with her. Though CR, I’ve been able to work through those resentments and have forgiven her from past hurts. I also had to ask for forgiveness. With forgiveness there is freedom to move forward and leave the past in the past

One thing that really helped, was when my sponsor told me to consider the people who wronged me as sick people – just like me. Then she suggested that I show them the same tolerance I would show a sick friend. That helped me make sense of my feelings, but I was overwhelmed as we continued to work the resentment inventory. She asked me how I had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and all the things that angered me in others. I realized that I was guilty of the same things. I realized that the name, at the top of my resentment list, should be my own. for  

Powerless (Step 1)

I felt powerless & guilty for not being able to handle everything on my own, but I failed to reach out. I felt pwoerless when I couldn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations, so I tried even harder.  I felt guilty when I felt depressed, so I turned to alcohol to mask the pain.  I felt that I should be able to accomplish more.   I tried to control my life to the best of my ability.  Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. I failed miserably.  As hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to do fix things in my own strength.  But the thing is, God never intended for me to do life alone. 

There are things in my past that I’m not proud of, but I’ve learned many valuable lessons. Typically, I keep moving forward.  But this season isn’t passing by as quickly as I would like, so I still have a few “what-if’s” that like to distract me.   If only we hadn’t been so foolish and selfish with our money.  If only I hadn’t started drinking.  If only I would have reached out for help.  If only I hadn’t isolated myself. 

Sharing My Story

Last night there was new comer whose story has many similarities to mine.  It seemed a little too close to home as I shared the rest of my story for the first time. Yes, I actually shared the storm and the details surrounding it. She shared how the storm in her life is already active. We talked and cried and shared stories.  I'm probably one of the few people that can truly relate to the pain and fear that she is consumed with.

I’m so honored that God us using my mess as a message of hope to others.  There is a new sense of awareness about me today.  It’s also a great reminder of how far I’ve come.   It’s also a reminder of how delicate my situation is. It's hard to believe that even the scary parts can be used to reach others where they are. I'm trying to be faithful and share with transparency, but the "what if's" start whispering.   Fear tries to sneak in. All I can do is pray.

O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.  Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish.  How long, O lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.  (Psalm 6:1-4)

It's All About Him

I love our step study group.   I’m so amazed at the unity and trust that is forming, and it’s only the first lesson.  I’m so honored to be part of this group.   As one of the co-leaders the temptation to keep up my “perfect image” lingers around, but I’m so thankful that I have been transparent.  It wasn’t easy sharing my recent slip-ups or how beyond my comfort zone leaderships seems, but I’m glad it’s out there.  There are still several more messy layers to share, but I’m moving in the right direction.

The thing I must remember is that this isn’t about me or what I’ve done.  The story of my life is a story about the grace and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes I get distracted and allow my focus to turn inward, but that kind of thinking always leads me astray.  Rather than focus on my problems, I need to focus on the One who holds the solution. It’s all about Him.

Moving On - Stepping out of Denial & into God's Grace

I’m learning that stepping out of denial is a never ending process. In my first Celebrate Recovery step study I started getting annoyed by this, but now realize that the closer I get to God, the more I want to involve Him in all areas.  Denial is a mask that I wear in attempt to hide my pain and issues from myself & others. It’s the process of hiding my flaws in a dark closet that no one else can see. But God is light and in him there is no darkness. The first step in addressing denial is exposing my issues to the light of truth. I can no longer sugar coat my issues. I can no longer walk through life on auto-pilot. I must maintain an awareness and “consciously choose” to surrender to His will. It's time to move on.

Another essential part in moving past denial is complete transparency with my accountability team. When I share my thoughts and open my heart, they can identify the warning signs quicker than me. When I’m not transparent, I find myself it the scary pitfall of relapse. "Confess you sins one to another and pray for each other that you may be healed "(James 1:5). I want to be healed.

In the past I didn’t handle pain and disappointment very well. I would take it out on my husband and those closest to me. I attempted to mask the emotions with a few glasses of wine. Though it helped relax me, it was a coping method I used to avoid my issues. It was a way for me to stay in denial. As I’m stepping out of denial, I’m learning to address issues and disappointments quickly, so that no resentments take root. I’ve come so far, but there is still a-long way to go. At times, I still struggle with obsessing over disappoints and negative thoughts about myself. One day at a time, I’m learning to surrender all areas to God, but often don’t let go long enough for transformation to take place. One major difference is that I no longer isolate myself during difficult times, as I’m learning to be transparent with my support team.

For years, I’ve tried to do things my way. I never intended to harm myself, but my delusional thoughts have kept me trapped in denial. I have hidden behind a false sense of pride, though I’ve always been consumed with inferior feelings. I’m ready to start seeing myself how God sees me. I’ve taken my body for granted and have not been treating it as I should. So I’m breaking the effects of denial by learning to view myself through God’s eyes and treating my body in a healthy way. This begins with eating healthier so that I’m not tempted with my eating disorder, but also includes maintaining an awareness of my thought life. My body is His temple – a beautiful creation that should be treated with honor.

I'm Moving On (Rasal Flatts)

Step by Step - Stepping out of Denial

Not long ago I believed that I was powerful and in control. I quickly realized this was a facade and I was hiding behind a false sense of pride. Slowly my life spiraled out of control. I wanted to fix things. Even now I have the desire to change me but unfortunately I do not have the power. If I did, I wouldn’t be struggling with so many character defects.

In the words of Paul, “For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it. 19 I don't do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do” (Romans 7: 18-19 GNT). I now realize that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. My power is limited to living one day at a time as I surrender to God. Though I have the desire to control or fix my life, I need the help of my Savior to help me rise above the messiness I created trying to do life on my own.

Confession Time

I’ve tried to ignore the fact that I recently relapsed in the area of my eating disorder. A few weeks ago I took a blue chip, but failed to share the true reasons with those around me. I shared that I was starting to obsess about my weight and how I was struggling with low self-esteem. I shared the warning signs that signal I’m on the verge of a relapse, but I conveniently left out the rest of the story on how I purged on 2 occasions. And now I’ve experienced 2 more slip-ups since I took the chip.

The uncontrollable urges to binge and purge came out of nowhere, and caught me off guard. My first reaction was disbelief, since I had been successful in this area for almost 5 months.

Then I began to justify how it was only a minor relapse and that this area is so different than my addictions. I’ve truly been delivered from my alcohol addiction (11 months of sobriety) & I’ve abstained from diet pills for over a year now. The few timed that I’ve craved alcohol I immediately reached out to my sponsor and accountability partner. When I sense possible triggers, I reach out and share my concerns of possible temptation.

But I really haven’t talked about my eating disorder. I’ve tried to avoid the struggles; after all I only had a mild case. I’ve also avoided discussing the slip-ups because relapse was not an option in my mind. The perfectionist side of me expected that I would be the person that never relapsed in any area. I was usually a straight A student so why wouldn’t I be the perfect recovery participant?

But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t truly dealt with my eating disorder. I mentioned it in recovery and stopped the actions. I asked God for forgiveness, but never dealt with the root issues or causes. I haven’t dealt with the fact that I eat way too much and then hate myself afterwards. I haven’t dealt with my negative self-image and how I’ve hidden behind a false of sense of pride, most of my life.

Friends are a Special Hug From God

What a fun day!  We we went to a little café for lunch to celebrate Rochelle on her birthday.  I finally got to meet her Deb (her mentor).  For a couple of hours, the business of life seemed to fade, and the 3 of us shared fellowship & laughter.    

 I feel so blessed to have such uplifting relationships.  For a few years I isolated myself.  I had acquaintances, but really never let anyone in. My only real friend lived 6 hours away.  Due to distance and busy lives, I even shut her out of my struggles and depression.   I don’t know why, but I did. 

Today I feel so thankful for restored relationships and new friendships.   For a long time I took friends for granted and failed to invest the time and energy into developing true friendships.  I thought I was ok with having acquaintances, but when times got difficult I really had no one nearby that I could turn to.   I never realized how vulnerable I was, trying to do life alone.

I now realize that I not only need friends for the fun times, I need friends that are going to give me sound advice, people that I can be transparent with, and friends that will hold my hand during the difficult seasons of  life.   “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17).

God loves camping.

There is something about camping that slows our pace as we leave behind the chaos of our daily lives. There is a sense of freedom as you explore the unknown. For a moment you are awed at the beauty and the creator's attention to detail in the Texas hill country landscapes, majestic sunsets, and even the sound of coyotes howling in the distance.

For my family camping is a time for relaxation and reflection, a time to stop and enjoy God's creation. We enjoy walks and campfires & learn to find pleasure in the little things. We play games, climb trees, & makes s'mores. We leave behind the business & schedules. For the most part we disconnect from the technology and multi tasking - all the things that were supposed to save time.

Unfortunately the extra time is used to accomplish more, resulting in hectic schedules that won't even fit in an old fashion planner. We are constantly racing off to the next event, bible study, or kids activities with never enough time to stop and connect.

That's not the type of life that we were created for. God wants us to Sabbath, to slow down. Did you know that the word for Tabernacle means "sets up camp?" There is special unity that forms when you tabernacle together, and the distinctive act of camping cause you to slow down and be present in each others lives. Numbers 9:8 says - "And Moses said unto them, Stand still, and I will hear what the LORD will command concerning you."

My Serenity Check-Up

The Celebrate Recovery Leader’s guide suggested a Serenity check-up. “How’s your serenity?” What kind of question is that? My immediate thoughts were pretty confident. My serenity is great; after all I say the serenity prayer every day. But that’s where the problem lies. I’ve memorized the words, I say them aloud, but have failed to let them penetrate my heart.

 

God Grant me the Serenity

I’m admitting that I am powerless and cannot accomplish this on my own. I’ve failed miserably in my attempts to do life in my own power. I turned to alcohol for a temporary respite, to ease the pain, the stress. Though it briefly masked my despair, peace was still lacking. I’ve tried to find peace in things, relationships,& my role as a wife or mother. None of these can fill the void that only He can fill. Only with God’s help am I able to leave behind the baggage of fear, guilt, worry, or the all-consuming what if’s that flood my mind. So today I’m asking God for His peace, which transcends all understanding and will guard my heart and mind in Him(Philippians 4:7).

I'm Running to Your Arms

I’m still trying to process everything that I’m feeling.  The retreat challenged me to a deeper place in my walk.   I know that He is calling me to lead and to share my story.  I was reminded that He doesn’t call the qualified, but He qualifies the called.  

I truly want to surrender all to God.  I say this so easily, and for the moment I mean it.  But for some reason I keep holding back.  I’m afraid to be transparent.  The truth is ugly and I don’t want people to see.   I fail to be honest with those around me.   I know that sharing my story will impact others.  I know that the truth sets us free, but ironically the truth can hinder my freedom.  

I wonder how Eve felt after eating of the fruit.   She was created for a beautiful life in the garden, but lost that life in the blink of an eye.  I wonder how she felt taking those first steps outside of the garden.  Was she full of guilt? Was she afraid?  Did she miss the simplicity and happiness of life in the garden?  That’s where I am today.  

The Hurt and The Healer

This weekend I attended a women’s retreat called Infusion - Filled to overflowing.  WOW!  I’m not sure where to begin.   This experience has been AMAZING.

We were asked to write down our needs for the weekend.   Really?  I’m here to relax.   I never thought about my needs or expectations.    Hmm.  I need to be filled to overflowing.  I need to slow down & intentionally listen.  I need complete healing.  

Of course tears start to trickle as I wrote the last words.   Once again I buried my emotions and tried to pretend all was well. But in reality, the what might have been’s were creeping in.   Here I am in “that” ballroom.  Just a year ago I was here in this very room.  I was a proud mommy of 3 southern belles and 2 American Patriots.  My adorable 5 kiddos adorned the cutest costumes at the party. How things have changed.  For a moment I allowed myself to grieve.   There is still part me of that misses the life I once had.  I wonder what things would be like today, if they were still part of my life.  I wonder how they are doing and who they are becoming.  I wonder about the people that are taking care of them and are tucking them in at night.  Do they realize that there are angels in their presence? 

Another Chapter is Beginning

Today, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.    Leading a group is so beyond my comfort zone.  I’ve even questioned God and myself about leading this step study.  Every time I pray, I receive peace.  It’s only when I start thinking about it, start focusing on my abilities (or lack thereof) that fear arises.  

I’m so thankful that God is patient with me and reassures me.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  (Isaiah 55:8-9)  

Last night I was so amazed at the incredible women that are taking this journey.   I can’t explain it, but the feeling was so different than beginning of my previous step study.   Obviously I’m looking at this experience through different eyes, for I’m not nearly as broken as I was.   But the main thing that amazed me was how much everyone shared about what brought them to this step study. They are so open.  Everyone’s story is so different, yet a bond is already starting to form. 

I’ll admit that I began to feel inferior, even felt that one of the participants was more qualified to lead than me.  Then someone asked if they could hear my entire testimony.  I realized that some of the women don’t even know my story.  Then my mind began to wonder and the what if’s started to creep in.   What if these women knew?  What if the truth about my alcohol addiction surfaces and more consequences are given?  How can I lead this, when I’m not even ready to share the details of my story?  What if the storm moves in?

Though I don’t understand why, I know that God clearly wants me here right now.  I trust his lead.   I’m beginning to realize that God is going to use this experience for me and my healing.    

Father God, Lead me on this journey.  I trust you, I’m following you.  This is yet another chapter in my story, in the story of what you are doing in my life.

And the Second Step Study Begins Tonight

My self image is so negative right now.  For most of my life I’ve dealt with pride and saw myself better than others.  Now, the opposite extreme has taken over.  I feel so unworthy.  Three years ago, I wouldn’t have associated with the person I became.   I would have told you only a weak person would “need” or rely on alcohol.  I would have been confident that I would never walk down that path.   I was a strong woman.  I had everything going for me and I was even serving God.

And here I am now, a recovering alcoholic, a woman that experienced great loss, and only by the grace of God am I enjoying life with my family. 

I’m intimidated about leading a group of woman through the steps.  I just completed the steps myself.   I’ve never led a Bible study before and now I’m co-leading a Celebrate Recovery Step Study.  I understand what I have to give a woman struggling with addictions, but this step study consists of women with hurts and hang-ups, but no addictions.  What do I have to offer? 

What can I tell others?? I can share the healing touch of God that I received and all that He has taught me.   

And He Spoke

WOW!  God is so faithful.  Even as my mind strays and negative emotions enter,   God hears my prayer.  Yesterday’s prayer – “Word of God speak”. And did He speak!  

At 7:43 this morning my sponsor sent me a text asking me to come to her house.  She said that God hadn’t moved her to do this with anyone in a long time and she felt it was important. We worked through a number of exercises.  

I don’t know how to put this experience into word, but I’m so grateful that God is speaking to me and using my sponsor.  I had no clue what I needed or wanted in a sponsor, but I have received so much more than I even asked for.  She seems to know what I need, even when I have no clue.  

Word of God Speak

I know that I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been at a loss for words. I’m reading my devotions and trying to focus, but I feel so inadequate. Why cannot I not find balance with my identity in Christ? My sponsor suggested that I’m an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Once again, I realize she knows me all to well. One day I’m struggling with pride – look at how good I’m doing. Then the next day I’m overwhelmed and feeling down on myself. Here I am again, allowing depression and anxiety to sneak in.

This season of life, is a time that God has called me to share the testimony of what He has done in my life. This is His story, not mine. “The last thing I need to do is be heard but to hear what” God is saying to me and through me.

I'm Letting Go

For a long time I held onto my dreams and desires too tightly. I thought I was in control and that I had it all together, but in the blink of an eye things shattered before me. I found myself at a point where I was ready to give up.

Now I’m learning to let go of the hopes and dreams that I had. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Some areas that require total surrender are so difficult to let go. How do you take dreams that mean so much and lay them at the altar?

The Before & The After

This morning I immediately starting claiming God’s peace for today. I have been struggling with the fact that I’m sharing my story tonight. He reminded me that it isn’t my story, but it’s His story. Friends have been encouraging me, and assuring me that this is yet another part of my healing. I’ll admit that I’m dragging my feet in this area. I know that I can trust God with all things, but for some reason I have trouble letting go. God is comforting me and spoke so clearly through my morning devotions.

“You are Christ’s body – that’s who you are! You must never forge this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything” (1 Corinthians 12:27-28. MSG).

I’m starting to realize what my part means, but I’m hesitant to move in this direction. Honestly, I need to quit hanging on to my fears and let God take control.

Remind Me Who I Am

They enemy constantly tries to bombard us with negativity. Sometimes he reminds us of our past, our failures, our imperfections, or our inabilities. He does everything that he can to distract. He would love to pluck us out of our Heavenly Father’s hand, but he can’t. Since he cannot steal our salvation he is out to rob us of the joy.

Meanwhile, God longs to renew us. Our relationship with God requires a daily renewal. As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve Him. I get frustrated when I realize that there are still areas that I haven’t surrendered, but as I allowed his light to shine in each dark area of my life, the scary shadows began to fade away. When we feel down and defeated, we must remember that the battle has already been won. If we are in Christ, we are a new creation, we belong to Him and can claim that victory in all areas of our lives.

I Surrender All (Principle 5)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."(Phil 4:6-7)/span>

If I truly grasped this, if I truly believed this, I guess I would apply this to all of my fears, even the fear of public speaking. If I had truly surrendered this to God, I wouldn’t be consumed with fear. I’m beginning to realize that this is yet another area that I gave to God, but quickly snatched back and tried to fix myself.

Let me tell you, this is REALLY difficult for me. I have avoided speaking engagemnts at all costs. Just standing in front of a room raises my adreneline as if I were in a life threatening situation.

As I was battling with this fear, my sponsor asked me if I was ready to take the next step, “Are you ready to try teaching a lesson?"

Seriously. What was she thinking? But of course, she knows me too well. Before I could respond with “ NO THANKYOU,” she tells me to pray about it and let her know what God says.

I contact my best friend for support. She will understand where I’m coming from, or so I thought. Dear friend says, “You are an amazing product of God’s work in you life. I think He’s grooming you for public speaking. You really speak wisdom. This is part of your healing and growth.” 

Gulp. That’s the second time this weekend that I’ve been speechless. Can’t I just stay in denial a little bit longer. I don’t want to let go in this area. 

Then another sweet sister’s advice: “Try to Declare that you will be calm! Try not to think nervous... delete that word. ‘So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:6). 

My friends won’t even give me a break. I know [much sarcasm implied] Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. But can’t I avoid this one just a little bit longer?

I’m reminded that Moses had a fear of public speaking. He also tried to avoid it. Even when he struggled in fear, God still used him. God can still use me. I just have to let Him.

My prayer (which yet another CR sister prayed for me)

Dear God, 

Help [me] share [my] story so that [I] have no fear and so that [I] will not so much as trip over a word. Let the power of your Holy Spirit make [my] words sound pure and true to all that hear it. Give [me] peace and comfort and allow [me] to be bold in testament to your holiness and mercy.

 Love, Me 

 

I survived my Testimony

Day 307:  The past few days I have been so stressed and nervous. I finished my testimony almost a month ago, or so I thought.  But for the past week I have been editing and changing things.  I realized that I forgot some key parts of my story. Then I had to find parts to delete. 

Last night I shared my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery Group. I have never been so nervous. At first I was speechless. LOL. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I stood there for a few seconds trying to plot my escape. I was terrified. Even though I'm not a gifted speaker, God still moved and a newcomer's heart was touched. I'm amazed at how God has turned my mess into a message.

Distracted

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God(Psalm 42:1).

Dear God, My desire is to have this same longing for you. I desire to have faith that isn't moved by sight or circumstances. No matter what is happening in the world around me I choose to have faith in you. This type of faith is essential and makes life worth living. As I'm navigating life in the midst of chaos please put a fresh wind in my sails. Love, Me

For the past few weeks, I feel that I have been under a spiritual attack. During this period I have been easily distracted and my temptations have been constant. It’s like I’ve been going through the motions. But I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He wants me to be real.

This morning I read “That's exactly how Satan works. He begins by bombarding our minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, and reasonings. He moves slowly and cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).” (Joyce Meyer)

I honestly believe the enemy is trying to throw everything at me so that I won’t share my testimony tomorrow night. Though I’m very nervous, I know I’m supposed to share. God has turned my mess into a message and I need to share.

Doing Things I don't want to do

I don’t know where to begin. I feel weak & distracted. With all the business of birthdays and preparing to give my testimony, somehow my quiet times have been put on the back burner again. How have I fallen back to this pattern again? It angers me. Am I starting to allow my duties to come before my devotion??? My thoughts are best illustrated in the message translation of Romans 7:16-25.

14-16 Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve

I’m baffled at my behaviors. My spirit is willing but [my] flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). This has been a reminder of my powerlessness and my need to live one day at a time. I’ve come a long way, but I need to keep moving in the right direction. I realize its time to dig a little deeper and start dealing with some of my root issues. This process takes time. I love how Mark Twain puts it, "A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time."

If We Are the Body

At our CR leadership meeting we completed a survey about our personal leadership characteristics. I was amazed at the diversity. There are people in the group that are complete opposites of me. I’ll admit that my first thought was a bit judgmental and I hoped that this activity would help people discover their weaknesses.

WOW. How I missed the mark. As Christians we are vital parts of the same body, and we must embrace the diversity. We have different personalities, abilities, & even flaws. We may not understand and appreciate all the unique traits, but we are disabling the body if we allow these differences to hinder us from working together. If one of us fails to do our part, the entire body is hurt.

It's OK to Grieve

I long to be a woman after God’s own heart, but right now I have to walk by faith and night by sight.  Right now I drained and don’t “feel” like doing anything.  I can’t quite explain it, but I’m aware that something is different. 

I talked with my sponsor and she suggested that I might be experiencing depression.   NOT ME.  I’m happy.  I’m recovered.  I’m doing great.   The suggestion put me on the defense.   How dare her.  

 

But truth be told, I think she is right.   Depression causes spiritual withdrawal, and that’s what I’m experiencing.  In the past, this would be the time that I slowly start to isolate myself, and try to hide my pain.   But through Celebrate Recovery,  I’ve learned that being transparent with my sisters (accountability team), is essential.  Bottling up my feelings can be self destructive and quickly take me back to the broken road.

Zealous for Him

How are my days going by so quickly? I think I’m falling into the trap of laziness. I get a few things done, but not much. This is out of character for me. Usually, I’m over committed and responsible. Lately, I appear to be procrastinating on all of the big projects that I want to complete.

The thing that concerns me is that I seem to be following the same pattern when it comes to my walk in Christ. 2012 is a year that I have set aside to regroup, focus on my recovery, and get back to the basics in my relationship with God. This has been a year of respite, refocus, and devotion. I have grown so much and let go of all the baggage that I was trying to hang on to. I’m learning to trust God and no longer try to control things on my own. Sounds great, but I’m realizing that when I’m focused, being responsible, and doing well on my recovery, I’m also having great quiet times. But when I get lazy, like the past few days, I tend to get lazy with my devotion time. I’ve still been reading my Bible but not with the same level commitment. It seems that the attitudes that I carry in my daily life are the same ones that I have towards my spiritual relationship.

The More I seek you

So quickly life gets busy and the schedule gets full.   Where do we draw the line?  Too many things occupy our time.  Too many things are distractions, taking us away from our first love.   It doesn’t have to be negative things or enticing things that distract us.   It can be activities, family time, entertainment, even service for God.  Yes, even ministry can distract us from intimacy and quality time with our Savior.

How do we find a healthy balance?  How do we succeed at loving Him with all of our being?  We cannot walk around aimlessly, hoping that all will balance out.  We must make it a priority to put God first, then prioritize our time for family, self, others, and the endless responsibilities.

Blessings

In this song Laura asks the question, “what if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your blessings in disguise?” I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better. He loves us so much so that He allows us to make choices and lets us attempt to rely on our own strength, but He is always there to provide a way out. In the process we realize that we must rely on Him. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life (Psalm 138:7).

First Day of School Tears

The first day of school came way too quickly.   Where does time go?  Summer flew by.   I knew the day was coming, but I wasn’t ready.  I have been cramming in as any mommy and daughter activities as possible, but I still wanted more. 

This morning, I was proud of my 8 year as she walked into her classroom.   She is so independent and becoming more responsible.   But I’ll admit I hid the tear in my eye behind my over sized sun glasses.  I feel emotional because she is growing up and capable of doing so much on her own.  Pretty soon, she will no longer need me to do things for her.

Then there is my baby.  I cannot believe that my baby is starting kindergarten.  I’m so used to her burying her head against my knee and wrapping her arms around my legs.   She’s shy and needs me to hold her and comfort her.  How will she make it all day without me?   How will I make it without her?

The school day is just beginning and I already miss them so much.  I miss being part of their educational journey.  I miss the sweet conversations that take place and how their eyes light up as they discover new things.  I miss being there during the proud moments as they master difficult skills. 

Through this season in live I’m trying to look at the positive side of things and not focus on what has been taken.   Though I miss home schooling so much, I know that this season of life is a season of refueling.  I have a minimal amount of responsibilities, so I can continue focusing on my recovery and preparing for the areas that God is calling me to give back.  I can focus most of my efforts on seeking Him. 

After the initial tears I was able to have a devotion time with my husband and then a personal quiet time.  I’ve been able to work on things for Celebrate Recovery.  All of this in a quiet house, without interruptions.  Honestly, I’m thankful for this time, this bubble that I’m in.  I will treasure it.  And though I miss them, I know it’s best that my daughters are school, for this season.  WOW.  I never thought I’d say that.  

I know that I need to learn to depend more on God and allow Him to be the source of my happiness. For many years my life and joy have solely revolved around children.  My identity must be grounded in Him, not my role as a mother. With each day, my children will depend on me less and less, but with each day, I’m learning to depend more and more on my Heavenly daddy for fulfillment.   

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”
Joyce Maynard

Find Your Wings (Mark Harris)

In My Daughters' Eyes

So many thoughts are racing through my mind as I try to write to write my testimony.  As each day passes, alcohol means less and less to me.   The desire has faded.  Even when I’m around it, I’m no longer consumed with feelings of missing out.  On the surface that feels good, but I don’t want to take my sobriety for granted.  I know that is the first step on the slippery slope of relapse.   There was tremendous loss as a result of my addictions, and that is one path that I don’t want to venture down. 

Becoming His Masterpiece

Ephesians 2:10 " We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”  We have been created by the Master Artist and we are priceless.   As we look in the mirror we need to see what God sees.  He created us in His image so we should see His reflection, but too often we get focused on ourselves.   Until we allow God to chisel us into what he desires, we miss out His purpose in our lives.

I have failed God more times than I would like but He still loves me and continues to mold me into who he created me to be.  Becoming God’s masterpiece isn’t an easy process.  It’s painful; it takes time.  As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve God.  Each dark area of my life that I allow His light to shine, the scary shadows start to fade away.  I’m learning to trust Him with all of me.  I want Him to mold me into the image of His son, a true master piece. 

Becoming God's Masterpiece (By the Skit Guys)

Thy Word

I’m a bit high strung and always on the move.   I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast.   Though this doesn’t sound like a big deal, I sometimes try the same approach with my relationship with Jesus.  I try to rush through my quiet times and sometimes fail to retain what He’s trying to teach me.

God loves us so much and longs for us to spend time with Him.  He desires an intimate relationship.  He gave us His love letter.  As we read it and take the time to truly understand it, we come to know Him.  We must slow down and focus on being intentional as we meditate on the Word of God. 

Celebrate Recovery Step Study Graduation

My Celebrate Recovery Step Study was a life changing event.   I’ve experienced freedom from hurts and habits that were controlling my life.  I’ve learned to let go of things, things that I have held onto and couldn’t let go.   I’ve forgiven others and let go of resentments.  I’ve made true friends that love me, in spite of my flaws, and have gained accountability partners.  But most importantly I’m learning to trust God with everything. 

This has been the most amazing time as I have developed a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I’m so excited to see what God has in store as I’m learning to live beyond the broken road.  

Here is the letter I wrote to God at the beginning of my step study.  I'm amazed that God gave me so much more than I could have imagined.

Dear God,

Change my heart! Open the eyes of my heart.  I want to see you; I want to hear you.  It’s been way too long.  I feel so empty & so distant. How can I be the wife and mommy that I need to be, if I’m not being the daughter that you created me to be?  For so long I have bee trying to do things on my own.  I haven’t been trusting in you. Though I have been surrounded by people, I guess my pride has kept me from turning to them & asking for help.  I had to keep my image as “Super Mom.’  My Friends were always impressed and said that they couldn’t do all I was doing and keep up with all I had on my plate.    Turns out… I couldn’t do it either.    How I wish I hadn’t tried to do it on my own, how I wish I hadn’t set my expectations so high, and how I wish I hadn’t turned to alcohol to hide my pain!

I long to hear you voice again and have that connection with you.   I know your Word and what you expect of me, but I’m so spiritually weak, that I don’t have the strength to do it.  I can’t do this with my strength.  I need yours.  I have hit rock bottom.   I feel that I have fallen too far from Grace by continuing in the sin, even though I knew it was wrong.  I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m asking and ready to truly surrender all to you.  Here is my prayer:

Psalm 40:12-17

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!” Yet I am poor and needy;   may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Spiritual Blinders

I’m not sure where I heard the saying, but it holds true for me.   “When my mind wanders, it sometimes brings back souvenirs.”  Sometimes I get so distracted, and struggle to focus on what I’m reading or listening to. Yesterday, I was very distracted during worship.  It seemed like the more I tried to focus on the words I was singing to my Savior, the more I started thinking about the errands I needed to run or what we were eating for lunch.   Unfortunately, this isn’t something that only happens at church.  This mind wandering takes place during conversations with friends and even my quiet times.   I have good intentions, but get distracted with planning the day’s activities. 

When this happens, I begin to feel like Peter, when he fell asleep.  “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” Jesus asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:40-41).  I desire to seek my Father more intently, but my flesh is so weak.   I confess this often, but am starting to get frustrated at myself.  I love what Joyce Meyer’s says about this matter.  “Think about something on purpose. If you give the devil empty space, he will fill it.”

I need to become more disciplined in mind and not let it wander to whatever it pleases.   I must start intently focusing on His Word.   I find that reading my devotions out loud, helps in this matter.  I actually have to think about the words I’m reading.  I also keep a piece of paper beside me.  If I think of something, I write it down.  This gives me freedom to worship and mediate, without worrying about forgetting something that needs to be done later.  The Bible tells us to submit to God. At the same time, we learn that when we resist the devil, he will flee (James 4:7).  When I realize that I’m getting distracted, I often tell the devil to “leave me alone. This is my time with God, and there is no room for you.”   

I’m thankful that I serve a God who is patient and truly knows my heart and thoughts.  I’m honest with Him and am asking for His strength to stay focused. He desires a sincere & honest relationship with me more than he wants me to just go through the motions.

Most driving and carriage horse wear blinders. This prevents them from looking at the side or trying to turn around and see things that are behind.   They keep the horse from getting distracted or spooked by new objects on the streets. Blinders help horses to concentrate and keep looking forward, to focus on where they are going.  My prayer today is for spiritual blinders.  I want to focus on where God leading, not where I have been.   I don’t want to get distracted by things of the world and miss the destination that God has in store.