In Better Hands Now

I gave my life to Jesus at an early age. Though I had confessed Him as Lord, and believed in my heart that He died for my sins,it wasn’t until recently that I’ve started surrendering my will to Him. This is something that I have to do constantly, sometimes multiple times a day.

At times, this is still a struggle. I'm use to living my life on auto-pilot, just cruising through life. I haven't been intentional about seeking his guidance and help throughout the day.  As a result, I have missed out of so many of His gifts, His power. My willingness to turn things over is getting easier, since I've realized that my will power isn’t enough. I have tried to do things my way, and in my power, but my will power is nonexistent. Even though I attempt to control my actions (and those of other people), my control is only an optical illusion.

I just need to let go and quit trying to get in the way.So often I go to God & give him my cares and burdens. Then a short time later I discover that I’m still carrying it around. I also realize that my flesh is so weak and often gets in the way. Why am I still crawling around like a babe in Christ. It’s time to grow up in my salvation.

The Verdict - Not guilty

I'll be honest. I was so ashamed of the mistakes I made that it took months for me to accept God's forgiveness. I kept carrying around the guilt and shame.  Day after day I kept asking God to forgive me, but the thing is, he already had. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I realized that God was faithful, even when I wasn't (2 Timothy 2:13).  No mater what mistakes I've made, His grace is abundant.  I am no longer held  captive by the guilt.  By the blood of Jesus, I have been declared not guilty, and this not guilty verdict is for all of the sins, even the ones committed after salvation.  I've been fully acquitted and have a spotless record in the eyes of my savior.  

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1 

Turning Point(Step 3)

Relying on my own understanding led me down the wrong path.   For so long I believed in my abilities and thougth too highly of myself.  I tried to handle things and resolve problems in my own power.  I grew faint and as the business of life crept in,  I was caught off guard.   I had allowed my priorities to get out of order and my relationship with God fizzled.

As life got unmanageable, I isolated from others, believing that I had to keep up with all the work that I was doing.  Another area that got in me in trouble was taking things to God and pleading with Him to guide me, only to get impatient and try to figure it by myself.   On my own, I grew weary, depressed, and turned to other things to mask my pain. 

Eventually, I hit rock bottom.   I found myself at a point that I knew I had to turn back.   It wasn’t until I was hanging on by my last thread, that I lost my strength to hang on.  The moment I let go and quit trying to save myself, I realized that the arms that hold the universe were holding me & will never let me go. 

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1

Unrealistic Expectations

I’m beginning to realize that most of my expectations have been unrealistic.  Before coming to Celebrate recovery, I was overcommitted and thought that I could accomplish everything on my own.   I believed that I was strong enough to handle it all.  I didn’t reach out to others, for I had to maintain my perfect image.  I just pushed on to accomplish more.  When I failed to meet my unrealistic expectations, I grew depressed & tired.   I tried to control my children, my husband, and my environment.  If they would just do it my way, things would work out.  This left me exhausted.

As a spoiled only child, I’ve always expected those around me (my husband and dad) to cater to my desires.  As the economy fell, I pushed my husband to try harder to find a way to provide for our family in the manor we had grown accustomed to.  In the end I felt disappointed and unfulfilled, more unrealistic expectations.  I also expected my friends and family to be there, even though I failed to reach out and be transparent with them. All of these unrealistic expectations have left me feeling hurt, empty, with a low self-esteem.

 Even now, I still struggle with expecting my children to conform to a certain image.  I try to control their attitude sand behaviors.   I need help in find that balance between being a parent and letting them be children.   I need to step back and quit trying to control everything about my life.  I need to trust that my heavenly daddy can do a much better job that I’m capable of attempting on my own.  I need to learn how to commit all of my life and will to His care & control.  

I’m ready to quit trying to control everyone & everything.  I want to trust God & follow His lead.  I’m also ready to see myself in His eyes.  I’m so tired of replaying the negative thoughts & worrying about how others will perceive me.  I recently heard a quote of Ethel Barrett that kind of hit home, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”

Trusting my Emotions

In the past, trusting only in my feelings and emotions got me into trouble; it led me in the wrong directions. In the past my husband and I followed our emotions and desires as we chased after the next big thing.  We made some poor financial decisions as a result. All the while, we justified our choices.  Proverbs 16:2 tells us that all the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but God knows the motives.  Though we justified our actions, God knew our hearts. 

 I based how I thought I should look, on those around me. I became obsessed with losing weight.  I felt that I wasn’t harming myself or others, so I justified my eating disorder.  I also overcommitted myself.  For some reason I felt that I had to handle the added responsibilities on my own,    but the added stress seemed more than I could handle.   I felt that I deserved a drink to help me wind down and ease the stress.  Trusting in my emotions led me into depression. I tried to drown my feelings of depression with wine, but in the end I was exhausted, depressed, and bitter towards that closet to me.  As a result of following my emotions, I have lost and missed out some of the amazing blessings that God had in store.

Insanity

Insanity has been defined as “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  Though I was doing the same thing over and over (turning to wide to mask my pain) I don’t think I was truly expecting different results.  Even today, I keep falling into old patterns of trying to control those around me, or focusing on myself rather than God.  I surrender all to God.  I give him my worries, my needs, my desires, but never fully let go long enough for Him to accomplish His Will.   I pray not my will but His will, then I try to control and fix things in my power. 

How do I get off track and end up doing the same things again.  It always begins with a shift of focus.  I take my eyes off of my “higher power” and start looking to self.  This self-centeredness ALWAYS leads me astray. Sometimes, I start thinking about good things, wwhether it be my recovery, my testimony, my life, I talk about what I’ve done, when in reality its only by his grace and mercy that I’m alive.  When I recognize this, I immediately confess and lay aside my arrogance, only to end up at the opposite extreme of feeling unworthy and not good enough.   It’s during these low points that I get distracted & begin to live in fear and doubt. 

 

So how do I leave the insanity behind?  I start thinking about God, not me. I truly put Him first and learn to rely on Him for everything.  

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exist, that I matter to Him, and the He has the power to help me recover."Happy are those who Mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: : I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)