My Serenity Check-Up

The Celebrate Recovery Leader’s guide suggested a Serenity check-up. “How’s your serenity?” What kind of question is that? My immediate thoughts were pretty confident. My serenity is great; after all I say the serenity prayer every day. But that’s where the problem lies. I’ve memorized the words, I say them aloud, but have failed to let them penetrate my heart.

 

God Grant me the Serenity

I’m admitting that I am powerless and cannot accomplish this on my own. I’ve failed miserably in my attempts to do life in my own power. I turned to alcohol for a temporary respite, to ease the pain, the stress. Though it briefly masked my despair, peace was still lacking. I’ve tried to find peace in things, relationships,& my role as a wife or mother. None of these can fill the void that only He can fill. Only with God’s help am I able to leave behind the baggage of fear, guilt, worry, or the all-consuming what if’s that flood my mind. So today I’m asking God for His peace, which transcends all understanding and will guard my heart and mind in Him(Philippians 4:7).

I'm Running to Your Arms

I’m still trying to process everything that I’m feeling.  The retreat challenged me to a deeper place in my walk.   I know that He is calling me to lead and to share my story.  I was reminded that He doesn’t call the qualified, but He qualifies the called.  

I truly want to surrender all to God.  I say this so easily, and for the moment I mean it.  But for some reason I keep holding back.  I’m afraid to be transparent.  The truth is ugly and I don’t want people to see.   I fail to be honest with those around me.   I know that sharing my story will impact others.  I know that the truth sets us free, but ironically the truth can hinder my freedom.  

I wonder how Eve felt after eating of the fruit.   She was created for a beautiful life in the garden, but lost that life in the blink of an eye.  I wonder how she felt taking those first steps outside of the garden.  Was she full of guilt? Was she afraid?  Did she miss the simplicity and happiness of life in the garden?  That’s where I am today.  

The Hurt and The Healer

This weekend I attended a women’s retreat called Infusion - Filled to overflowing.  WOW!  I’m not sure where to begin.   This experience has been AMAZING.

We were asked to write down our needs for the weekend.   Really?  I’m here to relax.   I never thought about my needs or expectations.    Hmm.  I need to be filled to overflowing.  I need to slow down & intentionally listen.  I need complete healing.  

Of course tears start to trickle as I wrote the last words.   Once again I buried my emotions and tried to pretend all was well. But in reality, the what might have been’s were creeping in.   Here I am in “that” ballroom.  Just a year ago I was here in this very room.  I was a proud mommy of 3 southern belles and 2 American Patriots.  My adorable 5 kiddos adorned the cutest costumes at the party. How things have changed.  For a moment I allowed myself to grieve.   There is still part me of that misses the life I once had.  I wonder what things would be like today, if they were still part of my life.  I wonder how they are doing and who they are becoming.  I wonder about the people that are taking care of them and are tucking them in at night.  Do they realize that there are angels in their presence? 

Another Chapter is Beginning

Today, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.    Leading a group is so beyond my comfort zone.  I’ve even questioned God and myself about leading this step study.  Every time I pray, I receive peace.  It’s only when I start thinking about it, start focusing on my abilities (or lack thereof) that fear arises.  

I’m so thankful that God is patient with me and reassures me.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  (Isaiah 55:8-9)  

Last night I was so amazed at the incredible women that are taking this journey.   I can’t explain it, but the feeling was so different than beginning of my previous step study.   Obviously I’m looking at this experience through different eyes, for I’m not nearly as broken as I was.   But the main thing that amazed me was how much everyone shared about what brought them to this step study. They are so open.  Everyone’s story is so different, yet a bond is already starting to form. 

I’ll admit that I began to feel inferior, even felt that one of the participants was more qualified to lead than me.  Then someone asked if they could hear my entire testimony.  I realized that some of the women don’t even know my story.  Then my mind began to wonder and the what if’s started to creep in.   What if these women knew?  What if the truth about my alcohol addiction surfaces and more consequences are given?  How can I lead this, when I’m not even ready to share the details of my story?  What if the storm moves in?

Though I don’t understand why, I know that God clearly wants me here right now.  I trust his lead.   I’m beginning to realize that God is going to use this experience for me and my healing.    

Father God, Lead me on this journey.  I trust you, I’m following you.  This is yet another chapter in my story, in the story of what you are doing in my life.

And the Second Step Study Begins Tonight

My self image is so negative right now.  For most of my life I’ve dealt with pride and saw myself better than others.  Now, the opposite extreme has taken over.  I feel so unworthy.  Three years ago, I wouldn’t have associated with the person I became.   I would have told you only a weak person would “need” or rely on alcohol.  I would have been confident that I would never walk down that path.   I was a strong woman.  I had everything going for me and I was even serving God.

And here I am now, a recovering alcoholic, a woman that experienced great loss, and only by the grace of God am I enjoying life with my family. 

I’m intimidated about leading a group of woman through the steps.  I just completed the steps myself.   I’ve never led a Bible study before and now I’m co-leading a Celebrate Recovery Step Study.  I understand what I have to give a woman struggling with addictions, but this step study consists of women with hurts and hang-ups, but no addictions.  What do I have to offer? 

What can I tell others?? I can share the healing touch of God that I received and all that He has taught me.   

And He Spoke

WOW!  God is so faithful.  Even as my mind strays and negative emotions enter,   God hears my prayer.  Yesterday’s prayer – “Word of God speak”. And did He speak!  

At 7:43 this morning my sponsor sent me a text asking me to come to her house.  She said that God hadn’t moved her to do this with anyone in a long time and she felt it was important. We worked through a number of exercises.  

I don’t know how to put this experience into word, but I’m so grateful that God is speaking to me and using my sponsor.  I had no clue what I needed or wanted in a sponsor, but I have received so much more than I even asked for.  She seems to know what I need, even when I have no clue.  

Word of God Speak

I know that I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been at a loss for words. I’m reading my devotions and trying to focus, but I feel so inadequate. Why cannot I not find balance with my identity in Christ? My sponsor suggested that I’m an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Once again, I realize she knows me all to well. One day I’m struggling with pride – look at how good I’m doing. Then the next day I’m overwhelmed and feeling down on myself. Here I am again, allowing depression and anxiety to sneak in.

This season of life, is a time that God has called me to share the testimony of what He has done in my life. This is His story, not mine. “The last thing I need to do is be heard but to hear what” God is saying to me and through me.

I'm Letting Go

For a long time I held onto my dreams and desires too tightly. I thought I was in control and that I had it all together, but in the blink of an eye things shattered before me. I found myself at a point where I was ready to give up.

Now I’m learning to let go of the hopes and dreams that I had. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Some areas that require total surrender are so difficult to let go. How do you take dreams that mean so much and lay them at the altar?

The Before & The After

This morning I immediately starting claiming God’s peace for today. I have been struggling with the fact that I’m sharing my story tonight. He reminded me that it isn’t my story, but it’s His story. Friends have been encouraging me, and assuring me that this is yet another part of my healing. I’ll admit that I’m dragging my feet in this area. I know that I can trust God with all things, but for some reason I have trouble letting go. God is comforting me and spoke so clearly through my morning devotions.

“You are Christ’s body – that’s who you are! You must never forge this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything” (1 Corinthians 12:27-28. MSG).

I’m starting to realize what my part means, but I’m hesitant to move in this direction. Honestly, I need to quit hanging on to my fears and let God take control.

Remind Me Who I Am

They enemy constantly tries to bombard us with negativity. Sometimes he reminds us of our past, our failures, our imperfections, or our inabilities. He does everything that he can to distract. He would love to pluck us out of our Heavenly Father’s hand, but he can’t. Since he cannot steal our salvation he is out to rob us of the joy.

Meanwhile, God longs to renew us. Our relationship with God requires a daily renewal. As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve Him. I get frustrated when I realize that there are still areas that I haven’t surrendered, but as I allowed his light to shine in each dark area of my life, the scary shadows began to fade away. When we feel down and defeated, we must remember that the battle has already been won. If we are in Christ, we are a new creation, we belong to Him and can claim that victory in all areas of our lives.

I Surrender All (Principle 5)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."(Phil 4:6-7)/span>

If I truly grasped this, if I truly believed this, I guess I would apply this to all of my fears, even the fear of public speaking. If I had truly surrendered this to God, I wouldn’t be consumed with fear. I’m beginning to realize that this is yet another area that I gave to God, but quickly snatched back and tried to fix myself.

Let me tell you, this is REALLY difficult for me. I have avoided speaking engagemnts at all costs. Just standing in front of a room raises my adreneline as if I were in a life threatening situation.

As I was battling with this fear, my sponsor asked me if I was ready to take the next step, “Are you ready to try teaching a lesson?"

Seriously. What was she thinking? But of course, she knows me too well. Before I could respond with “ NO THANKYOU,” she tells me to pray about it and let her know what God says.

I contact my best friend for support. She will understand where I’m coming from, or so I thought. Dear friend says, “You are an amazing product of God’s work in you life. I think He’s grooming you for public speaking. You really speak wisdom. This is part of your healing and growth.” 

Gulp. That’s the second time this weekend that I’ve been speechless. Can’t I just stay in denial a little bit longer. I don’t want to let go in this area. 

Then another sweet sister’s advice: “Try to Declare that you will be calm! Try not to think nervous... delete that word. ‘So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:6). 

My friends won’t even give me a break. I know [much sarcasm implied] Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. But can’t I avoid this one just a little bit longer?

I’m reminded that Moses had a fear of public speaking. He also tried to avoid it. Even when he struggled in fear, God still used him. God can still use me. I just have to let Him.

My prayer (which yet another CR sister prayed for me)

Dear God, 

Help [me] share [my] story so that [I] have no fear and so that [I] will not so much as trip over a word. Let the power of your Holy Spirit make [my] words sound pure and true to all that hear it. Give [me] peace and comfort and allow [me] to be bold in testament to your holiness and mercy.

 Love, Me 

 

I survived my Testimony

Day 307:  The past few days I have been so stressed and nervous. I finished my testimony almost a month ago, or so I thought.  But for the past week I have been editing and changing things.  I realized that I forgot some key parts of my story. Then I had to find parts to delete. 

Last night I shared my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery Group. I have never been so nervous. At first I was speechless. LOL. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I stood there for a few seconds trying to plot my escape. I was terrified. Even though I'm not a gifted speaker, God still moved and a newcomer's heart was touched. I'm amazed at how God has turned my mess into a message.

Distracted

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God(Psalm 42:1).

Dear God, My desire is to have this same longing for you. I desire to have faith that isn't moved by sight or circumstances. No matter what is happening in the world around me I choose to have faith in you. This type of faith is essential and makes life worth living. As I'm navigating life in the midst of chaos please put a fresh wind in my sails. Love, Me

For the past few weeks, I feel that I have been under a spiritual attack. During this period I have been easily distracted and my temptations have been constant. It’s like I’ve been going through the motions. But I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He wants me to be real.

This morning I read “That's exactly how Satan works. He begins by bombarding our minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, and reasonings. He moves slowly and cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).” (Joyce Meyer)

I honestly believe the enemy is trying to throw everything at me so that I won’t share my testimony tomorrow night. Though I’m very nervous, I know I’m supposed to share. God has turned my mess into a message and I need to share.

Doing Things I don't want to do

I don’t know where to begin. I feel weak & distracted. With all the business of birthdays and preparing to give my testimony, somehow my quiet times have been put on the back burner again. How have I fallen back to this pattern again? It angers me. Am I starting to allow my duties to come before my devotion??? My thoughts are best illustrated in the message translation of Romans 7:16-25.

14-16 Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve

I’m baffled at my behaviors. My spirit is willing but [my] flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). This has been a reminder of my powerlessness and my need to live one day at a time. I’ve come a long way, but I need to keep moving in the right direction. I realize its time to dig a little deeper and start dealing with some of my root issues. This process takes time. I love how Mark Twain puts it, "A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time."

If We Are the Body

At our CR leadership meeting we completed a survey about our personal leadership characteristics. I was amazed at the diversity. There are people in the group that are complete opposites of me. I’ll admit that my first thought was a bit judgmental and I hoped that this activity would help people discover their weaknesses.

WOW. How I missed the mark. As Christians we are vital parts of the same body, and we must embrace the diversity. We have different personalities, abilities, & even flaws. We may not understand and appreciate all the unique traits, but we are disabling the body if we allow these differences to hinder us from working together. If one of us fails to do our part, the entire body is hurt.

It's OK to Grieve

I long to be a woman after God’s own heart, but right now I have to walk by faith and night by sight.  Right now I drained and don’t “feel” like doing anything.  I can’t quite explain it, but I’m aware that something is different. 

I talked with my sponsor and she suggested that I might be experiencing depression.   NOT ME.  I’m happy.  I’m recovered.  I’m doing great.   The suggestion put me on the defense.   How dare her.  

 

But truth be told, I think she is right.   Depression causes spiritual withdrawal, and that’s what I’m experiencing.  In the past, this would be the time that I slowly start to isolate myself, and try to hide my pain.   But through Celebrate Recovery,  I’ve learned that being transparent with my sisters (accountability team), is essential.  Bottling up my feelings can be self destructive and quickly take me back to the broken road.

Zealous for Him

How are my days going by so quickly? I think I’m falling into the trap of laziness. I get a few things done, but not much. This is out of character for me. Usually, I’m over committed and responsible. Lately, I appear to be procrastinating on all of the big projects that I want to complete.

The thing that concerns me is that I seem to be following the same pattern when it comes to my walk in Christ. 2012 is a year that I have set aside to regroup, focus on my recovery, and get back to the basics in my relationship with God. This has been a year of respite, refocus, and devotion. I have grown so much and let go of all the baggage that I was trying to hang on to. I’m learning to trust God and no longer try to control things on my own. Sounds great, but I’m realizing that when I’m focused, being responsible, and doing well on my recovery, I’m also having great quiet times. But when I get lazy, like the past few days, I tend to get lazy with my devotion time. I’ve still been reading my Bible but not with the same level commitment. It seems that the attitudes that I carry in my daily life are the same ones that I have towards my spiritual relationship.

The More I seek you

So quickly life gets busy and the schedule gets full.   Where do we draw the line?  Too many things occupy our time.  Too many things are distractions, taking us away from our first love.   It doesn’t have to be negative things or enticing things that distract us.   It can be activities, family time, entertainment, even service for God.  Yes, even ministry can distract us from intimacy and quality time with our Savior.

How do we find a healthy balance?  How do we succeed at loving Him with all of our being?  We cannot walk around aimlessly, hoping that all will balance out.  We must make it a priority to put God first, then prioritize our time for family, self, others, and the endless responsibilities.

Blessings

In this song Laura asks the question, “what if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your blessings in disguise?” I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better. He loves us so much so that He allows us to make choices and lets us attempt to rely on our own strength, but He is always there to provide a way out. In the process we realize that we must rely on Him. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life (Psalm 138:7).

First Day of School Tears

The first day of school came way too quickly.   Where does time go?  Summer flew by.   I knew the day was coming, but I wasn’t ready.  I have been cramming in as any mommy and daughter activities as possible, but I still wanted more. 

This morning, I was proud of my 8 year as she walked into her classroom.   She is so independent and becoming more responsible.   But I’ll admit I hid the tear in my eye behind my over sized sun glasses.  I feel emotional because she is growing up and capable of doing so much on her own.  Pretty soon, she will no longer need me to do things for her.

Then there is my baby.  I cannot believe that my baby is starting kindergarten.  I’m so used to her burying her head against my knee and wrapping her arms around my legs.   She’s shy and needs me to hold her and comfort her.  How will she make it all day without me?   How will I make it without her?

The school day is just beginning and I already miss them so much.  I miss being part of their educational journey.  I miss the sweet conversations that take place and how their eyes light up as they discover new things.  I miss being there during the proud moments as they master difficult skills. 

Through this season in live I’m trying to look at the positive side of things and not focus on what has been taken.   Though I miss home schooling so much, I know that this season of life is a season of refueling.  I have a minimal amount of responsibilities, so I can continue focusing on my recovery and preparing for the areas that God is calling me to give back.  I can focus most of my efforts on seeking Him. 

After the initial tears I was able to have a devotion time with my husband and then a personal quiet time.  I’ve been able to work on things for Celebrate Recovery.  All of this in a quiet house, without interruptions.  Honestly, I’m thankful for this time, this bubble that I’m in.  I will treasure it.  And though I miss them, I know it’s best that my daughters are school, for this season.  WOW.  I never thought I’d say that.  

I know that I need to learn to depend more on God and allow Him to be the source of my happiness. For many years my life and joy have solely revolved around children.  My identity must be grounded in Him, not my role as a mother. With each day, my children will depend on me less and less, but with each day, I’m learning to depend more and more on my Heavenly daddy for fulfillment.   

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”
Joyce Maynard

Find Your Wings (Mark Harris)

In My Daughters' Eyes

So many thoughts are racing through my mind as I try to write to write my testimony.  As each day passes, alcohol means less and less to me.   The desire has faded.  Even when I’m around it, I’m no longer consumed with feelings of missing out.  On the surface that feels good, but I don’t want to take my sobriety for granted.  I know that is the first step on the slippery slope of relapse.   There was tremendous loss as a result of my addictions, and that is one path that I don’t want to venture down. 

Becoming His Masterpiece

Ephesians 2:10 " We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”  We have been created by the Master Artist and we are priceless.   As we look in the mirror we need to see what God sees.  He created us in His image so we should see His reflection, but too often we get focused on ourselves.   Until we allow God to chisel us into what he desires, we miss out His purpose in our lives.

I have failed God more times than I would like but He still loves me and continues to mold me into who he created me to be.  Becoming God’s masterpiece isn’t an easy process.  It’s painful; it takes time.  As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve God.  Each dark area of my life that I allow His light to shine, the scary shadows start to fade away.  I’m learning to trust Him with all of me.  I want Him to mold me into the image of His son, a true master piece. 

Becoming God's Masterpiece (By the Skit Guys)

Thy Word

I’m a bit high strung and always on the move.   I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast.   Though this doesn’t sound like a big deal, I sometimes try the same approach with my relationship with Jesus.  I try to rush through my quiet times and sometimes fail to retain what He’s trying to teach me.

God loves us so much and longs for us to spend time with Him.  He desires an intimate relationship.  He gave us His love letter.  As we read it and take the time to truly understand it, we come to know Him.  We must slow down and focus on being intentional as we meditate on the Word of God. 

Celebrate Recovery Step Study Graduation

My Celebrate Recovery Step Study was a life changing event.   I’ve experienced freedom from hurts and habits that were controlling my life.  I’ve learned to let go of things, things that I have held onto and couldn’t let go.   I’ve forgiven others and let go of resentments.  I’ve made true friends that love me, in spite of my flaws, and have gained accountability partners.  But most importantly I’m learning to trust God with everything. 

This has been the most amazing time as I have developed a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I’m so excited to see what God has in store as I’m learning to live beyond the broken road.  

Here is the letter I wrote to God at the beginning of my step study.  I'm amazed that God gave me so much more than I could have imagined.

Dear God,

Change my heart! Open the eyes of my heart.  I want to see you; I want to hear you.  It’s been way too long.  I feel so empty & so distant. How can I be the wife and mommy that I need to be, if I’m not being the daughter that you created me to be?  For so long I have bee trying to do things on my own.  I haven’t been trusting in you. Though I have been surrounded by people, I guess my pride has kept me from turning to them & asking for help.  I had to keep my image as “Super Mom.’  My Friends were always impressed and said that they couldn’t do all I was doing and keep up with all I had on my plate.    Turns out… I couldn’t do it either.    How I wish I hadn’t tried to do it on my own, how I wish I hadn’t set my expectations so high, and how I wish I hadn’t turned to alcohol to hide my pain!

I long to hear you voice again and have that connection with you.   I know your Word and what you expect of me, but I’m so spiritually weak, that I don’t have the strength to do it.  I can’t do this with my strength.  I need yours.  I have hit rock bottom.   I feel that I have fallen too far from Grace by continuing in the sin, even though I knew it was wrong.  I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m asking and ready to truly surrender all to you.  Here is my prayer:

Psalm 40:12-17

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!” Yet I am poor and needy;   may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Spiritual Blinders

I’m not sure where I heard the saying, but it holds true for me.   “When my mind wanders, it sometimes brings back souvenirs.”  Sometimes I get so distracted, and struggle to focus on what I’m reading or listening to. Yesterday, I was very distracted during worship.  It seemed like the more I tried to focus on the words I was singing to my Savior, the more I started thinking about the errands I needed to run or what we were eating for lunch.   Unfortunately, this isn’t something that only happens at church.  This mind wandering takes place during conversations with friends and even my quiet times.   I have good intentions, but get distracted with planning the day’s activities. 

When this happens, I begin to feel like Peter, when he fell asleep.  “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” Jesus asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:40-41).  I desire to seek my Father more intently, but my flesh is so weak.   I confess this often, but am starting to get frustrated at myself.  I love what Joyce Meyer’s says about this matter.  “Think about something on purpose. If you give the devil empty space, he will fill it.”

I need to become more disciplined in mind and not let it wander to whatever it pleases.   I must start intently focusing on His Word.   I find that reading my devotions out loud, helps in this matter.  I actually have to think about the words I’m reading.  I also keep a piece of paper beside me.  If I think of something, I write it down.  This gives me freedom to worship and mediate, without worrying about forgetting something that needs to be done later.  The Bible tells us to submit to God. At the same time, we learn that when we resist the devil, he will flee (James 4:7).  When I realize that I’m getting distracted, I often tell the devil to “leave me alone. This is my time with God, and there is no room for you.”   

I’m thankful that I serve a God who is patient and truly knows my heart and thoughts.  I’m honest with Him and am asking for His strength to stay focused. He desires a sincere & honest relationship with me more than he wants me to just go through the motions.

Most driving and carriage horse wear blinders. This prevents them from looking at the side or trying to turn around and see things that are behind.   They keep the horse from getting distracted or spooked by new objects on the streets. Blinders help horses to concentrate and keep looking forward, to focus on where they are going.  My prayer today is for spiritual blinders.  I want to focus on where God leading, not where I have been.   I don’t want to get distracted by things of the world and miss the destination that God has in store.  

I love My Celebrate Recovery Family

This evening when I left for Celebrate Recovery, I jokingly told my husband I’d be home by midnight.  Little did I know how close to truth this would become.  Though the program ended at 9:30, I stood around and chatted with several friends.  I so enjoyed this time.  I’m amazed at the relationships that are forming.  I’m becoming friends with women from all walks of life.  Never before have I known this kind of joy in friendships, and I’m grateful that it’s overflowing into some of the relationships that I had long before CR.

For those of you not in Celebrate Recovery, you may be wondering what that is.It’s a place to celebrate God's healing power in our lives through the 12 Steps of recovery and the "8 Recovery Principles" from the Beatitudes.  God calls us to bear each one another's burdens, and Celebrate Recover sets the stage for this to become a reality.

It's Time to Pick Up the Lord's Towel

For many years my service to God took priority over my relationship with Him, but for most of my recovery I have been in a bubble.   Most of my focus has been on me and my recovery.   I believe that I needed this time.   For the past few years, I have done very little for me.  I have been so busy with life and serving others, that I neglected my mind, soul, & body.  Now is a season of refueling.   I’m so blessed to have this time to truly be drenched in His presence, as He continues to mold me in the woman I’m becoming.  

Step 12 - Practice These Principles in all Our Affairs

Day 252:  Slowly, I’m learning to practice the 12 step principles in all of my affairs, not just the ones that brought me to CR.   God wants to transform all of me, and I’m trying to surrender all to Him.  This is a daily and lifetime commitment, not just for the season of this step study.  I pray daily for guidance, because I cannot do this on my own.

What is Real

Yesterday we watched the movie of one of my favorite books.  Typically the movie versions of books frustrate me.  Though I wasn’t disappointed with the Velveteen Rabbit, there were many differences since it was only inspired by the book.  So today, we read the book. 

The following is the dialogue where the horse tells the rabbit about the progression of becoming "real"

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

The Velveteen Rabbit

Today the girls and I watched the Velveteen Rabbit.  This is one of my favorite children’s books.   Though the movie is only inspired by the book, it still holds true to the message: love makes us real.  

Rabbit tells Toby, “Everything that is real was imagined first. Don’t be afraid. Just throw your heart into it and the rest of you will to follow.”  That is true.  It reminds me of Pastor Craft’s “Think, Be, Do” philosophy. What you think is what you will become and what you become is what you do.Think about who you want to become, who God wants you to become. Then become that. Becoming indicates change and is the process of getting from here to there. In this process we learn to walk just as He walked (1 John 2:6).It’s a gradual & continual process.

Hanging on By A Thread

Have you ever found your self in the wrong lane where you accidentally make a wrong turn?  Even while using a GPS, it is possible to get lost.  Do you blame your car or your GPS when you navigate off course? Or do you realize that you are responsible for the mistake?

God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better. “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).  He loves us so much so that He allows us to make choices and lets us attempt to rely on our own strength, but He is always there to provide a way out.   In the process we realize that we must rely on Him. 

God didn’t cause me to fall, but he was the solution to piecing my brokenness back together.  “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13).  His way out is not what I would have planned, but I’m amazed at his faithfulness. I hate that it took something this big to wake me up, but God only allowed me to venture away so far.  His hand of protection was still there.  As I was desperate, and longing for healing, he led me to discover my Celebrate Recovery program the day my step study began.   When we realized that we needed to downsize, our home sold to the first couple that looked at it.  Then the same thing happened for my parents, and they relocated here to help me on my recovery journey.   God knew how broken I would become, and before I spiraled out of control he placed a CR leader in my path.  He even placed an adult child of an alcoholic in my life.  Though I never talked to her about my struggles, I’m still amazed that God placed her in my life before my fall. 

As children of God, we must remember that He never leaves us.  His love is unconditional.  If we stray, He is calling us back to Him.  God still gives his best to failures.   In the story of the prodigal son, who wasted many years, the father brought out the best robe to welcome his son home. Not only does he forgive us of our failures, he promises to "not even to remember [our] sins any more" (Heb. 8:12).  All we have to do is repent and receive His healing, by faith.  

Though I’m no proud of my fall, I’m thankful for the journey.  I’ve realized that I can’t be whole in Him until I’m truly broken before Him.  It looked impossible, but “What is impossible with man is possible with God” (Luke 18:17). It wasn’t until I was hanging on by my last thread, that I lost my strength to hang on.  The moment I let go and quit trying to save myself, I realized that the arms that hold the universe will never let me go.  I’ve been restored. I’ve been set free.  I may not know the exact outcome of the storm that surrounds me, but I know that God is using it for His glory.  It doesn’t matter how many times I fall.  He is there with arms open wide.  

Arms That Hold the Universe  

 I know it seems
Like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength
Will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
(And) His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He has still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world, the whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright
And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

He will never let you go

(He's) Still got the whole world in His hands
in His hands, yeah
Still got the whole world in His hands

Unreal

Why are artificial ingredients added?   They are added to enhance the taste of food, improve appearance, & give foods better texture and consistency. Preservatives are also added to prevent spoilage.  As a result, all of these artificial ingredients cause more harm than good. 

Just Do It - Step 12

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says” (James 1:22).

There have been many times that I’ve asked my daughter’s to clean their rooms or do their chores, only to find them playing.   They are children and often get distracted & fail to prioritize.  A similar thing has happened to me and once again I'm reminded to keep my priorities in order.  Before I can put His Word into practice I must mediate on it & hide it in my heart. I need to let it take root, in all areas, so that it will overflow out of my heart and mouth.

For many years I knew the word, but failed to truly let it take root in all areas of my life. I loved everything about being a Christian, but somewhere lost my zeal for my Savior.  My duty and service for God took priority over my devotion with Him.  I was doing His Word by helping others, yet I failed to meditate and allow God’s word to continually transform me on a daily basis.   I forgot that I was a new creation and slowly allowed negative behaviors to creep in.

Encourage One Another

One of my dear sisters is going through a difficult season. To make matters worse, a family member is bringing unnecessary negativity to the situation. How is it, that as Christians, we so often miss the mark in being there for each other and encouraging each other? 

“How good is a timely word!” (Proverbs 15:23) It’s wonderful to have someone to encourage you and comfort you when you are going through a difficult season. The Bible challenges us to be a source of encouragement to others. “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness” (Hebrews 3:13). “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT). We are called to interact and have fellowship with each other. While is ok to say “I’ll be thinking of you” or “I’ll be praying for you,” it’s far better to have a relationship where you are there to listen and encourage others during a difficult situation.

A Time To Heal

My road to recovery has been one of much healing.  I have learned many lessons and have the scars to prove it.   Last week I shared about letting go of my emotional security blanket.  I honestly thought that handing over of the scrapbooks would bring the closure I longed for; this was only partially true.  I was blessed that I didn’t have to face it alone.  Rochelle was there and I was able to truly express my emotions.  I didn’t hold anything back;  I felt relief and joy.   I thought my healing was complete.  Then she unintentionally drove by a place that triggored more emotion.   She felt terrible, but honestly, I’m thankful it happened.  I don’t believe that it was a coininceidence;  I needed it for my healing.   

What Happened

I’m beginning to realize that my story, my testimony is part of me.   There is no more pretending it didn’t happen.  Even on vacation, I cannot escape it.  The good, the bad, the emotions, and the miracle are part of me.  I could try to stuff them way down and pretend they aren’t there.   I’m on vacation, can’t I leave all of it at home and relax?  Isn’t my recovery something that only has to be shared in the safe haven of CR?  But my testimony is not for me alone.  The wounds are healed, but the scars are visible for others to see.  The lessons learned will never be forgotten.   They must be shared for me to truly share the magnitude of miracle that has taken place.

Held Together By Him

It’s so amazing that God, the Creator of the Universe, wove us together & made each of us unique. We have different fingerprints, footprints, and even different voice prints. We have different personalities, abilities, & temperaments. None of this was by accident, but all part of a great masterpiece. Even more awe-inspiring is that our blueprint is the same as His, for we were “created in His image” (Gen. 1:27).

I Am Wonderfully Made

One of my close friends has lots of health problems, so I was shocked to hear that her favorite verse is: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14 NIV).  So many times I get frustrated with my body, the way I look, or the way I feel.   I get self-conscious, especially when I’m having a bad hair day, or I’ve gained a few pounds.  I get emotional and sometimes even allow my emotions to affect my mind and my spirit. 

Renewing of My Mind

Yesterday I felt numb. I sat and stared at my blank computer screen, but the words weren’t flowing.  I couldn’t get my mind off of the events that had taken place.   I didn’t regress back to the pit of depression & unforgiveness, but I was emotionally drained.

Luckily, a few friends were able to help me redirect my thoughts.  They cheered me up; they encouraged me.  My friends were able to help lift me up by speaking positive words. By hearing & speaking His Word, my mind was renewed.   By last night I was able to write down my thoughts about the previous day.    

The renewing of my mind has been a gradual process; it’s not taking place as quickly as I would like.  Sometimes I get frustrated by my weaknesses.  But I realize that if I’m always walking in a defeated attitude, I will never be victorious.  Why does my mind wonder where it shouldn’t?  I want to learn how “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).  I want my line of thinking to be aligned with His Word.

Today I realize sometimes my feelings will lead me astray.   I’m reminded that I must submit my emotions to a right way of thinking.  “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2). This is my mind, and I must make it a priority to renew it.  I will not sit back and make excuses.   I’m sure that this is an area that I will spend a lifetime improving. 

 

“If you want a closer, more powerful walk with God, you have to be willing to invest time. You’re not going to have it just by wishing” (Joyce Meyer).

Letting go of my Emotional Security Blanket

My little Cinderella clings to her “special blanky.” She takes it every where. It’s a comfort that helps her overcome stress and anxiety; it also helps her relax and sleep better. She loves her blanky, and so do I. I smile when she holds it close, for I know she feels happy & secure. I feel so special & important when she allows me to hold her most treasured possession. 

Yesterday, I had to hand over one of my security blankets. It was very difficult, but needed to be done. There was tremendous loss as a result of my alcohol abuse. Something was suddenly ripped from our family and left a large wound. I’ve struggled with bit of an identity crisis as I have tried to adjust to the loss.

I Am Not Afraid - The Anchor Holds

"Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways" (Psalm 128:1). What does this mean? Am I expected to live in fear of God? Am I supposed to fear the things that God allows to happen? I don’t believe so. I believe the fear of God is a purposeful fear that is encompassed with utmost respect. I’m not talking about the casual respect we have for other people, but a prudent reverence as we bow before our king.

I have a proper fear (respect) of God. I know that I need to honor Him by walking in His ways, not mine. I'm not going to tempt him or justify my actions. I humbly enter His presence, because without Him, I’m unworthy. Each day I take a fearless and moral inventory of my life. If I have said or done something to another, I promptly take care of it, by admitting it to God and then making amends with the person. If someone has said or done something to me, I promptly take care of it. I no longer want to allow resentment or anger to develop in my life. I have done that too many times. Now, I address the seeds of negatively before they sprout, before there is a bigger issue to uproot.

I am not afraid; I do not live in fear of what may happen. "For God hath not given [me a] spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (II Timothy 1:7). I can boldly walk forward with His confidence.

Assessing the Damage

The word of the month for me is awareness.   At this time I’m re-evaluating all relationships and distractions.  The distractions for me are clear cut.   It saddens me to think of the countless hours I’ve wasted playing games on Facebook.  I love games, but some of them truly drew me in.  There is nothing wrong with entertainment, but when it overtakes your thoughts, time, and actions, I think that could be classified as an addiction.  It was fun.  It helped me get my mind off of the storm that surrounds me.    I’m no longer focusing on the storm or mourning the losses.   So today I deleted my café, my farm, and the people that I know only through those games. I will admit that there was something freeing about deleting all of these distractions. 

Child of God.

I don’t feel like journaling today.   It’s been an ordinary day, with not much excitement.  The kids played.  I paid bills. Stress started to creep in.  I’m tired.  I’m distracted.  Then out of no where my oldest daughter asks me the question.   What was your favorite thing today?  I love that about her.  She finds joy in the most mundane tasks. 

As I thought about it, the answer was clear: watching my daughters play together.   I enjoy watching them play.  They run, skip, & dance.  They giggle & squeal.   They are innocent, fun loving, and free from all worry.  They celebrate every new discovery. They find beauty in everything.  They daydream. They are carefree.

Who Am I

Many of us struggle with our thoughts. We beat ourselves up. We forget who we are. We are in bondage to our negative thoughts. It’s time that we quit listening to all the lies and actively take God at His Word.  It’s time to let the truth set us free.  

So my friend, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” The Bible doesn’t say he might flee.  He will flee.   Its time to take up your shied of faith “which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16). Again, it says ALL of the arrows of the evil one.  All of the lies, the negative thoughts, those flaming arrows that seem to come out of nowhere, they will be extinguished.

Voice of Truth

Today I helped my best friend complete job applications. She desperately needs a job but isn’t sure what direction she wants to go. She has lost her way and is a bit down on her self. I see her doubts creeping into different areas of her life. Her self-image needs a make-over.

In a sense she has forgotten who she is. How many times have I been there before? I start listening to the negativity of the many voices calling out to me. This only leads to misery, frustration, & lack of fulfillment. The lies have stopped me from achieving things that I want in life. They almost kept me from getting up when I fell.

Boundaries - Knowing when to stop

Yesterday morning I woke up a little disappointed.  I felt guilty for the feeling.   My husband and I had a great date.  For the first time in years, we went out and truly had fun.   We laughed, we reminisced, we held hands, and we danced.  It was perfect.  It started with a single rose – the same color that he proposed with and evolved into a wonderful evening together.  He picked out a very thoughtful gift – a gift certificate to a salon so that the girls and I could get pedicures before our upcoming vacation.  This is something that I’ve always done, but he knew I wouldn’t spend the money now.  So yes – even the prefect gift.     

Plan of Action

The abuse of alcohol is a huge issue, one that affects every area of your life.  The damage is extensive & cannot be I fixed over night.   Repair takes time.   Slowly, I see restoration taking place in my life.   When God restores something it will not only be better than it was before, it will look different. 

I’m hesitant to share about my date last night.  The Bible says to, “decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 14:13) & I pray that what I intend for good, Satan does not use for evil, as a temptation to someone still struggling in their recovery. 

Bless The Broken Road

"Bless the Broken Road" has always had a special meaning for my husband and I,  but holds a deeper place in heart after this past year.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot the importance of maintenance.  As a result my life was on the broken road, once again.   My husband has stood by me through the good times and the bad. I'm thankful that God has blessed us, even during this season.

Ten year ago today, he asked me to marry him.  We were on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean. After dinner he handed me a rose, took me to a table in a secluded area, read a poem/ proposal that he had written, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his wife. I was speechless, had tears in my eyes, but didn't hesitate to put on the gorgeous ring.

That's What Friends Are For

Today I celebrate my accountability partner, my friend, and her recovery journey.  Tomorrow is her 1 year sobriety anniversary. What an incredible accomplishment!  The milestones associated with overcoming an addiction should be celebrated.   That’s another 365 (366 in this case) days of living one day at a time. 

Father God, I thank you so much for bringing me the most amazing accountability partner, amazing friend that one could have.  

Though she is ahead of me on this journey, you had her waiting… just for me. I prayed for the kind of accountability that I thought I needed.  But once again, you knew the big picture.  Thank you for not giving me what I asked for, but everything that I hoped for. 

Continue to be her strength as she remains true to her recovery.  Use “Rochelle” for greatness, as she shares her story, a story that so many can relate to.

Victory

In my Celebrate Recovery step study I tackled the steps to overcome my abuse of alcohol & diet pills and an eating disorder.   During this time, God gave has given me a new life in Christ and delivered me from my addictions.  I have been transformed from the inside out.  I am a new woman.  

The first 7 months of my sobriety journey, were a period of mourning, mourning all that had been lost as a result of my addictions.     When I stepped out of denial,   my life was disorganized and all over the place.   It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table.   It was kind of overwhelming.  At first my fears were so great; I couldn’t make much sense of it all.  I was randomly putting pieces together.   God was sitting next to me, comforting me.  At times He would reach over and help me put part of the puzzle together.  I just couldn’t do it on my own, I needed my Savior.  I couldn’t quite see the big picture.

My God given sponsor – the Exact Sponsor that I Needed

Yesterday’s entry conveyed, “The very moment that I became open and started seeking His heart, the words just started flowing.  I couldn’t stop them.”   That is so true this morning.   I started off with my thoughts on what journaling means to me, which led me to wonder how God might use me & my journey to help others.   I prayed for guidance on what direction to give back. I even e-mailed my pastor discussing this very issue.  Then, my sponsor came to mind.

Independence Day

Today we celebrate our country’s birthday, our independence day.  What does this mean to you?   For me, birthdays are a way to celebrate life, new beginnings.   I wonder if the 56 men that signed the signed the Declaration of Independence realized the magnitude of greatness that was taking place. 

Sadly, I think many of us get focused on our own independence.   Rarely do we reach out to others.   We fall into the pit of isolation and even self righteousness.  We even try to be our own Savior.  Of course, we never say this aloud.

Step 11: Touch of the Master's Hand

Last summer, my Gracie made a clay pot.   It was her first time to use a pottery wheel, so the whole process was a bit humorous.  She would get the pot almost perfect and then it would cave in. I'm not sure how many times this happened, but she kept working at it until it was finished, until it looked like she wanted it to look.

As I hold her pot in my hands, I keep thinking of me as the clay and God as the potter.  "Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand" (Isaiah 64:8). I have fallen apart many times, and yet he keeps remaking me.   Each time, I’m becoming a little more like He wants, as He continues to mold me into the woman I was created to be.

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't prepared for this sudden storm in my life. What began as a refreshing splash of water, turned into a torrential downpour. Not only was I caught without an umbrella, I had no disaster plan in place. It is essential that one knows how to remain safe and find shelter during a storm.

In recovery,we discussed how insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. As a consequence of not being prepared for storms & temptations, I have fallen numerous times. The thing is, I’ve never had a disaster plan in place. I’ve set boundaries and put preventative measures in position. These are essential, but still fall short. I need more. I cannot stop all storms from coming my way;  I need to be able to endure the storms.

Singing in the Rain

 

"Gracie"(8) & "Cinderella"(5)

Watching my daughters play in the rain today, reminded me that I too can find joy in the current storm in my life. This storm came on so quickly, and I wasn't prepared. I got caught without an umbrella and I'm drenched.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. (Psalm 5:11)  I'm so thankful that I can take refuge in Him for He "is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.(Psalm 46:1).  This storm has really opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. I'm learning to be thankful for everything... even this storm.  

Mercy Me- Hold Fast- Recovery Video

Hold Fast (Mercy Me)

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Step 10: Cross Roads: This is Where the Healing Begins

Day 214:

Dear God,  Search me, O God,know my heart, test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad & lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalm 139:23-24)

How I long to be right with you, to be made whole. So many times in my life I get sidetracked by the things of this world. I often waste more time chasing after desires or trying to find a way to accomplish things that don't really matter in the big picture.   Meanwhile I fail to spend quality time with you. As a result the intimacy & passion I once had, has faded. Even now procrastination creeps in. I'm at the crossroads of my recovery and the time has come to begin a daily journal inventory. Over the past few days, I have sat down to start this process numerous times, but I'm hesitant to begin.

Part of me is afraid that this will be another journal that I start, but fail to continue. I see this pattern in my life. My passion grows and I truly begin to mature in my walk. I step out in faith and am used by you to make a difference. I'm on the path and moving in the right direction, but then.... I get distracted. It's always a gradual process. I'm so busy running the race, that I don't realize the path is getting bumpy. And then, before I realize what happens.... I've fallen. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:120.) I am broken within,   Let your light shine on all the darkness in my life. Your grace is sufficient for even me and your power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthains 12:9).

The Gift of a Friend

Day 212: God is so faithful.   In 1997 I met my best friend.   It was a praise & worship gathering at Texas A&M.  Worship had started.   For some reason (possibly the Holy Spirit) I deiced to move during the service.  I ended up next to her.   Our friendship was instantaneous.   

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a true friend like her.  She loves me, despite my shortcomings.  We've laughed uncontrollably, cried hysterically, and have been there when life through some major curve balls.  

Last week I shared a resentment that I had been carrying for a few months.   Parts of my recovery, or what brought me to recovery are still very painful to talk about.  I felt betrayed.  Honestly, the situation wasn't as big as it seemed, but it hurt. 

Making Amends: I love you Anyway

Day 189: Making amends is something that I have done for my recovery. This is so much more than an apology. It’s restoration. As I let go of my past hurts and guilt, I’m able to find true freedom. For the firs time, I can truly let go & let God have control of my life and my will. Only now can He restore me, my broken relationship, my broken dreams.

Before I was able to accomplish this, I had to let go of my expectations. I can only control my actions and take responsibility for my mistakes. I have no control how my amends is received. In some cases restoration might not take place. All I can do is humbly offer my amends. If someone chooses to hold a grudge or not to forgive, that is now their baggage to carry. I am now free. I don’t have to keep dragging around the heavy burdens associated with guilt and shame.