Letting go of my Emotional Security Blanket

My little Cinderella clings to her “special blanky.” She takes it every where. It’s a comfort that helps her overcome stress and anxiety; it also helps her relax and sleep better. She loves her blanky, and so do I. I smile when she holds it close, for I know she feels happy & secure. I feel so special & important when she allows me to hold her most treasured possession. 

Yesterday, I had to hand over one of my security blankets. It was very difficult, but needed to be done. There was tremendous loss as a result of my alcohol abuse. Something was suddenly ripped from our family and left a large wound. I’ve struggled with bit of an identity crisis as I have tried to adjust to the loss.

I Am Not Afraid - The Anchor Holds

"Blessed is every one who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways" (Psalm 128:1). What does this mean? Am I expected to live in fear of God? Am I supposed to fear the things that God allows to happen? I don’t believe so. I believe the fear of God is a purposeful fear that is encompassed with utmost respect. I’m not talking about the casual respect we have for other people, but a prudent reverence as we bow before our king.

I have a proper fear (respect) of God. I know that I need to honor Him by walking in His ways, not mine. I'm not going to tempt him or justify my actions. I humbly enter His presence, because without Him, I’m unworthy. Each day I take a fearless and moral inventory of my life. If I have said or done something to another, I promptly take care of it, by admitting it to God and then making amends with the person. If someone has said or done something to me, I promptly take care of it. I no longer want to allow resentment or anger to develop in my life. I have done that too many times. Now, I address the seeds of negatively before they sprout, before there is a bigger issue to uproot.

I am not afraid; I do not live in fear of what may happen. "For God hath not given [me a] spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (II Timothy 1:7). I can boldly walk forward with His confidence.

Assessing the Damage

The word of the month for me is awareness.   At this time I’m re-evaluating all relationships and distractions.  The distractions for me are clear cut.   It saddens me to think of the countless hours I’ve wasted playing games on Facebook.  I love games, but some of them truly drew me in.  There is nothing wrong with entertainment, but when it overtakes your thoughts, time, and actions, I think that could be classified as an addiction.  It was fun.  It helped me get my mind off of the storm that surrounds me.    I’m no longer focusing on the storm or mourning the losses.   So today I deleted my café, my farm, and the people that I know only through those games. I will admit that there was something freeing about deleting all of these distractions. 

Child of God.

I don’t feel like journaling today.   It’s been an ordinary day, with not much excitement.  The kids played.  I paid bills. Stress started to creep in.  I’m tired.  I’m distracted.  Then out of no where my oldest daughter asks me the question.   What was your favorite thing today?  I love that about her.  She finds joy in the most mundane tasks. 

As I thought about it, the answer was clear: watching my daughters play together.   I enjoy watching them play.  They run, skip, & dance.  They giggle & squeal.   They are innocent, fun loving, and free from all worry.  They celebrate every new discovery. They find beauty in everything.  They daydream. They are carefree.

Who Am I

Many of us struggle with our thoughts. We beat ourselves up. We forget who we are. We are in bondage to our negative thoughts. It’s time that we quit listening to all the lies and actively take God at His Word.  It’s time to let the truth set us free.  

So my friend, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” The Bible doesn’t say he might flee.  He will flee.   Its time to take up your shied of faith “which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16). Again, it says ALL of the arrows of the evil one.  All of the lies, the negative thoughts, those flaming arrows that seem to come out of nowhere, they will be extinguished.

Voice of Truth

Today I helped my best friend complete job applications. She desperately needs a job but isn’t sure what direction she wants to go. She has lost her way and is a bit down on her self. I see her doubts creeping into different areas of her life. Her self-image needs a make-over.

In a sense she has forgotten who she is. How many times have I been there before? I start listening to the negativity of the many voices calling out to me. This only leads to misery, frustration, & lack of fulfillment. The lies have stopped me from achieving things that I want in life. They almost kept me from getting up when I fell.

Boundaries - Knowing when to stop

Yesterday morning I woke up a little disappointed.  I felt guilty for the feeling.   My husband and I had a great date.  For the first time in years, we went out and truly had fun.   We laughed, we reminisced, we held hands, and we danced.  It was perfect.  It started with a single rose – the same color that he proposed with and evolved into a wonderful evening together.  He picked out a very thoughtful gift – a gift certificate to a salon so that the girls and I could get pedicures before our upcoming vacation.  This is something that I’ve always done, but he knew I wouldn’t spend the money now.  So yes – even the prefect gift.     

Plan of Action

The abuse of alcohol is a huge issue, one that affects every area of your life.  The damage is extensive & cannot be I fixed over night.   Repair takes time.   Slowly, I see restoration taking place in my life.   When God restores something it will not only be better than it was before, it will look different. 

I’m hesitant to share about my date last night.  The Bible says to, “decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 14:13) & I pray that what I intend for good, Satan does not use for evil, as a temptation to someone still struggling in their recovery. 

Bless The Broken Road

"Bless the Broken Road" has always had a special meaning for my husband and I,  but holds a deeper place in heart after this past year.  Somewhere along the way, I forgot the importance of maintenance.  As a result my life was on the broken road, once again.   My husband has stood by me through the good times and the bad. I'm thankful that God has blessed us, even during this season.

Ten year ago today, he asked me to marry him.  We were on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean. After dinner he handed me a rose, took me to a table in a secluded area, read a poem/ proposal that he had written, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his wife. I was speechless, had tears in my eyes, but didn't hesitate to put on the gorgeous ring.

That's What Friends Are For

Today I celebrate my accountability partner, my friend, and her recovery journey.  Tomorrow is her 1 year sobriety anniversary. What an incredible accomplishment!  The milestones associated with overcoming an addiction should be celebrated.   That’s another 365 (366 in this case) days of living one day at a time. 

Father God, I thank you so much for bringing me the most amazing accountability partner, amazing friend that one could have.  

Though she is ahead of me on this journey, you had her waiting… just for me. I prayed for the kind of accountability that I thought I needed.  But once again, you knew the big picture.  Thank you for not giving me what I asked for, but everything that I hoped for. 

Continue to be her strength as she remains true to her recovery.  Use “Rochelle” for greatness, as she shares her story, a story that so many can relate to.

Victory

In my Celebrate Recovery step study I tackled the steps to overcome my abuse of alcohol & diet pills and an eating disorder.   During this time, God gave has given me a new life in Christ and delivered me from my addictions.  I have been transformed from the inside out.  I am a new woman.  

The first 7 months of my sobriety journey, were a period of mourning, mourning all that had been lost as a result of my addictions.     When I stepped out of denial,   my life was disorganized and all over the place.   It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table.   It was kind of overwhelming.  At first my fears were so great; I couldn’t make much sense of it all.  I was randomly putting pieces together.   God was sitting next to me, comforting me.  At times He would reach over and help me put part of the puzzle together.  I just couldn’t do it on my own, I needed my Savior.  I couldn’t quite see the big picture.

My God given sponsor – the Exact Sponsor that I Needed

Yesterday’s entry conveyed, “The very moment that I became open and started seeking His heart, the words just started flowing.  I couldn’t stop them.”   That is so true this morning.   I started off with my thoughts on what journaling means to me, which led me to wonder how God might use me & my journey to help others.   I prayed for guidance on what direction to give back. I even e-mailed my pastor discussing this very issue.  Then, my sponsor came to mind.

Independence Day

Today we celebrate our country’s birthday, our independence day.  What does this mean to you?   For me, birthdays are a way to celebrate life, new beginnings.   I wonder if the 56 men that signed the signed the Declaration of Independence realized the magnitude of greatness that was taking place. 

Sadly, I think many of us get focused on our own independence.   Rarely do we reach out to others.   We fall into the pit of isolation and even self righteousness.  We even try to be our own Savior.  Of course, we never say this aloud.

Step 11: Touch of the Master's Hand

Last summer, my Gracie made a clay pot.   It was her first time to use a pottery wheel, so the whole process was a bit humorous.  She would get the pot almost perfect and then it would cave in. I'm not sure how many times this happened, but she kept working at it until it was finished, until it looked like she wanted it to look.

As I hold her pot in my hands, I keep thinking of me as the clay and God as the potter.  "Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand" (Isaiah 64:8). I have fallen apart many times, and yet he keeps remaking me.   Each time, I’m becoming a little more like He wants, as He continues to mold me into the woman I was created to be.

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't prepared for this sudden storm in my life. What began as a refreshing splash of water, turned into a torrential downpour. Not only was I caught without an umbrella, I had no disaster plan in place. It is essential that one knows how to remain safe and find shelter during a storm.

In recovery,we discussed how insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. As a consequence of not being prepared for storms & temptations, I have fallen numerous times. The thing is, I’ve never had a disaster plan in place. I’ve set boundaries and put preventative measures in position. These are essential, but still fall short. I need more. I cannot stop all storms from coming my way;  I need to be able to endure the storms.

Singing in the Rain

 

"Gracie"(8) & "Cinderella"(5)

Watching my daughters play in the rain today, reminded me that I too can find joy in the current storm in my life. This storm came on so quickly, and I wasn't prepared. I got caught without an umbrella and I'm drenched.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. (Psalm 5:11)  I'm so thankful that I can take refuge in Him for He "is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.(Psalm 46:1).  This storm has really opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. I'm learning to be thankful for everything... even this storm.  

Mercy Me- Hold Fast- Recovery Video

Hold Fast (Mercy Me)

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Step 10: Cross Roads: This is Where the Healing Begins

Day 214:

Dear God,  Search me, O God,know my heart, test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad & lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalm 139:23-24)

How I long to be right with you, to be made whole. So many times in my life I get sidetracked by the things of this world. I often waste more time chasing after desires or trying to find a way to accomplish things that don't really matter in the big picture.   Meanwhile I fail to spend quality time with you. As a result the intimacy & passion I once had, has faded. Even now procrastination creeps in. I'm at the crossroads of my recovery and the time has come to begin a daily journal inventory. Over the past few days, I have sat down to start this process numerous times, but I'm hesitant to begin.

Part of me is afraid that this will be another journal that I start, but fail to continue. I see this pattern in my life. My passion grows and I truly begin to mature in my walk. I step out in faith and am used by you to make a difference. I'm on the path and moving in the right direction, but then.... I get distracted. It's always a gradual process. I'm so busy running the race, that I don't realize the path is getting bumpy. And then, before I realize what happens.... I've fallen. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:120.) I am broken within,   Let your light shine on all the darkness in my life. Your grace is sufficient for even me and your power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthains 12:9).

The Gift of a Friend

Day 212: God is so faithful.   In 1997 I met my best friend.   It was a praise & worship gathering at Texas A&M.  Worship had started.   For some reason (possibly the Holy Spirit) I deiced to move during the service.  I ended up next to her.   Our friendship was instantaneous.   

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a true friend like her.  She loves me, despite my shortcomings.  We've laughed uncontrollably, cried hysterically, and have been there when life through some major curve balls.  

Last week I shared a resentment that I had been carrying for a few months.   Parts of my recovery, or what brought me to recovery are still very painful to talk about.  I felt betrayed.  Honestly, the situation wasn't as big as it seemed, but it hurt. 

Making Amends: I love you Anyway

Day 189: Making amends is something that I have done for my recovery. This is so much more than an apology. It’s restoration. As I let go of my past hurts and guilt, I’m able to find true freedom. For the firs time, I can truly let go & let God have control of my life and my will. Only now can He restore me, my broken relationship, my broken dreams.

Before I was able to accomplish this, I had to let go of my expectations. I can only control my actions and take responsibility for my mistakes. I have no control how my amends is received. In some cases restoration might not take place. All I can do is humbly offer my amends. If someone chooses to hold a grudge or not to forgive, that is now their baggage to carry. I am now free. I don’t have to keep dragging around the heavy burdens associated with guilt and shame.