The Before & The After

This morning I immediately starting claiming God’s peace for today. I have been struggling with the fact that I’m sharing my story tonight. He reminded me that it isn’t my story, but it’s His story. Friends have been encouraging me, and assuring me that this is yet another part of my healing. I’ll admit that I’m dragging my feet in this area. I know that I can trust God with all things, but for some reason I have trouble letting go. God is comforting me and spoke so clearly through my morning devotions.

“You are Christ’s body – that’s who you are! You must never forge this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything” (1 Corinthians 12:27-28. MSG).

I’m starting to realize what my part means, but I’m hesitant to move in this direction. Honestly, I need to quit hanging on to my fears and let God take control.

Remind Me Who I Am

They enemy constantly tries to bombard us with negativity. Sometimes he reminds us of our past, our failures, our imperfections, or our inabilities. He does everything that he can to distract. He would love to pluck us out of our Heavenly Father’s hand, but he can’t. Since he cannot steal our salvation he is out to rob us of the joy.

Meanwhile, God longs to renew us. Our relationship with God requires a daily renewal. As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve Him. I get frustrated when I realize that there are still areas that I haven’t surrendered, but as I allowed his light to shine in each dark area of my life, the scary shadows began to fade away. When we feel down and defeated, we must remember that the battle has already been won. If we are in Christ, we are a new creation, we belong to Him and can claim that victory in all areas of our lives.

I Surrender All (Principle 5)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."(Phil 4:6-7)/span>

If I truly grasped this, if I truly believed this, I guess I would apply this to all of my fears, even the fear of public speaking. If I had truly surrendered this to God, I wouldn’t be consumed with fear. I’m beginning to realize that this is yet another area that I gave to God, but quickly snatched back and tried to fix myself.

Let me tell you, this is REALLY difficult for me. I have avoided speaking engagemnts at all costs. Just standing in front of a room raises my adreneline as if I were in a life threatening situation.

As I was battling with this fear, my sponsor asked me if I was ready to take the next step, “Are you ready to try teaching a lesson?"

Seriously. What was she thinking? But of course, she knows me too well. Before I could respond with “ NO THANKYOU,” she tells me to pray about it and let her know what God says.

I contact my best friend for support. She will understand where I’m coming from, or so I thought. Dear friend says, “You are an amazing product of God’s work in you life. I think He’s grooming you for public speaking. You really speak wisdom. This is part of your healing and growth.” 

Gulp. That’s the second time this weekend that I’ve been speechless. Can’t I just stay in denial a little bit longer. I don’t want to let go in this area. 

Then another sweet sister’s advice: “Try to Declare that you will be calm! Try not to think nervous... delete that word. ‘So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:6). 

My friends won’t even give me a break. I know [much sarcasm implied] Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. But can’t I avoid this one just a little bit longer?

I’m reminded that Moses had a fear of public speaking. He also tried to avoid it. Even when he struggled in fear, God still used him. God can still use me. I just have to let Him.

My prayer (which yet another CR sister prayed for me)

Dear God, 

Help [me] share [my] story so that [I] have no fear and so that [I] will not so much as trip over a word. Let the power of your Holy Spirit make [my] words sound pure and true to all that hear it. Give [me] peace and comfort and allow [me] to be bold in testament to your holiness and mercy.

 Love, Me 

 

I survived my Testimony

Day 307:  The past few days I have been so stressed and nervous. I finished my testimony almost a month ago, or so I thought.  But for the past week I have been editing and changing things.  I realized that I forgot some key parts of my story. Then I had to find parts to delete. 

Last night I shared my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery Group. I have never been so nervous. At first I was speechless. LOL. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I stood there for a few seconds trying to plot my escape. I was terrified. Even though I'm not a gifted speaker, God still moved and a newcomer's heart was touched. I'm amazed at how God has turned my mess into a message.

Distracted

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God(Psalm 42:1).

Dear God, My desire is to have this same longing for you. I desire to have faith that isn't moved by sight or circumstances. No matter what is happening in the world around me I choose to have faith in you. This type of faith is essential and makes life worth living. As I'm navigating life in the midst of chaos please put a fresh wind in my sails. Love, Me

For the past few weeks, I feel that I have been under a spiritual attack. During this period I have been easily distracted and my temptations have been constant. It’s like I’ve been going through the motions. But I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He wants me to be real.

This morning I read “That's exactly how Satan works. He begins by bombarding our minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, and reasonings. He moves slowly and cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).” (Joyce Meyer)

I honestly believe the enemy is trying to throw everything at me so that I won’t share my testimony tomorrow night. Though I’m very nervous, I know I’m supposed to share. God has turned my mess into a message and I need to share.

Doing Things I don't want to do

I don’t know where to begin. I feel weak & distracted. With all the business of birthdays and preparing to give my testimony, somehow my quiet times have been put on the back burner again. How have I fallen back to this pattern again? It angers me. Am I starting to allow my duties to come before my devotion??? My thoughts are best illustrated in the message translation of Romans 7:16-25.

14-16 Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve

I’m baffled at my behaviors. My spirit is willing but [my] flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). This has been a reminder of my powerlessness and my need to live one day at a time. I’ve come a long way, but I need to keep moving in the right direction. I realize its time to dig a little deeper and start dealing with some of my root issues. This process takes time. I love how Mark Twain puts it, "A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time."

If We Are the Body

At our CR leadership meeting we completed a survey about our personal leadership characteristics. I was amazed at the diversity. There are people in the group that are complete opposites of me. I’ll admit that my first thought was a bit judgmental and I hoped that this activity would help people discover their weaknesses.

WOW. How I missed the mark. As Christians we are vital parts of the same body, and we must embrace the diversity. We have different personalities, abilities, & even flaws. We may not understand and appreciate all the unique traits, but we are disabling the body if we allow these differences to hinder us from working together. If one of us fails to do our part, the entire body is hurt.

It's OK to Grieve

I long to be a woman after God’s own heart, but right now I have to walk by faith and night by sight.  Right now I drained and don’t “feel” like doing anything.  I can’t quite explain it, but I’m aware that something is different. 

I talked with my sponsor and she suggested that I might be experiencing depression.   NOT ME.  I’m happy.  I’m recovered.  I’m doing great.   The suggestion put me on the defense.   How dare her.  

 

But truth be told, I think she is right.   Depression causes spiritual withdrawal, and that’s what I’m experiencing.  In the past, this would be the time that I slowly start to isolate myself, and try to hide my pain.   But through Celebrate Recovery,  I’ve learned that being transparent with my sisters (accountability team), is essential.  Bottling up my feelings can be self destructive and quickly take me back to the broken road.

Zealous for Him

How are my days going by so quickly? I think I’m falling into the trap of laziness. I get a few things done, but not much. This is out of character for me. Usually, I’m over committed and responsible. Lately, I appear to be procrastinating on all of the big projects that I want to complete.

The thing that concerns me is that I seem to be following the same pattern when it comes to my walk in Christ. 2012 is a year that I have set aside to regroup, focus on my recovery, and get back to the basics in my relationship with God. This has been a year of respite, refocus, and devotion. I have grown so much and let go of all the baggage that I was trying to hang on to. I’m learning to trust God and no longer try to control things on my own. Sounds great, but I’m realizing that when I’m focused, being responsible, and doing well on my recovery, I’m also having great quiet times. But when I get lazy, like the past few days, I tend to get lazy with my devotion time. I’ve still been reading my Bible but not with the same level commitment. It seems that the attitudes that I carry in my daily life are the same ones that I have towards my spiritual relationship.

The More I seek you

So quickly life gets busy and the schedule gets full.   Where do we draw the line?  Too many things occupy our time.  Too many things are distractions, taking us away from our first love.   It doesn’t have to be negative things or enticing things that distract us.   It can be activities, family time, entertainment, even service for God.  Yes, even ministry can distract us from intimacy and quality time with our Savior.

How do we find a healthy balance?  How do we succeed at loving Him with all of our being?  We cannot walk around aimlessly, hoping that all will balance out.  We must make it a priority to put God first, then prioritize our time for family, self, others, and the endless responsibilities.

Blessings

In this song Laura asks the question, “what if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your blessings in disguise?” I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better. He loves us so much so that He allows us to make choices and lets us attempt to rely on our own strength, but He is always there to provide a way out. In the process we realize that we must rely on Him. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life (Psalm 138:7).

First Day of School Tears

The first day of school came way too quickly.   Where does time go?  Summer flew by.   I knew the day was coming, but I wasn’t ready.  I have been cramming in as any mommy and daughter activities as possible, but I still wanted more. 

This morning, I was proud of my 8 year as she walked into her classroom.   She is so independent and becoming more responsible.   But I’ll admit I hid the tear in my eye behind my over sized sun glasses.  I feel emotional because she is growing up and capable of doing so much on her own.  Pretty soon, she will no longer need me to do things for her.

Then there is my baby.  I cannot believe that my baby is starting kindergarten.  I’m so used to her burying her head against my knee and wrapping her arms around my legs.   She’s shy and needs me to hold her and comfort her.  How will she make it all day without me?   How will I make it without her?

The school day is just beginning and I already miss them so much.  I miss being part of their educational journey.  I miss the sweet conversations that take place and how their eyes light up as they discover new things.  I miss being there during the proud moments as they master difficult skills. 

Through this season in live I’m trying to look at the positive side of things and not focus on what has been taken.   Though I miss home schooling so much, I know that this season of life is a season of refueling.  I have a minimal amount of responsibilities, so I can continue focusing on my recovery and preparing for the areas that God is calling me to give back.  I can focus most of my efforts on seeking Him. 

After the initial tears I was able to have a devotion time with my husband and then a personal quiet time.  I’ve been able to work on things for Celebrate Recovery.  All of this in a quiet house, without interruptions.  Honestly, I’m thankful for this time, this bubble that I’m in.  I will treasure it.  And though I miss them, I know it’s best that my daughters are school, for this season.  WOW.  I never thought I’d say that.  

I know that I need to learn to depend more on God and allow Him to be the source of my happiness. For many years my life and joy have solely revolved around children.  My identity must be grounded in Him, not my role as a mother. With each day, my children will depend on me less and less, but with each day, I’m learning to depend more and more on my Heavenly daddy for fulfillment.   

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”
Joyce Maynard

Find Your Wings (Mark Harris)

In My Daughters' Eyes

So many thoughts are racing through my mind as I try to write to write my testimony.  As each day passes, alcohol means less and less to me.   The desire has faded.  Even when I’m around it, I’m no longer consumed with feelings of missing out.  On the surface that feels good, but I don’t want to take my sobriety for granted.  I know that is the first step on the slippery slope of relapse.   There was tremendous loss as a result of my addictions, and that is one path that I don’t want to venture down. 

Becoming His Masterpiece

Ephesians 2:10 " We are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”  We have been created by the Master Artist and we are priceless.   As we look in the mirror we need to see what God sees.  He created us in His image so we should see His reflection, but too often we get focused on ourselves.   Until we allow God to chisel us into what he desires, we miss out His purpose in our lives.

I have failed God more times than I would like but He still loves me and continues to mold me into who he created me to be.  Becoming God’s masterpiece isn’t an easy process.  It’s painful; it takes time.  As I spend more time seeking Him, I keep discovering new areas that I need to involve God.  Each dark area of my life that I allow His light to shine, the scary shadows start to fade away.  I’m learning to trust Him with all of me.  I want Him to mold me into the image of His son, a true master piece. 

Becoming God's Masterpiece (By the Skit Guys)

Thy Word

I’m a bit high strung and always on the move.   I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast.   Though this doesn’t sound like a big deal, I sometimes try the same approach with my relationship with Jesus.  I try to rush through my quiet times and sometimes fail to retain what He’s trying to teach me.

God loves us so much and longs for us to spend time with Him.  He desires an intimate relationship.  He gave us His love letter.  As we read it and take the time to truly understand it, we come to know Him.  We must slow down and focus on being intentional as we meditate on the Word of God. 

Celebrate Recovery Step Study Graduation

My Celebrate Recovery Step Study was a life changing event.   I’ve experienced freedom from hurts and habits that were controlling my life.  I’ve learned to let go of things, things that I have held onto and couldn’t let go.   I’ve forgiven others and let go of resentments.  I’ve made true friends that love me, in spite of my flaws, and have gained accountability partners.  But most importantly I’m learning to trust God with everything. 

This has been the most amazing time as I have developed a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I’m so excited to see what God has in store as I’m learning to live beyond the broken road.  

Here is the letter I wrote to God at the beginning of my step study.  I'm amazed that God gave me so much more than I could have imagined.

Dear God,

Change my heart! Open the eyes of my heart.  I want to see you; I want to hear you.  It’s been way too long.  I feel so empty & so distant. How can I be the wife and mommy that I need to be, if I’m not being the daughter that you created me to be?  For so long I have bee trying to do things on my own.  I haven’t been trusting in you. Though I have been surrounded by people, I guess my pride has kept me from turning to them & asking for help.  I had to keep my image as “Super Mom.’  My Friends were always impressed and said that they couldn’t do all I was doing and keep up with all I had on my plate.    Turns out… I couldn’t do it either.    How I wish I hadn’t tried to do it on my own, how I wish I hadn’t set my expectations so high, and how I wish I hadn’t turned to alcohol to hide my pain!

I long to hear you voice again and have that connection with you.   I know your Word and what you expect of me, but I’m so spiritually weak, that I don’t have the strength to do it.  I can’t do this with my strength.  I need yours.  I have hit rock bottom.   I feel that I have fallen too far from Grace by continuing in the sin, even though I knew it was wrong.  I know that I don’t deserve another chance, but I’m asking and ready to truly surrender all to you.  Here is my prayer:

Psalm 40:12-17

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me. May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion; May all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, “The LORD be exalted!” Yet I am poor and needy;   may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Spiritual Blinders

I’m not sure where I heard the saying, but it holds true for me.   “When my mind wanders, it sometimes brings back souvenirs.”  Sometimes I get so distracted, and struggle to focus on what I’m reading or listening to. Yesterday, I was very distracted during worship.  It seemed like the more I tried to focus on the words I was singing to my Savior, the more I started thinking about the errands I needed to run or what we were eating for lunch.   Unfortunately, this isn’t something that only happens at church.  This mind wandering takes place during conversations with friends and even my quiet times.   I have good intentions, but get distracted with planning the day’s activities. 

When this happens, I begin to feel like Peter, when he fell asleep.  “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” Jesus asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:40-41).  I desire to seek my Father more intently, but my flesh is so weak.   I confess this often, but am starting to get frustrated at myself.  I love what Joyce Meyer’s says about this matter.  “Think about something on purpose. If you give the devil empty space, he will fill it.”

I need to become more disciplined in mind and not let it wander to whatever it pleases.   I must start intently focusing on His Word.   I find that reading my devotions out loud, helps in this matter.  I actually have to think about the words I’m reading.  I also keep a piece of paper beside me.  If I think of something, I write it down.  This gives me freedom to worship and mediate, without worrying about forgetting something that needs to be done later.  The Bible tells us to submit to God. At the same time, we learn that when we resist the devil, he will flee (James 4:7).  When I realize that I’m getting distracted, I often tell the devil to “leave me alone. This is my time with God, and there is no room for you.”   

I’m thankful that I serve a God who is patient and truly knows my heart and thoughts.  I’m honest with Him and am asking for His strength to stay focused. He desires a sincere & honest relationship with me more than he wants me to just go through the motions.

Most driving and carriage horse wear blinders. This prevents them from looking at the side or trying to turn around and see things that are behind.   They keep the horse from getting distracted or spooked by new objects on the streets. Blinders help horses to concentrate and keep looking forward, to focus on where they are going.  My prayer today is for spiritual blinders.  I want to focus on where God leading, not where I have been.   I don’t want to get distracted by things of the world and miss the destination that God has in store.  

I love My Celebrate Recovery Family

This evening when I left for Celebrate Recovery, I jokingly told my husband I’d be home by midnight.  Little did I know how close to truth this would become.  Though the program ended at 9:30, I stood around and chatted with several friends.  I so enjoyed this time.  I’m amazed at the relationships that are forming.  I’m becoming friends with women from all walks of life.  Never before have I known this kind of joy in friendships, and I’m grateful that it’s overflowing into some of the relationships that I had long before CR.

For those of you not in Celebrate Recovery, you may be wondering what that is.It’s a place to celebrate God's healing power in our lives through the 12 Steps of recovery and the "8 Recovery Principles" from the Beatitudes.  God calls us to bear each one another's burdens, and Celebrate Recover sets the stage for this to become a reality.

It's Time to Pick Up the Lord's Towel

For many years my service to God took priority over my relationship with Him, but for most of my recovery I have been in a bubble.   Most of my focus has been on me and my recovery.   I believe that I needed this time.   For the past few years, I have done very little for me.  I have been so busy with life and serving others, that I neglected my mind, soul, & body.  Now is a season of refueling.   I’m so blessed to have this time to truly be drenched in His presence, as He continues to mold me in the woman I’m becoming.  

Step 12 - Practice These Principles in all Our Affairs

Day 252:  Slowly, I’m learning to practice the 12 step principles in all of my affairs, not just the ones that brought me to CR.   God wants to transform all of me, and I’m trying to surrender all to Him.  This is a daily and lifetime commitment, not just for the season of this step study.  I pray daily for guidance, because I cannot do this on my own.