How Great is Our God ( Step 2)

I believe that there is one true God, the creator of the universe & all that is. He is the beginning and the end. He sent His only son, Jesus, to pay my ransom, a debt that I couldn’t pay.

God is all knowing, yet at times I try to hide from him. He is faithful, even when I’m not. He remains the same. He is awesome in power and strength, even when I’m weak. He is my protector and provider. He is loving, with an unconditional love. He is jealous for me and desires a personal relationship with me. He is forgiving and truly able to wash my sins as white snow. He is compassionate, just as a father has compassion towards his child. He is holy, blameless, & just. There is no one like Him; He is the name above all names. He is perfection, everything I’m not. My God is for me and on my side. He is the only reason life is worth living.

Hope Now (Step 2)

As my life was spiraling out of control, I had let go of hope.  I had accepted that the business and stress were a season of life that must be endured.  Rather than turn to hope, I tried to control my environment and those around me to the best of my ability.  When I fell short of my expectations I grew depressed, tired, & lonely, I turned to alcohol, not for hope, but to temporarily mask the pain. I also turned to my eating disorder for a quick fix, but failed to explore the root issues that caused me to over eat in the first place.

How do you Feel? Close to God or separated

I know that I matter to God & that He is the only one that has the power to help me recover (Principle 2), but there are times that I don’t feel close to God. I’m so thankful that my relationship with Him isn’t based on emotions or feelings.  One thing remains as His love never  gives up on me. Emmanuel which  means “God with us,” assures me that He is always there. I must learn to walk by faith and not by sight or circumstance. 

My Own Little World

Tonight I shared my testimony again. It never ceases to amaze me at what part God uses to speak life into someone else, or even myself. The tears started flowing before it was my turn to speak.

Inviting your non CR friends makes for a new experience, but begins the next stage of the restoration process.   I’m truly beginning to realize when you invite someone into the messiness of your life; they will hold your hand on the journey.

I’m also beginning to realize that “there is a bigger picture” to my recovery journey. God is starting to show me that my purpose stretches beyond the walls of my church, of my comfort zone.

Though it’s getting easier, I’m still reluctant to share. I've heard it said that it’s easier to share the story when you know the ending. I guess I'm leaning a deeper faith and reliance on God as this chapter remains open.

Loneliness is a Choice (Step 1)

I believe that loneliness is a choice. There have been times that I’ve felt lonely, even though I was surrounded by a crowd of people.

I believe that loneliness is a result of multiple choices. When I reminisce on the months preceding my lowest point there were several choices that led to my depression. Some of the isolation was intentional but some was caused by circumstances beyond my control. I failed to take time for myself, and was running on empty. I thought I was being selfish when I wanted a break. I denied my pain, made excuses, placed blame, and tried to rationalize my feelings. All of these were choices that I made that led me deeper into a state of depression and denial.

Today, I still struggle with feelings that I’m the only one going through this and worry how others will react. This too, causes a mental isolation from those around me. I realize that loneliness is a mindset, and I must be intentional about renewing my mind and abstaining from this self-inflicted pain.

• Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong things and that my life is unmanageable. "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." ( Matthew 5:3
• Step 1: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and compulsive behavior, that my life had become unmanageable. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to what is good. but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18

Resentments

In the past I have held on to resentments. I allowed them to take root and affect my life. I gave the other person power as I wasted hours thinking about them and how I felt wronged. I allowed the negative feelings to rob joy from my life and leave me feeling depressed. It created a sense of uneasiness, every time I was around the person.

One of the most difficult relationships has been with my mom. I never had a good relationship with her in the past, and really didn’t desire a relationship with her. Though CR, I’ve been able to work through those resentments and have forgiven her from past hurts. I also had to ask for forgiveness. With forgiveness there is freedom to move forward and leave the past in the past

One thing that really helped, was when my sponsor told me to consider the people who wronged me as sick people – just like me. Then she suggested that I show them the same tolerance I would show a sick friend. That helped me make sense of my feelings, but I was overwhelmed as we continued to work the resentment inventory. She asked me how I had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and all the things that angered me in others. I realized that I was guilty of the same things. I realized that the name, at the top of my resentment list, should be my own. for  

Powerless (Step 1)

I felt powerless & guilty for not being able to handle everything on my own, but I failed to reach out. I felt pwoerless when I couldn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations, so I tried even harder.  I felt guilty when I felt depressed, so I turned to alcohol to mask the pain.  I felt that I should be able to accomplish more.   I tried to control my life to the best of my ability.  Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. I failed miserably.  As hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to do fix things in my own strength.  But the thing is, God never intended for me to do life alone. 

There are things in my past that I’m not proud of, but I’ve learned many valuable lessons. Typically, I keep moving forward.  But this season isn’t passing by as quickly as I would like, so I still have a few “what-if’s” that like to distract me.   If only we hadn’t been so foolish and selfish with our money.  If only I hadn’t started drinking.  If only I would have reached out for help.  If only I hadn’t isolated myself. 

Sharing My Story

Last night there was new comer whose story has many similarities to mine.  It seemed a little too close to home as I shared the rest of my story for the first time. Yes, I actually shared the storm and the details surrounding it. She shared how the storm in her life is already active. We talked and cried and shared stories.  I'm probably one of the few people that can truly relate to the pain and fear that she is consumed with.

I’m so honored that God us using my mess as a message of hope to others.  There is a new sense of awareness about me today.  It’s also a great reminder of how far I’ve come.   It’s also a reminder of how delicate my situation is. It's hard to believe that even the scary parts can be used to reach others where they are. I'm trying to be faithful and share with transparency, but the "what if's" start whispering.   Fear tries to sneak in. All I can do is pray.

O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.  Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish.  How long, O lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.  (Psalm 6:1-4)

It's All About Him

I love our step study group.   I’m so amazed at the unity and trust that is forming, and it’s only the first lesson.  I’m so honored to be part of this group.   As one of the co-leaders the temptation to keep up my “perfect image” lingers around, but I’m so thankful that I have been transparent.  It wasn’t easy sharing my recent slip-ups or how beyond my comfort zone leaderships seems, but I’m glad it’s out there.  There are still several more messy layers to share, but I’m moving in the right direction.

The thing I must remember is that this isn’t about me or what I’ve done.  The story of my life is a story about the grace and unconditional love of my Heavenly Father. Sometimes I get distracted and allow my focus to turn inward, but that kind of thinking always leads me astray.  Rather than focus on my problems, I need to focus on the One who holds the solution. It’s all about Him.

Moving On - Stepping out of Denial & into God's Grace

I’m learning that stepping out of denial is a never ending process. In my first Celebrate Recovery step study I started getting annoyed by this, but now realize that the closer I get to God, the more I want to involve Him in all areas.  Denial is a mask that I wear in attempt to hide my pain and issues from myself & others. It’s the process of hiding my flaws in a dark closet that no one else can see. But God is light and in him there is no darkness. The first step in addressing denial is exposing my issues to the light of truth. I can no longer sugar coat my issues. I can no longer walk through life on auto-pilot. I must maintain an awareness and “consciously choose” to surrender to His will. It's time to move on.

Another essential part in moving past denial is complete transparency with my accountability team. When I share my thoughts and open my heart, they can identify the warning signs quicker than me. When I’m not transparent, I find myself it the scary pitfall of relapse. "Confess you sins one to another and pray for each other that you may be healed "(James 1:5). I want to be healed.

In the past I didn’t handle pain and disappointment very well. I would take it out on my husband and those closest to me. I attempted to mask the emotions with a few glasses of wine. Though it helped relax me, it was a coping method I used to avoid my issues. It was a way for me to stay in denial. As I’m stepping out of denial, I’m learning to address issues and disappointments quickly, so that no resentments take root. I’ve come so far, but there is still a-long way to go. At times, I still struggle with obsessing over disappoints and negative thoughts about myself. One day at a time, I’m learning to surrender all areas to God, but often don’t let go long enough for transformation to take place. One major difference is that I no longer isolate myself during difficult times, as I’m learning to be transparent with my support team.

For years, I’ve tried to do things my way. I never intended to harm myself, but my delusional thoughts have kept me trapped in denial. I have hidden behind a false sense of pride, though I’ve always been consumed with inferior feelings. I’m ready to start seeing myself how God sees me. I’ve taken my body for granted and have not been treating it as I should. So I’m breaking the effects of denial by learning to view myself through God’s eyes and treating my body in a healthy way. This begins with eating healthier so that I’m not tempted with my eating disorder, but also includes maintaining an awareness of my thought life. My body is His temple – a beautiful creation that should be treated with honor.

I'm Moving On (Rasal Flatts)

Step by Step - Stepping out of Denial

Not long ago I believed that I was powerful and in control. I quickly realized this was a facade and I was hiding behind a false sense of pride. Slowly my life spiraled out of control. I wanted to fix things. Even now I have the desire to change me but unfortunately I do not have the power. If I did, I wouldn’t be struggling with so many character defects.

In the words of Paul, “For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it. 19 I don't do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do” (Romans 7: 18-19 GNT). I now realize that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. My power is limited to living one day at a time as I surrender to God. Though I have the desire to control or fix my life, I need the help of my Savior to help me rise above the messiness I created trying to do life on my own.

Confession Time

I’ve tried to ignore the fact that I recently relapsed in the area of my eating disorder. A few weeks ago I took a blue chip, but failed to share the true reasons with those around me. I shared that I was starting to obsess about my weight and how I was struggling with low self-esteem. I shared the warning signs that signal I’m on the verge of a relapse, but I conveniently left out the rest of the story on how I purged on 2 occasions. And now I’ve experienced 2 more slip-ups since I took the chip.

The uncontrollable urges to binge and purge came out of nowhere, and caught me off guard. My first reaction was disbelief, since I had been successful in this area for almost 5 months.

Then I began to justify how it was only a minor relapse and that this area is so different than my addictions. I’ve truly been delivered from my alcohol addiction (11 months of sobriety) & I’ve abstained from diet pills for over a year now. The few timed that I’ve craved alcohol I immediately reached out to my sponsor and accountability partner. When I sense possible triggers, I reach out and share my concerns of possible temptation.

But I really haven’t talked about my eating disorder. I’ve tried to avoid the struggles; after all I only had a mild case. I’ve also avoided discussing the slip-ups because relapse was not an option in my mind. The perfectionist side of me expected that I would be the person that never relapsed in any area. I was usually a straight A student so why wouldn’t I be the perfect recovery participant?

But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t truly dealt with my eating disorder. I mentioned it in recovery and stopped the actions. I asked God for forgiveness, but never dealt with the root issues or causes. I haven’t dealt with the fact that I eat way too much and then hate myself afterwards. I haven’t dealt with my negative self-image and how I’ve hidden behind a false of sense of pride, most of my life.

Friends are a Special Hug From God

What a fun day!  We we went to a little café for lunch to celebrate Rochelle on her birthday.  I finally got to meet her Deb (her mentor).  For a couple of hours, the business of life seemed to fade, and the 3 of us shared fellowship & laughter.    

 I feel so blessed to have such uplifting relationships.  For a few years I isolated myself.  I had acquaintances, but really never let anyone in. My only real friend lived 6 hours away.  Due to distance and busy lives, I even shut her out of my struggles and depression.   I don’t know why, but I did. 

Today I feel so thankful for restored relationships and new friendships.   For a long time I took friends for granted and failed to invest the time and energy into developing true friendships.  I thought I was ok with having acquaintances, but when times got difficult I really had no one nearby that I could turn to.   I never realized how vulnerable I was, trying to do life alone.

I now realize that I not only need friends for the fun times, I need friends that are going to give me sound advice, people that I can be transparent with, and friends that will hold my hand during the difficult seasons of  life.   “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17).

God loves camping.

There is something about camping that slows our pace as we leave behind the chaos of our daily lives. There is a sense of freedom as you explore the unknown. For a moment you are awed at the beauty and the creator's attention to detail in the Texas hill country landscapes, majestic sunsets, and even the sound of coyotes howling in the distance.

For my family camping is a time for relaxation and reflection, a time to stop and enjoy God's creation. We enjoy walks and campfires & learn to find pleasure in the little things. We play games, climb trees, & makes s'mores. We leave behind the business & schedules. For the most part we disconnect from the technology and multi tasking - all the things that were supposed to save time.

Unfortunately the extra time is used to accomplish more, resulting in hectic schedules that won't even fit in an old fashion planner. We are constantly racing off to the next event, bible study, or kids activities with never enough time to stop and connect.

That's not the type of life that we were created for. God wants us to Sabbath, to slow down. Did you know that the word for Tabernacle means "sets up camp?" There is special unity that forms when you tabernacle together, and the distinctive act of camping cause you to slow down and be present in each others lives. Numbers 9:8 says - "And Moses said unto them, Stand still, and I will hear what the LORD will command concerning you."

My Serenity Check-Up

The Celebrate Recovery Leader’s guide suggested a Serenity check-up. “How’s your serenity?” What kind of question is that? My immediate thoughts were pretty confident. My serenity is great; after all I say the serenity prayer every day. But that’s where the problem lies. I’ve memorized the words, I say them aloud, but have failed to let them penetrate my heart.

 

God Grant me the Serenity

I’m admitting that I am powerless and cannot accomplish this on my own. I’ve failed miserably in my attempts to do life in my own power. I turned to alcohol for a temporary respite, to ease the pain, the stress. Though it briefly masked my despair, peace was still lacking. I’ve tried to find peace in things, relationships,& my role as a wife or mother. None of these can fill the void that only He can fill. Only with God’s help am I able to leave behind the baggage of fear, guilt, worry, or the all-consuming what if’s that flood my mind. So today I’m asking God for His peace, which transcends all understanding and will guard my heart and mind in Him(Philippians 4:7).

I'm Running to Your Arms

I’m still trying to process everything that I’m feeling.  The retreat challenged me to a deeper place in my walk.   I know that He is calling me to lead and to share my story.  I was reminded that He doesn’t call the qualified, but He qualifies the called.  

I truly want to surrender all to God.  I say this so easily, and for the moment I mean it.  But for some reason I keep holding back.  I’m afraid to be transparent.  The truth is ugly and I don’t want people to see.   I fail to be honest with those around me.   I know that sharing my story will impact others.  I know that the truth sets us free, but ironically the truth can hinder my freedom.  

I wonder how Eve felt after eating of the fruit.   She was created for a beautiful life in the garden, but lost that life in the blink of an eye.  I wonder how she felt taking those first steps outside of the garden.  Was she full of guilt? Was she afraid?  Did she miss the simplicity and happiness of life in the garden?  That’s where I am today.  

The Hurt and The Healer

This weekend I attended a women’s retreat called Infusion - Filled to overflowing.  WOW!  I’m not sure where to begin.   This experience has been AMAZING.

We were asked to write down our needs for the weekend.   Really?  I’m here to relax.   I never thought about my needs or expectations.    Hmm.  I need to be filled to overflowing.  I need to slow down & intentionally listen.  I need complete healing.  

Of course tears start to trickle as I wrote the last words.   Once again I buried my emotions and tried to pretend all was well. But in reality, the what might have been’s were creeping in.   Here I am in “that” ballroom.  Just a year ago I was here in this very room.  I was a proud mommy of 3 southern belles and 2 American Patriots.  My adorable 5 kiddos adorned the cutest costumes at the party. How things have changed.  For a moment I allowed myself to grieve.   There is still part me of that misses the life I once had.  I wonder what things would be like today, if they were still part of my life.  I wonder how they are doing and who they are becoming.  I wonder about the people that are taking care of them and are tucking them in at night.  Do they realize that there are angels in their presence? 

Another Chapter is Beginning

Today, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.    Leading a group is so beyond my comfort zone.  I’ve even questioned God and myself about leading this step study.  Every time I pray, I receive peace.  It’s only when I start thinking about it, start focusing on my abilities (or lack thereof) that fear arises.  

I’m so thankful that God is patient with me and reassures me.  “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  (Isaiah 55:8-9)  

Last night I was so amazed at the incredible women that are taking this journey.   I can’t explain it, but the feeling was so different than beginning of my previous step study.   Obviously I’m looking at this experience through different eyes, for I’m not nearly as broken as I was.   But the main thing that amazed me was how much everyone shared about what brought them to this step study. They are so open.  Everyone’s story is so different, yet a bond is already starting to form. 

I’ll admit that I began to feel inferior, even felt that one of the participants was more qualified to lead than me.  Then someone asked if they could hear my entire testimony.  I realized that some of the women don’t even know my story.  Then my mind began to wonder and the what if’s started to creep in.   What if these women knew?  What if the truth about my alcohol addiction surfaces and more consequences are given?  How can I lead this, when I’m not even ready to share the details of my story?  What if the storm moves in?

Though I don’t understand why, I know that God clearly wants me here right now.  I trust his lead.   I’m beginning to realize that God is going to use this experience for me and my healing.    

Father God, Lead me on this journey.  I trust you, I’m following you.  This is yet another chapter in my story, in the story of what you are doing in my life.

And the Second Step Study Begins Tonight

My self image is so negative right now.  For most of my life I’ve dealt with pride and saw myself better than others.  Now, the opposite extreme has taken over.  I feel so unworthy.  Three years ago, I wouldn’t have associated with the person I became.   I would have told you only a weak person would “need” or rely on alcohol.  I would have been confident that I would never walk down that path.   I was a strong woman.  I had everything going for me and I was even serving God.

And here I am now, a recovering alcoholic, a woman that experienced great loss, and only by the grace of God am I enjoying life with my family. 

I’m intimidated about leading a group of woman through the steps.  I just completed the steps myself.   I’ve never led a Bible study before and now I’m co-leading a Celebrate Recovery Step Study.  I understand what I have to give a woman struggling with addictions, but this step study consists of women with hurts and hang-ups, but no addictions.  What do I have to offer? 

What can I tell others?? I can share the healing touch of God that I received and all that He has taught me.   

And He Spoke

WOW!  God is so faithful.  Even as my mind strays and negative emotions enter,   God hears my prayer.  Yesterday’s prayer – “Word of God speak”. And did He speak!  

At 7:43 this morning my sponsor sent me a text asking me to come to her house.  She said that God hadn’t moved her to do this with anyone in a long time and she felt it was important. We worked through a number of exercises.  

I don’t know how to put this experience into word, but I’m so grateful that God is speaking to me and using my sponsor.  I had no clue what I needed or wanted in a sponsor, but I have received so much more than I even asked for.  She seems to know what I need, even when I have no clue.