Just where I am

I gave my testimony tonight. Though I wasn’t as anxious as I have been in the past, it was very difficult to get through. First there were technical difficulties with microphones. UGHUG. Somehow I didn’t let that get to me and pushed through. But I broke down sharing about my sponsor and all that she did for me. I miss her so much. Her loss is still so heavy on my heart. I’m past the bitterness and anger, but I miss her and our special times together. I’m realizing that I need to fill the missing link in my support team, but I’m not sure that I’m ready. I think I’m intentionally procrastinating because I’m not wanting to let go or open a new chapter. Maybe I’m afraid of losing another sponsor. My first one left the ministry, and now this. I feel so weak. I wish that I was stronger, but then again, maybe my weakness is what keeps me humble and dependent on God. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I must rely on His strength.

Beauty For Ashes

It’s been 4 weeks since my last entry. On June 21 the fresh wound of my sponsor’s death, was ripped open again. Since then I have been avoiding my feelings by trying not feel anything. I have felt very disconnected. I have allowed deceptive thinking to pull me down and resentment to form. The past few weeks I have been going through the motions but hitting a road block in ALL areas in my life.

Yesterday, I shared my heart with my accountability team. I finally allowed myself to

I want to Live Like That

A couple of days ago an unexpected knock at the door caused the “old me” to momentarily sneak in. It was animal control. Evidentially the neighbors aren’t very happy with our barking dog. Immediately, I was defensive and was quick to make it know that there are several barking dogs in the area. I assured them that are dog is inside most of the time. The complaint was marked as no violation.

Throughout out the day I was annoyed. Why didn’t they attempt

I Refuse (Josh Wilson)

I woke up excited, ready for the Celebrate Recovery One day training in Dallas. The anticipation and excitement were overflowing. Then all of a sudden, the joy disappeared. How can one song trigger such deep emotion?

Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them. 

Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has

Why I Journal

I’m a bit high strung and always on the move. I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but sometime I try the same approach when it comes to spending time with Jesus. Journaling causes me to slow down and evaluate my day and get more in touch with my innermost thoughts. It allows me to see areas where I’m getting distracted. As I examine my day, it gives me valuable insight to the choices I made.

I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly.  I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose

"Who Am I" - Les Misérables

I’m moving forward on my recovery journey, but to be honest, I’m still having a bit of an identity crisis. For so long I put up barricades to protect myself. I hid behind my perfect image, isolating myself from others. I was afraid to let others see the real me. Today, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggles and let others in, but have a hard time knowing when to share and when it’s ok to keep quiet. 

I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.

When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.

I Dream A Dream - Les Misérables

Last night my husband and I watched Les Misérables. What an incredible story of courage, grace, and redemption! I’ve seen the musical and movie before, but this time it penetrated my heart in a deeper way. Now I have more of a firsthand understanding of the grace displayed. Only a year ago I was still struggling, like Javert. I was trapped in my own legalism unable to accept grace and forgiveness. Today, my life more relates to Jean Valjean, I have been transformed by grace and it overflows to those around me. I’m even learning to give myself more grace when I fall short. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes. 

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by, 
When hope was high and life worth living. 
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving. 
Then I was young and unafraid, 
And dreams were made and used and wasted. 
There was no ransom to be paid, 
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.” 

Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.

 “…the tigers come at night, 
With their voices soft as thunder, 
As they tear your hope apart, 
And they turn your dream to shame.” 

The Gift of Time

“Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” Rick Warren

Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I

going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.

Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.

I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!

Giving Grace to myself

I'm so much more laid back and accepting the fact that I will never be perfect. But when I have rough days like yesterday I get very agitated with myself. I feel like I shouldn't have those struggles. Ugh. I need to give myself more grace. Joyce Meyer paraphrased it like this “God doesn’t have a bad attitude toward you—and you shouldn’t have one toward yourself! (1 John 4:9-11)” 

 Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.

What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.

This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.

I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.

I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved

Daily Inventory & Journaling

Sometimes in life things catch you off guard and you find yourself totally unprepared to deal with it. That’s kind of where I am right now, feeling tired and beaten down. Honestly, I really don’t even feel like journaling today. I’m beginning to feel that I need to take a break from the business of life and just slow down for a bit.

I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.

Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?

Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.

I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.

Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9) 

Step 10: I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.  “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!: (1 Corinthians 10:12).

At the Crossroads - Only You

Here I am again at the crossroads (lesson 19) of my recovery journey. It’s time to dig deeper and get more intentional on the daily journaling. During my first step study this was the time that my recovery really took off, the miracle came. I refer to the 7 days of journaling as my miracle week. It was during this intense week of quiet times and self-examination that I finally forgave myself. I was freed of all of my baggage - the guilt, shame, & fears were gone. I was truly set free. As I began to pour out my heart to God and allow my feelings to flow through journaling, I soon realize that a majority of my testimony was written.

This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.

I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.

Cry Out to Jesus

As I think about my sponsor’s life, I’m amazed at the impact she had on so many, many people, I’m overwhelmed. In her 15 years of recovery she impacted 100’s and 100’s of people – that’s more than most reach in a lifetime. I want to be in place where I allow God to use me like this, but somehow I keep getting in the way. I feel like I’m wandering around in the desert, not sure of the next destination. It’s a bit confusing. I know that I don’t want to return to Egypt, my old life of bondage. There is no question in my mind that I need Jesus and want to follow Him. But what does that look like for me? How am I supposed love and serve others? What is the proper balance between serving others, CR, homeschooling, and my roles as a wife & mom? What does it look like to keep my devotion to God before my service for Him? I ran on empty for so long and never want to try to live through a drought again.

I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.

Save a Place For Me

This morning I had an incredible quiet time.  I spent a little over an hour in prayer, the Bible, and devotions.  I put on my armor of God and clothed myself in Him.  It's been many months since I had a quiet time like this.  God new I needed this time, Today.   Only a few hours later I received some terrible news - a love one had passed away.

So this Memorial Day as we honor those who gave their lives serving our nation,  I’m mourning the loss one of the greatest warriors in my life, my Celebrate Recovery sponsor. She made the most of her time, her life by serving others. She truly loved others and has made a HUGE difference in the lives of many, many people.

Clothed in Him

Lately I seem to be distracted by the business of life. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Last year I had so much free time that it was easy to focus solely on my recovery and my relationship with God. It was easy to stay connected and maintain an attitude of prayer throughout my day. For a season I was sheltered and protected from the business and conflict that often arise in life. It was easy to maintain my “perfect” recovery image. 

But lately that’s not the case. I get distracted , I lose my cool, I’ve even made some poor choices. Why is it that 18 months into my recovery journey I still find myself leaning on my own understanding and strength while trying to control things? His word says that “a righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord deliver him for all” (Psalm 34:19). I trust God and know that He is far bigger than all the trials that I face. So today, as I prepare for this day, I clothe myself in Him – the strength I need to make it through the day. 

Father God, help me to hear your voice throughout my day. Guide me in your wisdom. I know that you are far bigger than all my problems and all the negativity that has crept into my mind. Today, renew my mind. I want to see you clearly, not just in this very moment, but throughout my day. Show me where there is sin in my heart, or anything that is pulling me in the wrong direction. Help me to turn my mind to you rather than try to face them on my own. I want to be clothed in you.  Love, Me

Grace -

When I began my recovery journey I believed that I had fallen to far from grace, but I soon discovered that God was faithful even when I wasn’t. I now realize that God was with me always. He placed so many people and warning signs in my path, but I was too stubborn to admit my struggles. But God didn’t quit, He was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention, to save me from the path I was on. His grace was there when we sold our home to the first person that looked at it and then the same thing happened for my parents and they relocated here to help me on this journey. God has used this trial to restore my marriage and heal my family. He has restored my relationship with Him and using my experience to help others. He knew that it would take something this big to get my attention, yet His grace was there protecting me from more severe consequences. God’s grace has picked me up from my rock bottom choices and now my daughters’ will not be growing up as children of an alcoholic and acquiring all the baggage that goes with that.

God’s grace is sufficient for even me & His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me ( 2 Corinthians 12:9). I receive God’s grace by faith. When I humble myself and confess my sins, He is faithful to forgive me. Jesus did all the work for me. I just have to accept His grace.

God loves me in spite of my mistakes. He has forgiven me and wiped my slate clean. God has not given me what I deserve so I choose to forgive others even if they don’t deserve it. I sure don't deserve the forgiveness that God has given me. I'm learning to give that grace freely to those around me, even the ones still in denial.

Example of Grace in Les Miserables

 Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others when possible, except when to do so would harm them or others. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9) 

Step 9: I Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  “There, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.  First go and e reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-23)

I'm changed - Victory in You.

I've tried to change on my own and nothing happened.  I kept doing life my way, expecting to get different results - INSANITY.   I now realize that I have to allow God to make the changes, and I have to stop getting in His way.

He is changing me from the inside out.  It's a process.  That is so opposite from my ways. I tend to control the outward appearance and surface issues.  God goes straight to my heart and begins by renewing my mind. God is changing me and for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing victory and freedom.

As I'm working my second step study, God is challenging me to dig deeper and take a closer look at my personal character defect.  During my first step study I dealt with the surface issue of alcoholism and all the guilt associated from the mistakes I made. Now I'm ready and willing to submit to any and all changes.  I no longer want to justify my flaws.  I truly want to become more Christlike.

Positive Changes

There are so many positive changes that have come from my recovery journey.  It began with restoration and the returning of the joy of my salvation.  The miracle came when I was finally able to forgive myself.  All of the guilt, fear, and shame were gone.

  So much of my life and ministry were pruned away. There was a season of grieving, a season of healing, and now I'm seeing the season of restoration and regrowth. The new growth has been beautiful, but it takes time for growth to occur.  My new life looks so different than the life I once had, the life I thought I wanted.  I feel so much stronger, just like scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. Along with new strength is a sense of peace, a peace I've never known.

I'm learning to turn things over to God and to truly let go.  I"m also learning that I don't have to hide behind my mask - that "perfect image" I've worked so hard to maintain.  Jesus was made perfect so that I don't have to be.

My life is no longer focused on me and is no longer defined by the mistakes I've made.  It's about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior, & how He was willing to do whatever it took to rescue me.

My God Box

As I continue this journey I keep maturing in my walk. I’ve come to the point where I’m truly ready to submit to any and all changes that God wants to make. I’m tired of playing God and

attempting to control my life. I find myself doing the same thing over and over as I go round and round obsessing over my life. I say that I’ve surrendered all to God, but I keep finding areas that I’m trying to hang on to. I’m ready to let go, but that is easier said than done. 

Today, I finally took my sponsor’s advice and made my own God Box. She has mentioned this many times but I wasn’t sure it was something I needed. I mean, I had already given it all to Him, or I thought I had. The problem is that I can’t seem to let go. 

My God Box is where I symbolically turn my fears and struggles over to God. By writing it down I’m saying that these areas are beyond my control. I realize that I need help; I need my Savior to take this one for me. Today I officially want to turn this worry or problem over to God. By faith, I’m taking a new step.

My first areas I’m turning over to God (again):

My need to control 
My self-image and how others see me 
My concerns and our struggles from choosing to be a single income family 
My inferiority complex and feelings of not being good enough 
My newest sponsee and my lack of confidence
My lack of leadership abilities
My relationship with my husband

·         Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “ Happy are hose whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.”

·         Step 6:  I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will life you up." (James 4:10)

More Like You

While sharing my inventory, my sponsor shared a quote that has echoed in my mind over and over. The more I ponder it the more it’s shaping my prayer life. I’ve done a little research on

Michelangelo’s famous quote on David. The marble of David was very old, and even of a poorer quality than most pieces used by artist. It had been worked on by 2 other sculptors, both walked away from the unusable piece of marble. That amazes me. How was such a masterpiece sculpted from what appeared to be inferior? When asked how he created David, Michelangelo replied: “I simply took away what wasn't David". How profound, yet simple. He just chiseled away what wasn’t needed. 

I Need You!

I finally completed my fifth step last night. What a relief to have that behind me. My sponsor shared great insight into one major life pattern that seems to keep setting me back. As a child I was taught to be independent and take care of myself. Throughout my life, I have a pattern of setting myself of for failure, while trying to achieve high expectations. Everything in my life has taught me to rely on myself. When I fail, I try harder; I try to fix things. But I wasn’t designed to rely on my strength. Self-reliance fails every time.

It seems with each step God slowly peels back another layer of my life. Unfortunately each layer has new areas that need to be exposed to His light, and with each layer there seems to be a new layer of denial to address. I’m getting really tired of this denial topic. Will it ever be a thing of the past?

In addition to still trying to run things in my own power, I have underlying fears that are holding me back. I fear not being in control. I fear having too much control. I fear not being taken care of and lack of security. I fear not being good enough, failing, and unworthiness.  This constant struggle of relying on self all stems from me not trusting God wholeheartedly. When I have these feelings, in a sense, I’m saying that Christ wasn’t good enough.  He was made perfect so that I don't have to be.  I need to truly turn my life over to His control.

I’m realizing that I still have lots of character defects that need His attention. They have deep roots. All this time I have been faithfully pulling the “weeds” in my life. I have worked so hard trying to maintain that perfect image. As each issue resurfaces I deal with it, I find a way to make it go away. But each time, they resurface. My self-reliance has failed me, but God is ready to do for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. I have finally reached a point where I am ready to let God pull all the ugly weeds by their roots.

 During my first step study I honestly thought that it was all downhill at this point. I was so wrong. Step 6 is the step that separates the women from the girls. This is where I “voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.” I’ve been trying to run things my way for so long that this step seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m so ready to take this step.

Father God, I'm desperate for you.  I'm reaching out.  I need you now.

If We Ever Needed You - Casting Crowns

 Hear our cry, Lord, we pray

Our faces down, our hands are raised

You called us out, we turned away

We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise

We do what is right in our own eyes

Our children now will pay the price

We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength

With all our minds, we're at Your feet

May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives

Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

We're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, reaching out

We need You now

Revive us now

We need You now