Hearing His voice

Sitting here in silence, I strain my ears to hear that still small voice. I long to hear His voice, but all too often I miss it. The chaos of the day ahead is already echoing in my mind: lessons to be taught, bills to paid, and all the needs only a mommy can meet. It’s so easy to lose focus and get distracted in the business of life. John 10:27 says, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.”

When my daughters first started talking, the world around me faded. All that mattered was hearing and understanding what they were trying to say. All distractions were tuned out as I strained to hear the only voice that mattered. I remember the sadness I felt if I missed hearing their new words for the first time. There was a sense of urgency as I rushed home to hear their new words first hand.

I have these same feeling today. As I look around I keep meeting women that have learned to hear His voice in way I seldom hear. I’m tired of missing the precious words of my Savior. I know He is talking, but for some reason I’m not tuned in. “Be still and Know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10). I’m trying to slow down and be intentional about listening to His Words & truly hearing His voice,.

Father God, I know that when I seek you, I will find you when I search for you with my whole heart (Jeremiah 29:11). Guide me on this journey to knowing you more. Help me to set aside what I think I know, so that I can fully know you. Take away anything in my life that is holding me down. Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) ow you.

Unfailing Love - Christ Tomlin

Sometimes I feel there is something important missing from my prayer life. It’s like I’m going through the motions rather than truly connecting. I know that part of this is an attack. There is always a heaviness around the time I’m sharing my testimony, but I still feel like the disciples when they said “Teach us to pray” (Luke 11:1).

 I also know I have a history of relying on myself. I was taught from an early age to be independent and take care of myself, but this self-reliance developed into an attitude of arrogance. How many times have I turned things over to God, only to take it back and do things my way? What I a mess I made, trying to control my life! I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better and rely on Him. It’s during some of the roughest storms that I’ve

Something in my Eye

This morning I went to the eye doctor.  For the past week my eye has been bothering me. It was itchy, watery, and felt like something was trapped under the eyelid.  I tried flushing it out several times, but nothing helped.  I decided to over-look it for a few days, maybe it would heal itself.  Denying I had a problem didn’t work out well, so this morning I finally sought help.  The doctor quickly identified the problem, a small speck in my eye.  For those of you that know me, I get a bit sarcastic. The doctor and I were both laughing as he tried to remove it.  I was still laughing when he said he would apply a local anesthetic to my eye and do a simple surgery to remove the speck.  Then, I realized he was serious.  Evidently that small speck I had been ignoring, embedded itself under the surface of my eye.  OUCH!  Now my eye is scratched and has an open wound from the removal process.  

Why did I overlook this speck? It was so small I couldn’t see it and self-examination didn’t reveal a problem.   I needed help, but didn’t reach out.  When I finally did, the small problem had grown into a much bigger problem.

Jesus tells us to first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.  The thing is, sometimes we need to help identifying the problem.  I’m so thankful for my accountability team.  They are there to help me take inventory of my life and clear away the obstructions.  They help me see more clearly.  

Open Me

I’m sitting here today so grateful for all that I have been blessed with and delivered from. There is a new level of excitement and hunger about me. I’m ready to dig even deeper. I truly want to become more like Him and develop my relationship with Him beyond what I’ve known. My desire is to grow in intimacy with my Savior. I know in turn that will overflow into the lives of those I'm sponsoring/ mentoring.

I've decided to enter a Christian mentor-coaching program. I want someone to walk along side me on this journey and challenge me to dig deeper and help me to mature in my walk. It's time "grow up in my salvation" & learn tools in maintaining a conscious contact with God.  Sometimes, OK alot of the time, I get tunnel vision and need someone to help me regain focus & look at things from a different perspective.  I desire this type of mentorship and know that God wants to brighten my light in way that He can use me more. Please pray for me during this season, I'm expectant of great things.

My Accountability Team

For so many years I lived by my strength trying to maintain my “perfect image.” I loved God and desired to serve Him with my life, but somehow my vision got blurred. My life became more focused on what I was doing than who I was doing it for. My service took priority over my devotion. What started out as a refreshing splash of water eventually turned into a downpour and before I realized it, I was in over my head.

Looking back, I see the warning signs. At one point I even reached out for help, but I thought my life was too messy. My pride kicked in and I was determined to fix things on my own. But I couldn’t, I didn’t have the strength. My life was out of balance because I had stretched myself too thin. As my life spiraled out of control, there was no one there to hold me up. Why? Because I never let anyone past that perfect image I worked so hard to maintain. One of the biggest blessings of Celebrate Recovery is that I now have a team of women that I can lead on when future storms come my way. I love my Celebrate Recovery forever family.

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.

Proverbs 11:14

The Way home - A Princess Story (By Max Lucado).

Today, during our homeschool day, we read The Way Home a Princess Story by Max Lucado. Wow. It brought tears to my eyes as I related to the princess that had wandered off. I felt like I was reading my testimony in the format of a children’s book. The story is about Princess Ann, a girl that was adopted into royalty but still intrigued by the land beyond her castle walls. She sets off to explore a world not meant for a daughter of the king. It’s hard to imagine someone slipping or choosing to leave a palace, but it happened to me. As I was looking for respite from a busy life, I strayed from the right path. 

The enemy gets Anna alone and entices her. All too soon she found herself entrapped by the forest; she was lost. She found the consequences more than she could bare. Only a few years ago I found myself in a place where I too was in over my head. For me, what started off as a refreshing splash of cold water, quickly turned into a downpour. I isolated myself from others. I built walls to hide my depression, worries, and alcohol usage. I felt the need to masquerade through life pretending to have it all together. This isolation caused a void that led me deeper into to depression, resulting in the vicious cycle of needing one more glass. Thus, my abuse of alcohol began. 

But her father, the king, wouldn’t let her slip away that easily. He was determined to find her and rescue her. People were shocked that the king was willing to go into the forest to find her. They judged her because she chose to leave. How could a Christian knowingly continue in the sin of drunkenness? There is no way a Christian could be controlled by an addiction. "The worries of life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and make us unfruitful"(Luke 4:19). Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."(James 1:14-15).

I love the king’s response, “She has been my daughter much longer than she has been with them.” The king was willing to do whatever it took to rescue her. That kind of reminds me of the parable of leaving the 99 to find the one sheep that wandered off. God still sees value in the one that wanders off!

The king eventually finds Anna and invites her to come home, but she just stands there in shame. I chose this. I deserve this. My sins are too great. All lies that enemy kept whispering to me, trying to keep me down. 

“But you weren’t made for this,” replies the king. The creator of the Universe kept calling out to me because He still lovesd me. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

The king sacrifices his life for her freedom. God sent His Son to pay the price for me. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). Wow, I love that verse. 

Anna didn’t understand, “I can’t go back. I don’t know the way.” When I stepped out of denial, my life was disorganized and all over the place. It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table. It was so overwhelming. 

 “Stay with me,” the father invited. “I’ll show you the way home.” I didn’t realize God was sitting next to me, helping me put the puzzle together. He led me home. Today, the story of my life is no longer defined by the mistakes I made. It’s about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior and how he was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention & rescue me.

Whom shall I fear

A few months ago I attended a prayer meeting where a lady said she saw a path in front of me with many obstacles. Some of the obstacles were bigger and heavier than others. She said God was going before me moving those obstacles out of the way. How true this is in my life. There were so many obstacles that God moved out of the way. Even when I thought God had abandoned me, He was

Another testimony

Last night I gave my testimony again. Throughout the day, I was full of peace. Praise God. I’m amazed at how he is transforming me. I will admit I was taken back when I saw my sponsor’s empty seat. It was the first time I’ve attended her CR since her passing. I got a little choked up talking about her, but I looked for comfort to the ladies that came to support me.  I have truly been blessed by an amazing support team.  I'm so thankful for His peace that surpasses all understanding that directed me this evening. I’m beginning to understand that my testimony isn’t really about me at all. It’s about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior and how he was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention & rescue me.

Slowing Down

All too often my thoughts drift in the wrong direction and take me down the path of negativity and doubt. I don’t understand why I keep falling into this same old pattern. I need to shift my thoughts to His thoughts rather than mine. How do I truly take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ? I know that He has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7). But if I truly believed this I wouldn’t keep giving Him areas and then taking them back. All too often I turn things over to Him only to get in His way a short time later. I desperately need to start standing on the Word of God and not allow myself to caught in the web of deception.

The key is balance.  Last year I was sheltered in my "recovery bubble." Now that I'm venturing out again, I struggle with balance.   I  know that I cannot allow myself to get distracted in the business of life, my relationship with my Savior must come first.   I have found myself back in place where serving has become too much of a priority.   I need to find the proper balance in this area too.   I cannot do this on my own, and I don't want to try living life on empty again.   So today I'm stepping back a little and making sure that I'm taking time to refuel.

Wait and See

Tonight I completed my second step study. I’m so grateful for all that God has done in me through Celebrate Recovery. As I began to dig deeper, I discovered that throughout my life I faithfully pulled the “surface weeds” of my flaws, but they kept resurfacing. I worked hard trying to maintain that perfect image & was determined to hide my imperfections from others, but the harder I tried, the more failed. In this study God began doing for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. He started pulling all the ugly weeds by their roots. I’m still a work in progress and have a long ways to go, but there is still hope – God isn’t through with me yet.

Just where I am

I gave my testimony tonight. Though I wasn’t as anxious as I have been in the past, it was very difficult to get through. First there were technical difficulties with microphones. UGHUG. Somehow I didn’t let that get to me and pushed through. But I broke down sharing about my sponsor and all that she did for me. I miss her so much. Her loss is still so heavy on my heart. I’m past the bitterness and anger, but I miss her and our special times together. I’m realizing that I need to fill the missing link in my support team, but I’m not sure that I’m ready. I think I’m intentionally procrastinating because I’m not wanting to let go or open a new chapter. Maybe I’m afraid of losing another sponsor. My first one left the ministry, and now this. I feel so weak. I wish that I was stronger, but then again, maybe my weakness is what keeps me humble and dependent on God. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I must rely on His strength.

Beauty For Ashes

It’s been 4 weeks since my last entry. On June 21 the fresh wound of my sponsor’s death, was ripped open again. Since then I have been avoiding my feelings by trying not feel anything. I have felt very disconnected. I have allowed deceptive thinking to pull me down and resentment to form. The past few weeks I have been going through the motions but hitting a road block in ALL areas in my life.

Yesterday, I shared my heart with my accountability team. I finally allowed myself to

I want to Live Like That

A couple of days ago an unexpected knock at the door caused the “old me” to momentarily sneak in. It was animal control. Evidentially the neighbors aren’t very happy with our barking dog. Immediately, I was defensive and was quick to make it know that there are several barking dogs in the area. I assured them that are dog is inside most of the time. The complaint was marked as no violation.

Throughout out the day I was annoyed. Why didn’t they attempt

I Refuse (Josh Wilson)

I woke up excited, ready for the Celebrate Recovery One day training in Dallas. The anticipation and excitement were overflowing. Then all of a sudden, the joy disappeared. How can one song trigger such deep emotion?

Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them. 

Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has

Why I Journal

I’m a bit high strung and always on the move. I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but sometime I try the same approach when it comes to spending time with Jesus. Journaling causes me to slow down and evaluate my day and get more in touch with my innermost thoughts. It allows me to see areas where I’m getting distracted. As I examine my day, it gives me valuable insight to the choices I made.

I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly.  I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose

"Who Am I" - Les Misérables

I’m moving forward on my recovery journey, but to be honest, I’m still having a bit of an identity crisis. For so long I put up barricades to protect myself. I hid behind my perfect image, isolating myself from others. I was afraid to let others see the real me. Today, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggles and let others in, but have a hard time knowing when to share and when it’s ok to keep quiet. 

I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.

When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.

I Dream A Dream - Les Misérables

Last night my husband and I watched Les Misérables. What an incredible story of courage, grace, and redemption! I’ve seen the musical and movie before, but this time it penetrated my heart in a deeper way. Now I have more of a firsthand understanding of the grace displayed. Only a year ago I was still struggling, like Javert. I was trapped in my own legalism unable to accept grace and forgiveness. Today, my life more relates to Jean Valjean, I have been transformed by grace and it overflows to those around me. I’m even learning to give myself more grace when I fall short. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes. 

“I dreamed a dream in time gone by, 
When hope was high and life worth living. 
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving. 
Then I was young and unafraid, 
And dreams were made and used and wasted. 
There was no ransom to be paid, 
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.” 

Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.

 “…the tigers come at night, 
With their voices soft as thunder, 
As they tear your hope apart, 
And they turn your dream to shame.” 

The Gift of Time

“Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” Rick Warren

Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I

going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.

Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.

I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!

Giving Grace to myself

I'm so much more laid back and accepting the fact that I will never be perfect. But when I have rough days like yesterday I get very agitated with myself. I feel like I shouldn't have those struggles. Ugh. I need to give myself more grace. Joyce Meyer paraphrased it like this “God doesn’t have a bad attitude toward you—and you shouldn’t have one toward yourself! (1 John 4:9-11)” 

 Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.

What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.

This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.

I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.

I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved

Daily Inventory & Journaling

Sometimes in life things catch you off guard and you find yourself totally unprepared to deal with it. That’s kind of where I am right now, feeling tired and beaten down. Honestly, I really don’t even feel like journaling today. I’m beginning to feel that I need to take a break from the business of life and just slow down for a bit.

I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.

Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?

Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.

I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.

Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9) 

Step 10: I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.  “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!: (1 Corinthians 10:12).