Sheltering Trees

As a child I remember being so scared of punishment. I would hide, lie, or anything I could to avoid consequences. At times I was convinced that my parents no longer loved me and that’s why they punished me. I didn’t realize that they were trying to protect me, to shelter me from learning lessons the hard way.

Unfortunately, I never grew out of that mindset. I approached drinking the same way. I lied, tried to hide it, and did everything possible to avoid consequences. My first instinct was to hide the alcohol and keep on pretending that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth came out I was terrified. The storm that erupted set me in a panic. After all, storms can be scary, dangerous, and even destructive.

Failed to See the Truth

For most of my life I was so busy trying to do life in my own strength that I forgot who I was in Christ. At times my self-righteous attitude was so proud of the good I was doing that I missed the fact that it was only by God’s grace that I accomplished anything and that it was for His glory, not mine. The harder I tried to live life in my power, the more miserable I became. I missed the mark, forgetting that it was only “through Christ, I [could] do all things (Philippians 4:13). I lost the strength to keep going and eventually hit rock bottom. At that point I was so focused on the greatness of my sins that I failed to see the greatness of my Savior. I forgot that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ” (Romans 8:11). I have wasted countless hours worrying about everything from money, to health, or the storms of life, overlooking the truth that “My God will supply all [my] needs according to His riches and glory” (Philippians 4:19). Not to mention the all-consuming fear that I carried around, even months into my recovery journey, dismissing the fact that “God hasn’t given [me] a spirit of fear, but power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have wasted too much time dismissing God’s truths. I know realize that my thoughts and words must be aligned with God’s word. I will move forward in victory for “Greater is He that is within me that he that is in the world” ( 1 John 4:4).

• Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 4: I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40

Adjusting My Sails

I wonder how Adam and Eve felt the moment they realized they were naked. How ashamed and broken they must have felt as they hid from God. I know that's how I felt when I entered recovery. Did they mourn all that was lost because of their sin? I mourned and mourned all the pain and disaster and loss that I caused my family. How did they adjust to life outside of garden?

That's the season I'm in now.  For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.

How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.

The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride.  It all began with a compliment.  I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle.  ????  It caught me off guard.  She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain.  In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment.  For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day.  Well that and a bottle of wine. 

Today I was speechless.  I cowered.  I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't.  Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride.   How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it?  I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see.  So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.



The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

It's so amazing how God puts in each of us a desire to know our Creator. And God promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him(Jeremiah 29:11). This week I came across a story that reminded me of some of the villages that I've visited. Many years ago, I had the privilege of sharing the gospel in India. Our message was a message of hope as we shared about the God that made the clay that they made their God's out of.

I want to share a story that my girls and I read during our school day this week.  We can't stop talking about it as it really touched our hearts.

The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

Chaluba watched with pleasure as the thin shavings of wood curled away from his knife. Surely this would be the best god he had ever made. He had been carving idols ever since he was old enough to hold a knife in his hand, but never before had he made one with such a fierce expression on its face. Chaluba smiled as he carved the thin lines for the eyes, the mouth, and the hands.

New Growth Takes Time

For most of my life I've tried to maintain a perfect image. I was obsessed with how others saw me, and feared they might view me with the same negativity that I viewed myself. I had many acquaintances, but let few people get to know me. I constantly felt the need to portray my "super mom" image. Even during my lowest points, I appeared to have it together and others were amazed at all that I was "able to accomplish".  But truth be told, I wasn't able to live up to my unrealistic expectations or the image longed to portray.

My recovery journey has been quite the opposite experience.  I threw away my church mask and am learning to be transparent. I allowed others to see the messiness and ugliness I created, and you know what, they have held my hand on this journey. I have developed true accountability and been blessed with the most amazing friendships.

Last night I was so blessed to hear an amazing Celebrate Recovery testimony. I was reminded that I have to deal with the roots of my issues.  Alcoholism was only a surface issue, I need to go deeper.  My fear to disappoint and insecurities have entangled me far longer than the wine.  I only turned alcohol to ease the stress and mask the pain.

Navigating through recovery is a long journey.  To continue moving forward, I must look at my past a bit more closely.   Just as I find victory in one area, God seems to peel back another layer that needs to be addressed. I've come so far, yet have a long ways to go.  Not that long ago, my life appeared ruined from the storm that surrounded me.  My branches were damaged and so much of my life was pruned away, even my ministry.   That part was painful.

Last night's testimony restored a new sense of hope.   The lady shared of how many lives that God allowed her to play a small role in the healing process.  I love how God takes our mess and turns it into a message to reach others.  He isn't finished with me.   I feel inspired knowing that God still has a plan for my life.  He is truly transforming me from the inside out and new growth is appearing. Even though I feel inadequate, I'm learning that my value comes from God and that He longs to use me to make a difference. The transformation is a slow process, but it's a beautiful sight to see vibrant growth, where so much damage has taken place.