Positive Changes

There are so many positive changes that have come from my recovery journey.  It began with restoration and the returning of the joy of my salvation.  The miracle came when I was finally able to forgive myself.  All of the guilt, fear, and shame were gone.

  So much of my life and ministry were pruned away. There was a season of grieving, a season of healing, and now I'm seeing the season of restoration and regrowth. The new growth has been beautiful, but it takes time for growth to occur.  My new life looks so different than the life I once had, the life I thought I wanted.  I feel so much stronger, just like scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. Along with new strength is a sense of peace, a peace I've never known.

I'm learning to turn things over to God and to truly let go.  I"m also learning that I don't have to hide behind my mask - that "perfect image" I've worked so hard to maintain.  Jesus was made perfect so that I don't have to be.

My life is no longer focused on me and is no longer defined by the mistakes I've made.  It's about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior, & how He was willing to do whatever it took to rescue me.

My God Box

As I continue this journey I keep maturing in my walk. I’ve come to the point where I’m truly ready to submit to any and all changes that God wants to make. I’m tired of playing God and

attempting to control my life. I find myself doing the same thing over and over as I go round and round obsessing over my life. I say that I’ve surrendered all to God, but I keep finding areas that I’m trying to hang on to. I’m ready to let go, but that is easier said than done. 

Today, I finally took my sponsor’s advice and made my own God Box. She has mentioned this many times but I wasn’t sure it was something I needed. I mean, I had already given it all to Him, or I thought I had. The problem is that I can’t seem to let go. 

My God Box is where I symbolically turn my fears and struggles over to God. By writing it down I’m saying that these areas are beyond my control. I realize that I need help; I need my Savior to take this one for me. Today I officially want to turn this worry or problem over to God. By faith, I’m taking a new step.

My first areas I’m turning over to God (again):

My need to control 
My self-image and how others see me 
My concerns and our struggles from choosing to be a single income family 
My inferiority complex and feelings of not being good enough 
My newest sponsee and my lack of confidence
My lack of leadership abilities
My relationship with my husband

·         Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “ Happy are hose whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.”

·         Step 6:  I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will life you up." (James 4:10)

More Like You

While sharing my inventory, my sponsor shared a quote that has echoed in my mind over and over. The more I ponder it the more it’s shaping my prayer life. I’ve done a little research on

Michelangelo’s famous quote on David. The marble of David was very old, and even of a poorer quality than most pieces used by artist. It had been worked on by 2 other sculptors, both walked away from the unusable piece of marble. That amazes me. How was such a masterpiece sculpted from what appeared to be inferior? When asked how he created David, Michelangelo replied: “I simply took away what wasn't David". How profound, yet simple. He just chiseled away what wasn’t needed. 

I Need You!

I finally completed my fifth step last night. What a relief to have that behind me. My sponsor shared great insight into one major life pattern that seems to keep setting me back. As a child I was taught to be independent and take care of myself. Throughout my life, I have a pattern of setting myself of for failure, while trying to achieve high expectations. Everything in my life has taught me to rely on myself. When I fail, I try harder; I try to fix things. But I wasn’t designed to rely on my strength. Self-reliance fails every time.

It seems with each step God slowly peels back another layer of my life. Unfortunately each layer has new areas that need to be exposed to His light, and with each layer there seems to be a new layer of denial to address. I’m getting really tired of this denial topic. Will it ever be a thing of the past?

In addition to still trying to run things in my own power, I have underlying fears that are holding me back. I fear not being in control. I fear having too much control. I fear not being taken care of and lack of security. I fear not being good enough, failing, and unworthiness.  This constant struggle of relying on self all stems from me not trusting God wholeheartedly. When I have these feelings, in a sense, I’m saying that Christ wasn’t good enough.  He was made perfect so that I don't have to be.  I need to truly turn my life over to His control.

I’m realizing that I still have lots of character defects that need His attention. They have deep roots. All this time I have been faithfully pulling the “weeds” in my life. I have worked so hard trying to maintain that perfect image. As each issue resurfaces I deal with it, I find a way to make it go away. But each time, they resurface. My self-reliance has failed me, but God is ready to do for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. I have finally reached a point where I am ready to let God pull all the ugly weeds by their roots.

 During my first step study I honestly thought that it was all downhill at this point. I was so wrong. Step 6 is the step that separates the women from the girls. This is where I “voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.” I’ve been trying to run things my way for so long that this step seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m so ready to take this step.

Father God, I'm desperate for you.  I'm reaching out.  I need you now.

If We Ever Needed You - Casting Crowns

 Hear our cry, Lord, we pray

Our faces down, our hands are raised

You called us out, we turned away

We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise

We do what is right in our own eyes

Our children now will pay the price

We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength

With all our minds, we're at Your feet

May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives

Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

We're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, reaching out

We need You now

Revive us now

We need You now

Digging Deeper

I’m working through my inventory again. UGHUG. Why is this one so much more difficult than my first one??? My first inventory was more painful and so much longer, but it just poured out.

This time, I feel like I’m digging and digging and not sure why.

Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mountain out of molehill on the affects portion. I’m trying to understand my fears. I honestly didn’t realize I had so many. How is it that I’m still relying on my strength and not trusting God?

Today I’m confessing my fears to the Lord. I don’t want to be in bondage any more. I don’t want anything to hold me back. God is calling me to dig deeper. I want to be set free. “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

·         Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8)

·         Step 4: I Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Help me Find It

Help me find your will.  I’m so confused.  Last night I began addressing my inventory with my sponsor.   I had a few questions on how to word things to her liking, but for the most part it was complete.  I was surprised that she seemed concerned about my fear inventory.   I really don’t have fears.  I struggle with the fear of man – of how other see, but that’s pretty much it.   Well she seemed pretty convinced that I needed

to address my fears.

Honestly, I am a bit annoyed and frustrated.  We spent almost 2 hours rewording parts of my inventory and addressing fears that I’m not sure I have.  So here I am today trying to figure this out. Was she suggesting that I don’t trust God?  Do I really have fears?  Immediately I felt defensive.  I began to question and justify.

Is fear a sin?  I know that living in fear is bondage, but are some fears healthy? Isn't it the cause-effect relationship of fear that causes us to use discernment to avoid danger?  As my family was hiking along a cliff I was fearful of one of my daughters falling. I held them tighter, to protect them. When faced with a life-threatening situation, fear motivates me to get out of there.   It seems to be a God given instinct.

How about our conscious!  Sometimes God uses fear to get my attention when I’m heading down the wrong path. I believe that fear becomes a sin when it affects me in a way that keeps me from trusting God. When fear controls us and paralyzes us it becomes a bondage that hinders our faith.  After all fear is the opposite of faith.  Everything that does not come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23).That’s where the problem begins.  So often I take my eyes off my Savior and begin trusting in my own strength.