Sheltering Trees

As a child I remember being so scared of punishment. I would hide, lie, or anything I could to avoid consequences. At times I was convinced that my parents no longer loved me and that’s why they punished me. I didn’t realize that they were trying to protect me, to shelter me from learning lessons the hard way.

Unfortunately, I never grew out of that mindset. I approached drinking the same way. I lied, tried to hide it, and did everything possible to avoid consequences. My first instinct was to hide the alcohol and keep on pretending that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth came out I was terrified. The storm that erupted set me in a panic. After all, storms can be scary, dangerous, and even destructive.

Failed to See the Truth

For most of my life I was so busy trying to do life in my own strength that I forgot who I was in Christ. At times my self-righteous attitude was so proud of the good I was doing that I missed the fact that it was only by God’s grace that I accomplished anything and that it was for His glory, not mine. The harder I tried to live life in my power, the more miserable I became. I missed the mark, forgetting that it was only “through Christ, I [could] do all things (Philippians 4:13). I lost the strength to keep going and eventually hit rock bottom. At that point I was so focused on the greatness of my sins that I failed to see the greatness of my Savior. I forgot that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ” (Romans 8:11). I have wasted countless hours worrying about everything from money, to health, or the storms of life, overlooking the truth that “My God will supply all [my] needs according to His riches and glory” (Philippians 4:19). Not to mention the all-consuming fear that I carried around, even months into my recovery journey, dismissing the fact that “God hasn’t given [me] a spirit of fear, but power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have wasted too much time dismissing God’s truths. I know realize that my thoughts and words must be aligned with God’s word. I will move forward in victory for “Greater is He that is within me that he that is in the world” ( 1 John 4:4).

• Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 4: I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40

Adjusting My Sails

I wonder how Adam and Eve felt the moment they realized they were naked. How ashamed and broken they must have felt as they hid from God. I know that's how I felt when I entered recovery. Did they mourn all that was lost because of their sin? I mourned and mourned all the pain and disaster and loss that I caused my family. How did they adjust to life outside of garden?

That's the season I'm in now.  For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.

How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.

The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride.  It all began with a compliment.  I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle.  ????  It caught me off guard.  She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain.  In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment.  For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day.  Well that and a bottle of wine. 

Today I was speechless.  I cowered.  I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't.  Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride.   How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it?  I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see.  So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.



The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

It's so amazing how God puts in each of us a desire to know our Creator. And God promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him(Jeremiah 29:11). This week I came across a story that reminded me of some of the villages that I've visited. Many years ago, I had the privilege of sharing the gospel in India. Our message was a message of hope as we shared about the God that made the clay that they made their God's out of.

I want to share a story that my girls and I read during our school day this week.  We can't stop talking about it as it really touched our hearts.

The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

Chaluba watched with pleasure as the thin shavings of wood curled away from his knife. Surely this would be the best god he had ever made. He had been carving idols ever since he was old enough to hold a knife in his hand, but never before had he made one with such a fierce expression on its face. Chaluba smiled as he carved the thin lines for the eyes, the mouth, and the hands.

New Growth Takes Time

For most of my life I've tried to maintain a perfect image. I was obsessed with how others saw me, and feared they might view me with the same negativity that I viewed myself. I had many acquaintances, but let few people get to know me. I constantly felt the need to portray my "super mom" image. Even during my lowest points, I appeared to have it together and others were amazed at all that I was "able to accomplish".  But truth be told, I wasn't able to live up to my unrealistic expectations or the image longed to portray.

My recovery journey has been quite the opposite experience.  I threw away my church mask and am learning to be transparent. I allowed others to see the messiness and ugliness I created, and you know what, they have held my hand on this journey. I have developed true accountability and been blessed with the most amazing friendships.

Last night I was so blessed to hear an amazing Celebrate Recovery testimony. I was reminded that I have to deal with the roots of my issues.  Alcoholism was only a surface issue, I need to go deeper.  My fear to disappoint and insecurities have entangled me far longer than the wine.  I only turned alcohol to ease the stress and mask the pain.

Navigating through recovery is a long journey.  To continue moving forward, I must look at my past a bit more closely.   Just as I find victory in one area, God seems to peel back another layer that needs to be addressed. I've come so far, yet have a long ways to go.  Not that long ago, my life appeared ruined from the storm that surrounded me.  My branches were damaged and so much of my life was pruned away, even my ministry.   That part was painful.

Last night's testimony restored a new sense of hope.   The lady shared of how many lives that God allowed her to play a small role in the healing process.  I love how God takes our mess and turns it into a message to reach others.  He isn't finished with me.   I feel inspired knowing that God still has a plan for my life.  He is truly transforming me from the inside out and new growth is appearing. Even though I feel inadequate, I'm learning that my value comes from God and that He longs to use me to make a difference. The transformation is a slow process, but it's a beautiful sight to see vibrant growth, where so much damage has taken place. 

Setting Boundaries

At times I get so caught up in all that I have to do that my "to do list" becomes my guide. I resort to an "auto pilot" state, one where I wasted many years, just coasting through life. Another pattern that I'm seeing is a life of codependency. I've spent too many hours thinking how can I make someone else's life better. In a sense I want to fix everyone, but in reality, the only person that I can change is myself.

This morning's devotional reading really hit home. It was about Moses, a man that I consider to be a great leader. I really relate to his "excuses" about not wanting to lead, especially the part about being a poor public speaker. But in mind, I always picture him a great leader, often over looking how he developed into a leader. What I realized this morning was that even Moses had a "sponsor" that challenged him to grow and encouraged him along the journey.

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” (Exodus 18:17-20)

What great advice. If it worked for Moses, I bet it will work for me too. So often I want to take on everything and everyone's problems, but I'm learning that setting boundaries is essential in leadership. The past few weeks, I began to question a boundary that my co-leader and I set about not sponsoring anyone in the CR step study we are leading. Amazingly, all 16 ladies have found a sponsor and they didn't need us to fulfill that role.    

I have found that if I want to make an impact, it's more important that I stay connected to God in prayer and meditation, than service. Yes, service is important, but when I allow my service for God, to come before my devotion to Him, I grow weary, empty, and depressed. Even Jesus took time to recharge by spending time alone and praying. For so long I thought I was selfish for wanting my time, but I now realize that I'm happier, healithier, and even a better mommy when I take this time.  It gives me rest and better insight on how to handle llife and all the issues that come with it.

You Are My Strength

Yesterday I started to get overwhelmed with all that I was doing. There were so many situations and people that needed prayer or a listening ear. Then I started getting stressed at how far we are having to back track as we return to our homeschooling venture.

The thing is, I was trying to do in my own strength. Once again I was trying to control or fix things. I must stop trying to play God and not allow my life to become unmanageable again. I have learned that the harder I try, the more I struggle. I cannot do this on my own. I realize that I have limitations and imperfections. I must continually set aside my pride and daily surrender to God and seek His leading. I’ve tried to do life in my own strength and I really made a mess of things.

In Better Hands Now

I gave my life to Jesus at an early age. Though I had confessed Him as Lord, and believed in my heart that He died for my sins,it wasn’t until recently that I’ve started surrendering my will to Him. This is something that I have to do constantly, sometimes multiple times a day.

At times, this is still a struggle. I'm use to living my life on auto-pilot, just cruising through life. I haven't been intentional about seeking his guidance and help throughout the day.  As a result, I have missed out of so many of His gifts, His power. My willingness to turn things over is getting easier, since I've realized that my will power isn’t enough. I have tried to do things my way, and in my power, but my will power is nonexistent. Even though I attempt to control my actions (and those of other people), my control is only an optical illusion.

I just need to let go and quit trying to get in the way.So often I go to God & give him my cares and burdens. Then a short time later I discover that I’m still carrying it around. I also realize that my flesh is so weak and often gets in the way. Why am I still crawling around like a babe in Christ. It’s time to grow up in my salvation.

The Verdict - Not guilty

I'll be honest. I was so ashamed of the mistakes I made that it took months for me to accept God's forgiveness. I kept carrying around the guilt and shame.  Day after day I kept asking God to forgive me, but the thing is, he already had. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I realized that God was faithful, even when I wasn't (2 Timothy 2:13).  No mater what mistakes I've made, His grace is abundant.  I am no longer held  captive by the guilt.  By the blood of Jesus, I have been declared not guilty, and this not guilty verdict is for all of the sins, even the ones committed after salvation.  I've been fully acquitted and have a spotless record in the eyes of my savior.  

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1 

Turning Point(Step 3)

Relying on my own understanding led me down the wrong path.   For so long I believed in my abilities and thougth too highly of myself.  I tried to handle things and resolve problems in my own power.  I grew faint and as the business of life crept in,  I was caught off guard.   I had allowed my priorities to get out of order and my relationship with God fizzled.

As life got unmanageable, I isolated from others, believing that I had to keep up with all the work that I was doing.  Another area that got in me in trouble was taking things to God and pleading with Him to guide me, only to get impatient and try to figure it by myself.   On my own, I grew weary, depressed, and turned to other things to mask my pain. 

Eventually, I hit rock bottom.   I found myself at a point that I knew I had to turn back.   It wasn’t until I was hanging on by my last thread, that I lost my strength to hang on.  The moment I let go and quit trying to save myself, I realized that the arms that hold the universe were holding me & will never let me go. 

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1

Unrealistic Expectations

I’m beginning to realize that most of my expectations have been unrealistic.  Before coming to Celebrate recovery, I was overcommitted and thought that I could accomplish everything on my own.   I believed that I was strong enough to handle it all.  I didn’t reach out to others, for I had to maintain my perfect image.  I just pushed on to accomplish more.  When I failed to meet my unrealistic expectations, I grew depressed & tired.   I tried to control my children, my husband, and my environment.  If they would just do it my way, things would work out.  This left me exhausted.

As a spoiled only child, I’ve always expected those around me (my husband and dad) to cater to my desires.  As the economy fell, I pushed my husband to try harder to find a way to provide for our family in the manor we had grown accustomed to.  In the end I felt disappointed and unfulfilled, more unrealistic expectations.  I also expected my friends and family to be there, even though I failed to reach out and be transparent with them. All of these unrealistic expectations have left me feeling hurt, empty, with a low self-esteem.

 Even now, I still struggle with expecting my children to conform to a certain image.  I try to control their attitude sand behaviors.   I need help in find that balance between being a parent and letting them be children.   I need to step back and quit trying to control everything about my life.  I need to trust that my heavenly daddy can do a much better job that I’m capable of attempting on my own.  I need to learn how to commit all of my life and will to His care & control.  

I’m ready to quit trying to control everyone & everything.  I want to trust God & follow His lead.  I’m also ready to see myself in His eyes.  I’m so tired of replaying the negative thoughts & worrying about how others will perceive me.  I recently heard a quote of Ethel Barrett that kind of hit home, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.”

Trusting my Emotions

In the past, trusting only in my feelings and emotions got me into trouble; it led me in the wrong directions. In the past my husband and I followed our emotions and desires as we chased after the next big thing.  We made some poor financial decisions as a result. All the while, we justified our choices.  Proverbs 16:2 tells us that all the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but God knows the motives.  Though we justified our actions, God knew our hearts. 

 I based how I thought I should look, on those around me. I became obsessed with losing weight.  I felt that I wasn’t harming myself or others, so I justified my eating disorder.  I also overcommitted myself.  For some reason I felt that I had to handle the added responsibilities on my own,    but the added stress seemed more than I could handle.   I felt that I deserved a drink to help me wind down and ease the stress.  Trusting in my emotions led me into depression. I tried to drown my feelings of depression with wine, but in the end I was exhausted, depressed, and bitter towards that closet to me.  As a result of following my emotions, I have lost and missed out some of the amazing blessings that God had in store.

Insanity

Insanity has been defined as “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.  Though I was doing the same thing over and over (turning to wide to mask my pain) I don’t think I was truly expecting different results.  Even today, I keep falling into old patterns of trying to control those around me, or focusing on myself rather than God.  I surrender all to God.  I give him my worries, my needs, my desires, but never fully let go long enough for Him to accomplish His Will.   I pray not my will but His will, then I try to control and fix things in my power. 

How do I get off track and end up doing the same things again.  It always begins with a shift of focus.  I take my eyes off of my “higher power” and start looking to self.  This self-centeredness ALWAYS leads me astray. Sometimes, I start thinking about good things, wwhether it be my recovery, my testimony, my life, I talk about what I’ve done, when in reality its only by his grace and mercy that I’m alive.  When I recognize this, I immediately confess and lay aside my arrogance, only to end up at the opposite extreme of feeling unworthy and not good enough.   It’s during these low points that I get distracted & begin to live in fear and doubt. 

 

So how do I leave the insanity behind?  I start thinking about God, not me. I truly put Him first and learn to rely on Him for everything.  

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exist, that I matter to Him, and the He has the power to help me recover."Happy are those who Mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: : I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)

How Great is Our God ( Step 2)

I believe that there is one true God, the creator of the universe & all that is. He is the beginning and the end. He sent His only son, Jesus, to pay my ransom, a debt that I couldn’t pay.

God is all knowing, yet at times I try to hide from him. He is faithful, even when I’m not. He remains the same. He is awesome in power and strength, even when I’m weak. He is my protector and provider. He is loving, with an unconditional love. He is jealous for me and desires a personal relationship with me. He is forgiving and truly able to wash my sins as white snow. He is compassionate, just as a father has compassion towards his child. He is holy, blameless, & just. There is no one like Him; He is the name above all names. He is perfection, everything I’m not. My God is for me and on my side. He is the only reason life is worth living.

Hope Now (Step 2)

As my life was spiraling out of control, I had let go of hope.  I had accepted that the business and stress were a season of life that must be endured.  Rather than turn to hope, I tried to control my environment and those around me to the best of my ability.  When I fell short of my expectations I grew depressed, tired, & lonely, I turned to alcohol, not for hope, but to temporarily mask the pain. I also turned to my eating disorder for a quick fix, but failed to explore the root issues that caused me to over eat in the first place.

How do you Feel? Close to God or separated

I know that I matter to God & that He is the only one that has the power to help me recover (Principle 2), but there are times that I don’t feel close to God. I’m so thankful that my relationship with Him isn’t based on emotions or feelings.  One thing remains as His love never  gives up on me. Emmanuel which  means “God with us,” assures me that He is always there. I must learn to walk by faith and not by sight or circumstance. 

My Own Little World

Tonight I shared my testimony again. It never ceases to amaze me at what part God uses to speak life into someone else, or even myself. The tears started flowing before it was my turn to speak.

Inviting your non CR friends makes for a new experience, but begins the next stage of the restoration process.   I’m truly beginning to realize when you invite someone into the messiness of your life; they will hold your hand on the journey.

I’m also beginning to realize that “there is a bigger picture” to my recovery journey. God is starting to show me that my purpose stretches beyond the walls of my church, of my comfort zone.

Though it’s getting easier, I’m still reluctant to share. I've heard it said that it’s easier to share the story when you know the ending. I guess I'm leaning a deeper faith and reliance on God as this chapter remains open.

Loneliness is a Choice (Step 1)

I believe that loneliness is a choice. There have been times that I’ve felt lonely, even though I was surrounded by a crowd of people.

I believe that loneliness is a result of multiple choices. When I reminisce on the months preceding my lowest point there were several choices that led to my depression. Some of the isolation was intentional but some was caused by circumstances beyond my control. I failed to take time for myself, and was running on empty. I thought I was being selfish when I wanted a break. I denied my pain, made excuses, placed blame, and tried to rationalize my feelings. All of these were choices that I made that led me deeper into a state of depression and denial.

Today, I still struggle with feelings that I’m the only one going through this and worry how others will react. This too, causes a mental isolation from those around me. I realize that loneliness is a mindset, and I must be intentional about renewing my mind and abstaining from this self-inflicted pain.

• Principle 1: Realize I'm not God. I admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong things and that my life is unmanageable. "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." ( Matthew 5:3
• Step 1: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and compulsive behavior, that my life had become unmanageable. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to what is good. but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18

Resentments

In the past I have held on to resentments. I allowed them to take root and affect my life. I gave the other person power as I wasted hours thinking about them and how I felt wronged. I allowed the negative feelings to rob joy from my life and leave me feeling depressed. It created a sense of uneasiness, every time I was around the person.

One of the most difficult relationships has been with my mom. I never had a good relationship with her in the past, and really didn’t desire a relationship with her. Though CR, I’ve been able to work through those resentments and have forgiven her from past hurts. I also had to ask for forgiveness. With forgiveness there is freedom to move forward and leave the past in the past

One thing that really helped, was when my sponsor told me to consider the people who wronged me as sick people – just like me. Then she suggested that I show them the same tolerance I would show a sick friend. That helped me make sense of my feelings, but I was overwhelmed as we continued to work the resentment inventory. She asked me how I had been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and all the things that angered me in others. I realized that I was guilty of the same things. I realized that the name, at the top of my resentment list, should be my own. for  

Powerless (Step 1)

I felt powerless & guilty for not being able to handle everything on my own, but I failed to reach out. I felt pwoerless when I couldn’t live up to my unrealistic expectations, so I tried even harder.  I felt guilty when I felt depressed, so I turned to alcohol to mask the pain.  I felt that I should be able to accomplish more.   I tried to control my life to the best of my ability.  Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. I failed miserably.  As hard as I tried, I wasn’t able to do fix things in my own strength.  But the thing is, God never intended for me to do life alone. 

There are things in my past that I’m not proud of, but I’ve learned many valuable lessons. Typically, I keep moving forward.  But this season isn’t passing by as quickly as I would like, so I still have a few “what-if’s” that like to distract me.   If only we hadn’t been so foolish and selfish with our money.  If only I hadn’t started drinking.  If only I would have reached out for help.  If only I hadn’t isolated myself.