That's What Friends Are For

Today I celebrate my accountability partner, my friend, and her recovery journey.  Tomorrow is her 1 year sobriety anniversary. What an incredible accomplishment!  The milestones associated with overcoming an addiction should be celebrated.   That’s another 365 (366 in this case) days of living one day at a time. 

Father God, I thank you so much for bringing me the most amazing accountability partner, amazing friend that one could have.  

Though she is ahead of me on this journey, you had her waiting… just for me. I prayed for the kind of accountability that I thought I needed.  But once again, you knew the big picture.  Thank you for not giving me what I asked for, but everything that I hoped for. 

Continue to be her strength as she remains true to her recovery.  Use “Rochelle” for greatness, as she shares her story, a story that so many can relate to.

Victory

In my Celebrate Recovery step study I tackled the steps to overcome my abuse of alcohol & diet pills and an eating disorder.   During this time, God gave has given me a new life in Christ and delivered me from my addictions.  I have been transformed from the inside out.  I am a new woman.  

The first 7 months of my sobriety journey, were a period of mourning, mourning all that had been lost as a result of my addictions.     When I stepped out of denial,   my life was disorganized and all over the place.   It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table.   It was kind of overwhelming.  At first my fears were so great; I couldn’t make much sense of it all.  I was randomly putting pieces together.   God was sitting next to me, comforting me.  At times He would reach over and help me put part of the puzzle together.  I just couldn’t do it on my own, I needed my Savior.  I couldn’t quite see the big picture.

My God given sponsor – the Exact Sponsor that I Needed

Yesterday’s entry conveyed, “The very moment that I became open and started seeking His heart, the words just started flowing.  I couldn’t stop them.”   That is so true this morning.   I started off with my thoughts on what journaling means to me, which led me to wonder how God might use me & my journey to help others.   I prayed for guidance on what direction to give back. I even e-mailed my pastor discussing this very issue.  Then, my sponsor came to mind.

Independence Day

Today we celebrate our country’s birthday, our independence day.  What does this mean to you?   For me, birthdays are a way to celebrate life, new beginnings.   I wonder if the 56 men that signed the signed the Declaration of Independence realized the magnitude of greatness that was taking place. 

Sadly, I think many of us get focused on our own independence.   Rarely do we reach out to others.   We fall into the pit of isolation and even self righteousness.  We even try to be our own Savior.  Of course, we never say this aloud.

Step 11: Touch of the Master's Hand

Last summer, my Gracie made a clay pot.   It was her first time to use a pottery wheel, so the whole process was a bit humorous.  She would get the pot almost perfect and then it would cave in. I'm not sure how many times this happened, but she kept working at it until it was finished, until it looked like she wanted it to look.

As I hold her pot in my hands, I keep thinking of me as the clay and God as the potter.  "Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand" (Isaiah 64:8). I have fallen apart many times, and yet he keeps remaking me.   Each time, I’m becoming a little more like He wants, as He continues to mold me into the woman I was created to be.

As Iron Sharpens Iron

Yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't prepared for this sudden storm in my life. What began as a refreshing splash of water, turned into a torrential downpour. Not only was I caught without an umbrella, I had no disaster plan in place. It is essential that one knows how to remain safe and find shelter during a storm.

In recovery,we discussed how insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. As a consequence of not being prepared for storms & temptations, I have fallen numerous times. The thing is, I’ve never had a disaster plan in place. I’ve set boundaries and put preventative measures in position. These are essential, but still fall short. I need more. I cannot stop all storms from coming my way;  I need to be able to endure the storms.

Singing in the Rain

 

"Gracie"(8) & "Cinderella"(5)

Watching my daughters play in the rain today, reminded me that I too can find joy in the current storm in my life. This storm came on so quickly, and I wasn't prepared. I got caught without an umbrella and I'm drenched.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. (Psalm 5:11)  I'm so thankful that I can take refuge in Him for He "is [my] refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.(Psalm 46:1).  This storm has really opened my eyes and made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. I'm learning to be thankful for everything... even this storm.  

Mercy Me- Hold Fast- Recovery Video

Hold Fast (Mercy Me)

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Step 10: Cross Roads: This is Where the Healing Begins

Day 214:

Dear God,  Search me, O God,know my heart, test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad & lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalm 139:23-24)

How I long to be right with you, to be made whole. So many times in my life I get sidetracked by the things of this world. I often waste more time chasing after desires or trying to find a way to accomplish things that don't really matter in the big picture.   Meanwhile I fail to spend quality time with you. As a result the intimacy & passion I once had, has faded. Even now procrastination creeps in. I'm at the crossroads of my recovery and the time has come to begin a daily journal inventory. Over the past few days, I have sat down to start this process numerous times, but I'm hesitant to begin.

Part of me is afraid that this will be another journal that I start, but fail to continue. I see this pattern in my life. My passion grows and I truly begin to mature in my walk. I step out in faith and am used by you to make a difference. I'm on the path and moving in the right direction, but then.... I get distracted. It's always a gradual process. I'm so busy running the race, that I don't realize the path is getting bumpy. And then, before I realize what happens.... I've fallen. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:120.) I am broken within,   Let your light shine on all the darkness in my life. Your grace is sufficient for even me and your power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthains 12:9).

The Gift of a Friend

Day 212: God is so faithful.   In 1997 I met my best friend.   It was a praise & worship gathering at Texas A&M.  Worship had started.   For some reason (possibly the Holy Spirit) I deiced to move during the service.  I ended up next to her.   Our friendship was instantaneous.   

I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a true friend like her.  She loves me, despite my shortcomings.  We've laughed uncontrollably, cried hysterically, and have been there when life through some major curve balls.  

Last week I shared a resentment that I had been carrying for a few months.   Parts of my recovery, or what brought me to recovery are still very painful to talk about.  I felt betrayed.  Honestly, the situation wasn't as big as it seemed, but it hurt. 

Making Amends: I love you Anyway

Day 189: Making amends is something that I have done for my recovery. This is so much more than an apology. It’s restoration. As I let go of my past hurts and guilt, I’m able to find true freedom. For the firs time, I can truly let go & let God have control of my life and my will. Only now can He restore me, my broken relationship, my broken dreams.

Before I was able to accomplish this, I had to let go of my expectations. I can only control my actions and take responsibility for my mistakes. I have no control how my amends is received. In some cases restoration might not take place. All I can do is humbly offer my amends. If someone chooses to hold a grudge or not to forgive, that is now their baggage to carry. I am now free. I don’t have to keep dragging around the heavy burdens associated with guilt and shame.

Step 7: Have Mercy on Me.

DAY 182:  6 Month Birthday

My Prayer Today:  I know that you are able to change me from the inside out.  Thank you for being patient with me as I attempt to surrender all areas that you are revealing to me.

“Offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to his service and pleasing to him… Let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.” (Romans 12:1-2, GNB)

To celebrate my 6 month sobriety birthday, I read my inventory to my sponsor.   In a sense it was freeing, but I also discovered I have lots more to work on.  My addictions & eating disorder are no longer present, but the deeper issues that led to those problems, are still very active.  I'm so thankful that God has helped me overcome my addictions.  I don't deserve the grace that he has freely given. 

Step 6: Whatever Your Doing (Something Heavenly)

Day 175: I'm learning to live one day at time.  For today, I choose to be positive, to see the good, and start a new.   For today, I will let God use me and enjoy what he has in store.  He is longing to change me from the inside out.  He is a gentleman and waits patiently for me to surrender each area.

Step 5: Prayer of Restoration

Today I met with one of the pastors in my church.  I shared my life story and how I ended up on the broken road.  I described the storm that surrounds me, a result of my addictions  

There was freedom in sharing.  My pastor prayed for complete restoration over me, my marriage, my relationships, my dreams, my desires, & my calling.  WOW.  I feel so much better.  I feel accepted, even though I failed.  I’m finally starting to forgive myself.    I’m so thankful for a pastor that cares and a church, where no perfect people are allowed.  

• Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 5:  We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."(Jams 5:16)

Step 5: Who I am Hates Who I've Been

Day 161: There is nothing that I can do to take back the things that I have done, but I can be forgiven.   For some reason I struggle with this. I can forgive others, but how do I truly forgive myself?  I'm trying to let go of the worries, and let God make the best of the mess I created,  but the devil is right there.   He is constantly reminding me of my mistakes, my failures.   He wants me to believe that I'm doomed to fail; he doesn't want me to get back up.  When I listen to his lies, it takes my heart back to "the saddest state it's ever been" and that's "no place to try and live my life

Step 4: You are More

Day: 147

As I look back at my past, I'm ashamed at how many times I've fallen. "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:18). I'm overwhelmed with guilt.  I blame myself for trying to do life on my own.  I blame myself for not getting help, when I had too much on my plate.  I blame myself for turning to alcohol to ease the stress, pain, & depression.  This list goes on. But the truth of the matter, I am not defined by these mistakes and choices.  John Paul II said, “We are not made from the sum of our weakness…we are the sum of the Father’s love for us. "  Though I may have to pay consequences, I am "more than the sum of past mistakes."

He welcomed back this prodigal with love.  It’s hard to imagine that no matter what I’ve done, He will never love me any less. "I've been remade." There is hope, because Jesus Christ has paid my price.  Today I am free.   I am not struggling to be free, I am free. With this freedom,  I’m still free to struggle.   

• Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 4:  I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40)

You are More (Tenth Avenue North)

 

Finding a Sponsor

Day 98: I really didn’t think that I would find someone that I trusted enough to be my sponsor. This is a delicate, complicated time in my life, and confidentiality is essential.  I need someone that will listen & encourage me, yet confront me, if needed; Someone that shares my alcohol addiction and understands the road I traveled;   Someone that will be transparent, as they share their journey to recovery.

What a relief.  When I called my sponsor, to ask her to be my sponsor, she acted as if she had been waiting for my call. 

•  Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 4: I Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40) 
• Step 5: I Admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)

Step 3: Taking Action & Getting Rid of Baggage

Day 77: I am truly broken and trying to surrender all to God.  I feel so empty. The truth is, I have been on autopilot for so long, that I haven't accessed his power in awhile.  Even through this drought I have seen God's supernatural hand of protection and provision.   Still I keep carrying this baggage.   I turn it over to Him and then take it right back.   The guilt is the worst part.  It is so heavy.  "What is wrong with me?  How did I get here?  You carry something long enough, it feels like apart of you"  I have been focusing on the greatness of my sin for so long, that is difficult to see the greatness of my Savior.  My flesh is so weak.   Why am I still crawling and falling like a babe in Christ?  It's time to grow up in my salvation.  It's time to take action and "let go of this heavy baggage."

Prayer of an addict - Turning your life over to Jesus.

Day 70: We recently moved, and along with any moves comes added stress.   I realize that I have lost my ability to cope with stress on my own.   For years, I was able to keep up and juggle way more than most.  But 2011 brought on way more than I could handle.  Thus began the vicious "I just need a glass of wine to relax" cycle.

What if - Nichole Nordeman

What if you jump

Just close your eyes

What if the arms that catch you

Catch you by surprise

What if He's more

Than enough what if it's love