Dear God, Search me, O God,know my heart, test my thoughts. Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad & lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalm 139:23-24)
How I long to be right with you, to be made whole. So many times in my life I get sidetracked by the things of this world. I often waste more time chasing after desires or trying to find a way to accomplish things that don't really matter in the big picture. Meanwhile I fail to spend quality time with you. As a result the intimacy & passion I once had, has faded. Even now procrastination creeps in. I'm at the crossroads of my recovery and the time has come to begin a daily journal inventory. Over the past few days, I have sat down to start this process numerous times, but I'm hesitant to begin.
Part of me is afraid that this will be another journal that I start, but fail to continue. I see this pattern in my life. My passion grows and I truly begin to mature in my walk. I step out in faith and am used by you to make a difference. I'm on the path and moving in the right direction, but then.... I get distracted. It's always a gradual process. I'm so busy running the race, that I don't realize the path is getting bumpy. And then, before I realize what happens.... I've fallen. "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:120.) I am broken within, Let your light shine on all the darkness in my life. Your grace is sufficient for even me and your power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthains 12:9).
Love, Me
There have been many seasons where I got sidetracked by things of the world: "The worries of life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and make [me] unfruitful (Luke 4:19)." But this time it was different. Sure, the worries of life were abundantly present, as I had taken on too many responsibilities, but this time I was determined to finish what God had called me to do. I didn't take this calling lightly. For this was a dream that God had placed in my heart when I was only 18.
As I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was an abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. For years, my friends told me that they didn't know how I was able to accomplish so much. Some even referred to me as "Super Mom." If I hinted that I was tired, I was always reassured of how amazing I was. This temporary boost in confidence, gave me a slight renewal to keep pushing along. The thing is, I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. Somehow I got lost along the way.
Those first drinks were like a splash of cold water in the face, on a Texas summer day. It was so peaceful, my temporary respite. But gradually, that refreshing splash of cold water developed into a downpour. Before I realized it, I was in over my head. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, the vineyards that are in full bloom. (Song of songs 2:15)." I have always been one to set boundaries so that I don't fall into temptation during my weakest moments. But just as small foxes are able to crawl under the vineyard fence, so innocently my abuse of alcohol began.
How quickly a little fox will grow into something fatal. I just needed a drink to relax, to ease the stress, and to help me sleep. After all, a little red wine is good for you. Yes, I was in denial as I was trying to justify a growing problem. I'm not sure at what point my drinking crossed over from social drinker to almost daily, or at what point 1 drink became 2 and then 3, but it happened in 2011. I now realize that stress was my major trigger, that pushed me beyond my limits. I have learned healthier coping methods to overcome stress. But most importantly I'm learning not to try to live on my own. Somewhere along the broken road, I began to isolate myself from others. I built walls to hide my depression, my worries, and alcohol usage. This isolation caused a void that led me deeper into to depression, as I grew disconnected from God, others, and even myself. I was afraid to let my secrets out. I'm not sure why I have been scared to share my struggles with others. I guess that I was trying to pretend that I had it together. I was afraid of exposing my sin, for when other people see my failures (my abuse of alcohol, diet pills, and an eating disorder), I'm no longer able to hide from my issues. "Confess you sins one to another and pray for each other that you may be healed "James 1:5"
Today I'm in awe of how far I've come. Only 7 Months ago I had was in the deepest pit. I had lost all hope and felt that I had nothing left to give. I had let God down. But who am I to think I was holding God up. It was only when I took my eyes off him and tried to do life on my own, that I began to feel out of touch with God. Just like Peter, I started to sink during the storms of life. Though I fell hard, I got back up and am walking down the road of recovery.
- Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9)
- Step 10: I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it. “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!: (1 Corinthians 10:12).
This is Where the Healing Begins(Tenth Avenue North)
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
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