I’ve known God since I was a child, or I thought I did. I have lots of Biblical knowledge, but I’m not sure I truly knew God past His roles as Creator, Father, disciplinarian, and Savior. I often felt intimidation when I heard others speak with authority and conviction on who God was to them. Then I began to play the broken record of lies: you’re not good enough, you walked away, you’re a failure, you will never have that type of relationship with God.
I believe God shows us His unique characteristics at different times in our lives. As my perception of who God is changes, so does my view of myself. After all I was created in the image of God. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them. (Genesis 1:27). It’s always been easy for me to see God as the creator and sustainer of life, but seeing me in His image is something I’m only beginning to grasp.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Who is God?
As time goes by, I realize that I need so much more of God in my life. On my own, I am empty and a failure. I often stumble and lose direction. At the low points, I feel empty and hopeless. But today, I’m moving forward hand in hand with my Savior. I have lots of questions and still doubt my value, but I know that He rescued me from the valley and has a plan for my life.
This morning, I prayed for direction and asked God to show me my purpose. I asked him to show me who I was in His eyes.
The response I heard wasn’t what I was looking for. It’s just like Him to answer a question with a question. “Who am I to you?”
What? What do you mean, Lord? You are my everything.
Child, you were created in my image. You are a reflection of me. You must know who I am in order to discover who you are.
God is my Savior
GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE. (PSALM 46:1)
MY PROTECTOR
MY FATHER, WHO HAS GIVEN THEM TO ME, IS GREATER THAN ALL; NO ONE CAN SNATCH THEM OUT OF MY FATHER’S HAND. (JOHN 10:29)
MY COMFORTER
YOU WHO ARE MY COMFORTER IN SORROW, MY HEART IS FAINT WITHIN ME.(JEREMIAH 8:18)
God is my father, my daddy
SEE WHAT GREAT LOVE THE FATHER HAS LAVISHED ON US, THAT WE SHOULD BE CALLED CHILDREN OF GOD! (1 JOHN 3:1)
God is my Disciplinarian
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son (Hebrews 12:6)
God is my strength
“THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH AND MY SHIELD; MY HEART TRUSTS IN HIM, AND HE HELPS ME.” (PSALM 28:7)
“HE GIVES STRENGTH TO THE WEARY AND INCREASES THE POWER OF THE WEAK. EVEN YOUTHS GROW TIRED AND WEARY AND YOUNG MEN STUMBLE AND FALL; BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH. THEY WILL SOAR ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES; THEY WILL RUN AND NOT GROW WEARY, THEY WILL WALK AND NOT BE FAINT.” (ISAIAH 40:29-31)
God is love
WHOEVER DOES NOT LOVE DOES NOT KNOW GOD, BECAUSE GOD IS LOVE. THIS IS HOW GOD SHOWED HIS LOVE AMONG US: HE SENT HIS ONE AND ONLY SON INTO THE WORLD THAT WE MIGHT LIVE THROUGH HIM. (1 JOHN 4:8-9)
“FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONE AND ONLY SON, THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.” (JOHN 3:16)
God is Faithful
GOD IS FAITHFUL, WHO HAS CALLED YOU INTO FELLOWSHIP WITH HIS SON, JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD. (1 CORINTHIANS 1:9)
God is my friend
AND THE SCRIPTURE WAS FULFILLED THAT SAYS, “ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS,”[A] AND HE WAS CALLED GOD’S FRIEND. (JAMES 2:23)
God is Holy
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY IS THE LORD ALMIGHTY; THE WHOLE EARTH IS FULL OF HIS GLORY. (ISAIAH 6:3)
God is the Word
“IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS WITH GOD, AND THE WORD WAS GOD.” (JOHN 1:1)
God is the creator
THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS WERE MADE; WITHOUT HIM NOTHING WAS MADE THAT HAS BEEN MADE. (JOHN 1:3)
God is righteous
“For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face.” (Psalm 11:7)
God is the light
“The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.” (John 1:9)
God is my healer
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
God is spirit
God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. (John 4:24)
God is my provider
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
God is my teacher
Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. (Psalm 25:4)
But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.(John 14:26)
God is my restorer
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord,(Jeremiah 30:17)
God is good Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good His love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1)
God is all knowing
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. (Psalm 147:5)
This morning, I prayed for direction and asked God to show me my purpose. I asked him to show me who I was in His eyes.
The response I heard wasn’t what I was looking for. It’s just like Him to answer a question with a question. “Who am I to you?”
What? What do you mean, Lord? You are my everything.
Child, you were created in my image. You are a reflection of me. You must know who I am in order to discover who you are.
God is my Savior
GOD IS OUR REFUGE AND STRENGTH, AN EVER-PRESENT HELP IN TROUBLE. (PSALM 46:1)
MY PROTECTOR
MY FATHER, WHO HAS GIVEN THEM TO ME, IS GREATER THAN ALL; NO ONE CAN SNATCH THEM OUT OF MY FATHER’S HAND. (JOHN 10:29)
MY COMFORTER
YOU WHO ARE MY COMFORTER IN SORROW, MY HEART IS FAINT WITHIN ME.(JEREMIAH 8:18)
God is my father, my daddy
SEE WHAT GREAT LOVE THE FATHER HAS LAVISHED ON US, THAT WE SHOULD BE CALLED CHILDREN OF GOD! (1 JOHN 3:1)
God is my Disciplinarian
because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son (Hebrews 12:6)
God is my strength
“THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH AND MY SHIELD; MY HEART TRUSTS IN HIM, AND HE HELPS ME.” (PSALM 28:7)
“HE GIVES STRENGTH TO THE WEARY AND INCREASES THE POWER OF THE WEAK. EVEN YOUTHS GROW TIRED AND WEARY AND YOUNG MEN STUMBLE AND FALL; BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH. THEY WILL SOAR ON WINGS LIKE EAGLES; THEY WILL RUN AND NOT GROW WEARY, THEY WILL WALK AND NOT BE FAINT.” (ISAIAH 40:29-31)
God is love
WHOEVER DOES NOT LOVE DOES NOT KNOW GOD, BECAUSE GOD IS LOVE. THIS IS HOW GOD SHOWED HIS LOVE AMONG US: HE SENT HIS ONE AND ONLY SON INTO THE WORLD THAT WE MIGHT LIVE THROUGH HIM. (1 JOHN 4:8-9)
“FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONE AND ONLY SON, THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE.” (JOHN 3:16)
God is Faithful
GOD IS FAITHFUL, WHO HAS CALLED YOU INTO FELLOWSHIP WITH HIS SON, JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD. (1 CORINTHIANS 1:9)
God is my friend
AND THE SCRIPTURE WAS FULFILLED THAT SAYS, “ABRAHAM BELIEVED GOD, AND IT WAS CREDITED TO HIM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS,”[A] AND HE WAS CALLED GOD’S FRIEND. (JAMES 2:23)
God is Holy
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY IS THE LORD ALMIGHTY; THE WHOLE EARTH IS FULL OF HIS GLORY. (ISAIAH 6:3)
God is the Word
“IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE WORD, AND THE WORD WAS WITH GOD, AND THE WORD WAS GOD.” (JOHN 1:1)
God is the creator
THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS WERE MADE; WITHOUT HIM NOTHING WAS MADE THAT HAS BEEN MADE. (JOHN 1:3)
God is righteous
“For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face.” (Psalm 11:7)
God is the light
“The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.” (John 1:9)
God is my healer
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
God is spirit
God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth. (John 4:24)
God is my provider
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
God is my teacher
Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths. (Psalm 25:4)
But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.(John 14:26)
God is my restorer
But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord,(Jeremiah 30:17)
God is good Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good His love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1)
God is all knowing
Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. (Psalm 147:5)
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Is it scriptural to avoid alcohol?
Today I got into a discussion with someone that doesn't know my story. I quickly realized they were not a safe person and didn't feel the need to share my thoughts. Then the jabbing question came....
"you who have a problem with alcohol, what scripture do you have to support your position?"
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Hearing His voice
Sitting here in silence, I strain my ears to hear that still small voice. I long to hear His voice, but all too often I miss it. The chaos of the day ahead is already echoing in my mind: lessons to be taught, bills to paid, and all the needs only a mommy can meet. It’s so easy to lose focus and get distracted in the business of life. John 10:27 says, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.”
When my daughters first started talking, the world around me faded. All that mattered was hearing and understanding what they were trying to say. All distractions were tuned out as I strained to hear the only voice that mattered. I remember the sadness I felt if I missed hearing their new words for the first time. There was a sense of urgency as I rushed home to hear their new words first hand.
I have these same feeling today. As I look around I keep meeting women that have learned to hear His voice in way I seldom hear. I’m tired of missing the precious words of my Savior. I know He is talking, but for some reason I’m not tuned in. “Be still and Know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10). I’m trying to slow down and be intentional about listening to His Words & truly hearing His voice,.
Father God, I know that when I seek you, I will find you when I search for you with my whole heart (Jeremiah 29:11). Guide me on this journey to knowing you more. Help me to set aside what I think I know, so that I can fully know you. Take away anything in my life that is holding me down. Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) ow you.
When my daughters first started talking, the world around me faded. All that mattered was hearing and understanding what they were trying to say. All distractions were tuned out as I strained to hear the only voice that mattered. I remember the sadness I felt if I missed hearing their new words for the first time. There was a sense of urgency as I rushed home to hear their new words first hand.
I have these same feeling today. As I look around I keep meeting women that have learned to hear His voice in way I seldom hear. I’m tired of missing the precious words of my Savior. I know He is talking, but for some reason I’m not tuned in. “Be still and Know that I am God,” (Psalm 46:10). I’m trying to slow down and be intentional about listening to His Words & truly hearing His voice,.
Father God, I know that when I seek you, I will find you when I search for you with my whole heart (Jeremiah 29:11). Guide me on this journey to knowing you more. Help me to set aside what I think I know, so that I can fully know you. Take away anything in my life that is holding me down. Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24) ow you.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Unfailing Love - Christ Tomlin
Sometimes I feel there is something important missing from my prayer life. It’s like I’m going through the motions rather than truly connecting. I know that part of this is an attack. There is always a heaviness around the time I’m sharing my testimony, but I still feel like the disciples when they said “Teach us to pray” (Luke 11:1).
I also know I have a history of relying on myself. I was taught from an early age to be independent and take care of myself, but this self-reliance developed into an attitude of arrogance. How many times have I turned things over to God, only to take it back and do things my way? What I a mess I made, trying to control my life! I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better and rely on Him. It’s during some of the roughest storms that I’ve
I also know I have a history of relying on myself. I was taught from an early age to be independent and take care of myself, but this self-reliance developed into an attitude of arrogance. How many times have I turned things over to God, only to take it back and do things my way? What I a mess I made, trying to control my life! I believe God allows us to experience trials (he doesn’t cause them) so that we come to know Him better and rely on Him. It’s during some of the roughest storms that I’ve
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Something in my Eye
This
morning I went to the eye doctor. For
the past week my eye has been bothering me. It was itchy, watery, and felt like
something was trapped under the eyelid.
I tried flushing it out several times, but nothing helped. I decided to over-look it for a few days,
maybe it would heal itself. Denying I
had a problem didn’t work out well, so this morning I finally sought help. The doctor quickly identified the problem, a
small speck in my eye. For those of you
that know me, I get a bit sarcastic. The doctor and I were both laughing as he
tried to remove it. I was still laughing
when he said he would apply a local anesthetic to my eye and do a simple
surgery to remove the speck. Then, I
realized he was serious. Evidently that
small speck I had been ignoring, embedded itself under the surface of my
eye. OUCH! Now my eye is scratched and has an open wound
from the removal process.
Why
did I overlook this speck? It was so small I couldn’t see it and self-examination
didn’t reveal a problem. I needed help, but didn’t reach out. When I finally did, the small problem had grown
into a much bigger problem.
Jesus tells
us to first take the plank out of your own eye,
and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. The thing is, sometimes we need to help identifying the
problem. I’m so thankful for my
accountability team. They are there to
help me take inventory of my life and clear away the obstructions. They help me see more clearly.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Open Me
I’m sitting here today so grateful for all that I have been blessed with and delivered from. There is a new level of excitement and hunger about me. I’m ready to dig even deeper. I truly want to become more like Him and develop my relationship with Him beyond what I’ve known. My desire is to grow in intimacy with my Savior. I know in turn that will overflow into the lives of those I'm sponsoring/ mentoring.
I've decided to enter a Christian mentor-coaching program. I want someone to walk along side me on this journey and challenge me to dig deeper and help me to mature in my walk. It's time "grow up in my salvation" & learn tools in maintaining a conscious contact with God. Sometimes, OK alot of the time, I get tunnel vision and need someone to help me regain focus & look at things from a different perspective. I desire this type of mentorship and know that God wants to brighten my light in way that He can use me more. Please pray for me during this season, I'm expectant of great things.
I've decided to enter a Christian mentor-coaching program. I want someone to walk along side me on this journey and challenge me to dig deeper and help me to mature in my walk. It's time "grow up in my salvation" & learn tools in maintaining a conscious contact with God. Sometimes, OK alot of the time, I get tunnel vision and need someone to help me regain focus & look at things from a different perspective. I desire this type of mentorship and know that God wants to brighten my light in way that He can use me more. Please pray for me during this season, I'm expectant of great things.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
My Accountability Team
For so many years I lived by my strength trying to maintain my “perfect image.” I loved God and desired to serve Him with my life, but somehow my vision got blurred. My life became more focused on what I was doing than who I was doing it for. My service took priority over my devotion. What started out as a refreshing splash of water eventually turned into a downpour and before I realized it, I was in over my head.
Looking back, I see the warning signs. At one point I even reached out for help, but I thought my life was too messy. My pride kicked in and I was determined to fix things on my own. But I couldn’t, I didn’t have the strength. My life was out of balance because I had stretched myself too thin. As my life spiraled out of control, there was no one there to hold me up. Why? Because I never let anyone past that perfect image I worked so hard to maintain. One of the biggest blessings of Celebrate Recovery is that I now have a team of women that I can lead on when future storms come my way. I love my Celebrate Recovery forever family.
Looking back, I see the warning signs. At one point I even reached out for help, but I thought my life was too messy. My pride kicked in and I was determined to fix things on my own. But I couldn’t, I didn’t have the strength. My life was out of balance because I had stretched myself too thin. As my life spiraled out of control, there was no one there to hold me up. Why? Because I never let anyone past that perfect image I worked so hard to maintain. One of the biggest blessings of Celebrate Recovery is that I now have a team of women that I can lead on when future storms come my way. I love my Celebrate Recovery forever family.
For lack of guidance a nation falls,
but victory is won through many advisers.
Proverbs 11:14
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Way home - A Princess Story (By Max Lucado).
Today, during our homeschool day, we read The Way Home a Princess Story by Max Lucado. Wow. It brought tears to my eyes as I related to the princess that had wandered off. I felt like I was reading my testimony in the format of a children’s book. The story is about Princess Ann, a girl that was adopted into royalty but still intrigued by the land beyond her castle walls. She sets off to explore a world not meant for a daughter of the king. It’s hard to imagine someone slipping or choosing to leave a palace, but it happened to me. As I was looking for respite from a busy life, I strayed from the right path.
The enemy gets Anna alone and entices her. All too soon she found herself entrapped by the forest; she was lost. She found the consequences more than she could bare. Only a few years ago I found myself in a place where I too was in over my head. For me, what started off as a refreshing splash of cold water, quickly turned into a downpour. I isolated myself from others. I built walls to hide my depression, worries, and alcohol usage. I felt the need to masquerade through life pretending to have it all together. This isolation caused a void that led me deeper into to depression, resulting in the vicious cycle of needing one more glass. Thus, my abuse of alcohol began.
But her father, the king, wouldn’t let her slip away that easily. He was determined to find her and rescue her. People were shocked that the king was willing to go into the forest to find her. They judged her because she chose to leave. How could a Christian knowingly continue in the sin of drunkenness? There is no way a Christian could be controlled by an addiction. "The worries of life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and make us unfruitful"(Luke 4:19). Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."(James 1:14-15).
I love the king’s response, “She has been my daughter much longer than she has been with them.” The king was willing to do whatever it took to rescue her. That kind of reminds me of the parable of leaving the 99 to find the one sheep that wandered off. God still sees value in the one that wanders off!
The king eventually finds Anna and invites her to come home, but she just stands there in shame. I chose this. I deserve this. My sins are too great. All lies that enemy kept whispering to me, trying to keep me down.
“But you weren’t made for this,” replies the king. The creator of the Universe kept calling out to me because He still lovesd me. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
The king sacrifices his life for her freedom. God sent His Son to pay the price for me. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). Wow, I love that verse.
Anna didn’t understand, “I can’t go back. I don’t know the way.” When I stepped out of denial, my life was disorganized and all over the place. It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table. It was so overwhelming.
“Stay with me,” the father invited. “I’ll show you the way home.” I didn’t realize God was sitting next to me, helping me put the puzzle together. He led me home. Today, the story of my life is no longer defined by the mistakes I made. It’s about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior and how he was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention & rescue me.
The enemy gets Anna alone and entices her. All too soon she found herself entrapped by the forest; she was lost. She found the consequences more than she could bare. Only a few years ago I found myself in a place where I too was in over my head. For me, what started off as a refreshing splash of cold water, quickly turned into a downpour. I isolated myself from others. I built walls to hide my depression, worries, and alcohol usage. I felt the need to masquerade through life pretending to have it all together. This isolation caused a void that led me deeper into to depression, resulting in the vicious cycle of needing one more glass. Thus, my abuse of alcohol began.
But her father, the king, wouldn’t let her slip away that easily. He was determined to find her and rescue her. People were shocked that the king was willing to go into the forest to find her. They judged her because she chose to leave. How could a Christian knowingly continue in the sin of drunkenness? There is no way a Christian could be controlled by an addiction. "The worries of life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and make us unfruitful"(Luke 4:19). Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."(James 1:14-15).
I love the king’s response, “She has been my daughter much longer than she has been with them.” The king was willing to do whatever it took to rescue her. That kind of reminds me of the parable of leaving the 99 to find the one sheep that wandered off. God still sees value in the one that wanders off!
The king eventually finds Anna and invites her to come home, but she just stands there in shame. I chose this. I deserve this. My sins are too great. All lies that enemy kept whispering to me, trying to keep me down.
“But you weren’t made for this,” replies the king. The creator of the Universe kept calling out to me because He still lovesd me. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
The king sacrifices his life for her freedom. God sent His Son to pay the price for me. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). Wow, I love that verse.
Anna didn’t understand, “I can’t go back. I don’t know the way.” When I stepped out of denial, my life was disorganized and all over the place. It was like a huge jigsaw puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table. It was so overwhelming.
“Stay with me,” the father invited. “I’ll show you the way home.” I didn’t realize God was sitting next to me, helping me put the puzzle together. He led me home. Today, the story of my life is no longer defined by the mistakes I made. It’s about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior and how he was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention & rescue me.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Whom shall I fear
A few months ago I attended a prayer meeting where a lady said she saw a path in front of me with many obstacles. Some of the obstacles were bigger and heavier than others. She said God was going before me moving those obstacles out of the way. How true this is in my life. There were so many obstacles that God moved out of the way. Even when I thought God had abandoned me, He was
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Another testimony
Last night I gave my testimony again. Throughout the day, I was full of peace. Praise God. I’m amazed at how he is transforming me. I will admit I was taken back when I saw my sponsor’s empty seat. It was the first time I’ve attended her CR since her passing. I got a little choked up talking about her, but I looked for comfort to the ladies that came to support me. I have truly been blessed by an amazing support team. I'm so thankful for His peace that surpasses all understanding that directed me this evening. I’m beginning to understand that my testimony isn’t really about me at all. It’s about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior and how he was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention & rescue me.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Slowing Down
All too often my thoughts drift in the wrong direction and take me down the path of negativity and doubt. I don’t understand why I keep falling into this same old pattern. I need to shift my thoughts to His thoughts rather than mine. How do I truly take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ? I know that He has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7). But if I truly believed this I wouldn’t keep giving Him areas and then taking them back. All too often I turn things over to Him only to get in His way a short time later. I desperately need to start standing on the Word of God and not allow myself to caught in the web of deception.
The key is balance. Last year I was sheltered in my "recovery bubble." Now that I'm venturing out again, I struggle with balance. I know that I cannot allow myself to get distracted in the business of life, my relationship with my Savior must come first. I have found myself back in place where serving has become too much of a priority. I need to find the proper balance in this area too. I cannot do this on my own, and I don't want to try living life on empty again. So today I'm stepping back a little and making sure that I'm taking time to refuel.
The key is balance. Last year I was sheltered in my "recovery bubble." Now that I'm venturing out again, I struggle with balance. I know that I cannot allow myself to get distracted in the business of life, my relationship with my Savior must come first. I have found myself back in place where serving has become too much of a priority. I need to find the proper balance in this area too. I cannot do this on my own, and I don't want to try living life on empty again. So today I'm stepping back a little and making sure that I'm taking time to refuel.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Wait and See
Tonight I completed my second step study. I’m so grateful for all that God has done in me through Celebrate Recovery. As I began to dig deeper, I discovered that throughout my life I faithfully pulled the “surface weeds” of my flaws, but they kept resurfacing. I worked hard trying to maintain that perfect image & was determined to hide my imperfections from others, but the harder I tried, the more failed. In this study God began doing for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. He started pulling all the ugly weeds by their roots. I’m still a work in progress and have a long ways to go, but there is still hope – God isn’t through with me yet.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Just where I am
I gave my testimony tonight. Though I wasn’t as anxious as I have been in the past, it was very difficult to get through. First there were technical difficulties with microphones. UGHUG. Somehow I didn’t let that get to me and pushed through. But I broke down sharing about my sponsor and all that she did for me. I miss her so much. Her loss is still so heavy on my heart. I’m past the bitterness and anger, but I miss her and our special times together. I’m realizing that I need to fill the missing link in my support team, but I’m not sure that I’m ready. I think I’m intentionally procrastinating because I’m not wanting to let go or open a new chapter. Maybe I’m afraid of losing another sponsor. My first one left the ministry, and now this. I feel so weak. I wish that I was stronger, but then again, maybe my weakness is what keeps me humble and dependent on God. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I must rely on His strength.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Beauty For Ashes
It’s been 4 weeks since my last entry. On June 21 the fresh wound of my sponsor’s death, was ripped open again. Since then I have been avoiding my feelings by trying not feel anything. I have felt very disconnected. I have allowed deceptive thinking to pull me down and resentment to form. The past few weeks I have been going through the motions but hitting a road block in ALL areas in my life.
Yesterday, I shared my heart with my accountability team. I finally allowed myself to
Yesterday, I shared my heart with my accountability team. I finally allowed myself to
Thursday, June 20, 2013
I want to Live Like That
A couple of days ago an unexpected knock at the door caused the “old me” to momentarily sneak in. It was animal control. Evidentially the neighbors aren’t very happy with our barking dog. Immediately, I was defensive and was quick to make it know that there are several barking dogs in the area. I assured them that are dog is inside most of the time. The complaint was marked as no violation.
Throughout out the day I was annoyed. Why didn’t they attempt
Throughout out the day I was annoyed. Why didn’t they attempt
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I Refuse (Josh Wilson)
I woke up excited, ready for the Celebrate Recovery One day training in Dallas. The anticipation and excitement were overflowing. Then all of a sudden, the joy disappeared. How can one song trigger such deep emotion?
Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them.
Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has
Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them.
Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Why I Journal
I’m a bit high strung and always on the move. I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but sometime I try the same approach when it comes to spending time with Jesus. Journaling causes me to slow down and evaluate my day and get more in touch with my innermost thoughts. It allows me to see areas where I’m getting distracted. As I examine my day, it gives me valuable insight to the choices I made.
I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly. I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose
I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly. I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
"Who Am I" - Les Misérables
I’m moving forward on my recovery journey, but to be honest, I’m still having a bit of an identity crisis. For so long I put up barricades to protect myself. I hid behind my perfect image, isolating myself from others. I was afraid to let others see the real me. Today, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggles and let others in, but have a hard time knowing when to share and when it’s ok to keep quiet.
I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.
When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.
I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.
When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.
Monday, June 10, 2013
I Dream A Dream - Les Misérables
Last night my husband and I watched Les Misérables. What an incredible story of courage, grace, and redemption! I’ve seen the musical and movie before, but this time it penetrated my heart in a deeper way. Now I have more of a firsthand understanding of the grace displayed. Only a year ago I was still struggling, like Javert. I was trapped in my own legalism unable to accept grace and forgiveness. Today, my life more relates to Jean Valjean, I have been transformed by grace and it overflows to those around me. I’m even learning to give myself more grace when I fall short.
Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes.
“I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.”
Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.
“…the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.”
Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes.
“I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.”
Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.
“…the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.”
Friday, June 7, 2013
The Gift of Time
“Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” Rick Warren
Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I
going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.
Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.
I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!
Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I
going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.
Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.
I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Giving Grace to myself
I'm so much more laid back and accepting the fact that I will never be perfect. But when I have rough days like yesterday I get very agitated with myself. I feel like I shouldn't have those struggles. Ugh. I need to give myself more grace. Joyce Meyer paraphrased it like this “God doesn’t have a bad attitude toward you—and you shouldn’t have one toward yourself! (1 John 4:9-11)”
Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.
What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.
This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.
I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.
I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved
Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.
What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.
This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.
I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.
I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Daily Inventory & Journaling
Sometimes in life things catch you off guard and you find yourself totally unprepared to deal with it. That’s kind of where I am right now, feeling tired and beaten down. Honestly, I really don’t even feel like journaling today. I’m beginning to feel that I need to take a break from the business of life and just slow down for a bit.
I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.
Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?
Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.
I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.
Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9)
Step 10: I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it. “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!: (1 Corinthians 10:12).
I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.
Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?
Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.
I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
At the Crossroads - Only You
Here I am again at the crossroads (lesson 19) of my recovery journey. It’s time to dig deeper and get more intentional on the daily journaling. During my first step study this was the time that my recovery really took off, the miracle came. I refer to the 7 days of journaling as my miracle week. It was during this intense week of quiet times and self-examination that I finally forgave myself. I was freed of all of my baggage - the guilt, shame, & fears were gone. I was truly set free. As I began to pour out my heart to God and allow my feelings to flow through journaling, I soon realize that a majority of my testimony was written.
This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.
I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.
This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.
I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Cry Out to Jesus
As I think about my sponsor’s life, I’m amazed at the impact she had on so many, many people, I’m overwhelmed. In her 15 years of recovery she impacted 100’s and 100’s of people – that’s more than most reach in a lifetime. I want to be in place where I allow God to use me like this, but somehow I keep getting in the way. I feel like I’m wandering around in the desert, not sure of the next destination. It’s a bit confusing. I know that I don’t want to return to Egypt, my old life of bondage. There is no question in my mind that I need Jesus and want to follow Him. But what does that look like for me? How am I supposed love and serve others? What is the proper balance between serving others, CR, homeschooling, and my roles as a wife & mom? What does it look like to keep my devotion to God before my service for Him? I ran on empty for so long and never want to try to live through a drought again.
I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.
I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Save a Place For Me
This morning I had an incredible quiet time. I spent a little over an hour in prayer, the Bible, and devotions. I put on my armor of God and clothed myself in Him. It's been many months since I had a quiet time like this. God new I needed this time, Today. Only a few hours later I received some terrible news - a love one had passed away.
So this Memorial Day as we honor those who gave their lives serving our nation, I’m mourning the loss one of the greatest warriors in my life, my Celebrate Recovery sponsor. She made the most of her time, her life by serving others. She truly loved others and has made a HUGE difference in the lives of many, many people.
So this Memorial Day as we honor those who gave their lives serving our nation, I’m mourning the loss one of the greatest warriors in my life, my Celebrate Recovery sponsor. She made the most of her time, her life by serving others. She truly loved others and has made a HUGE difference in the lives of many, many people.
Clothed in Him
Lately I seem to be distracted by the business of life. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Last year I had so much free time that it was easy to focus solely on my recovery and my relationship with God. It was easy to stay connected and maintain an attitude of prayer throughout my day. For a season I was sheltered and protected from the business and conflict that often arise in life. It was easy to maintain my “perfect” recovery image.
But lately that’s not the case. I get distracted , I lose my cool, I’ve even made some poor choices. Why is it that 18 months into my recovery journey I still find myself leaning on my own understanding and strength while trying to control things? His word says that “a righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord deliver him for all” (Psalm 34:19). I trust God and know that He is far bigger than all the trials that I face. So today, as I prepare for this day, I clothe myself in Him – the strength I need to make it through the day.
Father God, help me to hear your voice throughout my day. Guide me in your wisdom. I know that you are far bigger than all my problems and all the negativity that has crept into my mind. Today, renew my mind. I want to see you clearly, not just in this very moment, but throughout my day. Show me where there is sin in my heart, or anything that is pulling me in the wrong direction. Help me to turn my mind to you rather than try to face them on my own. I want to be clothed in you. Love, Me
But lately that’s not the case. I get distracted , I lose my cool, I’ve even made some poor choices. Why is it that 18 months into my recovery journey I still find myself leaning on my own understanding and strength while trying to control things? His word says that “a righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord deliver him for all” (Psalm 34:19). I trust God and know that He is far bigger than all the trials that I face. So today, as I prepare for this day, I clothe myself in Him – the strength I need to make it through the day.
Father God, help me to hear your voice throughout my day. Guide me in your wisdom. I know that you are far bigger than all my problems and all the negativity that has crept into my mind. Today, renew my mind. I want to see you clearly, not just in this very moment, but throughout my day. Show me where there is sin in my heart, or anything that is pulling me in the wrong direction. Help me to turn my mind to you rather than try to face them on my own. I want to be clothed in you. Love, Me
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Grace -
When I began my recovery journey I believed that I had fallen to far from grace, but I soon discovered that God was faithful even when I wasn’t. I now realize that God was with me always. He placed so many people and warning signs in my path, but I was too stubborn to admit my struggles. But God didn’t quit, He was willing to do whatever it took to get my attention, to save me from the path I was on. His grace was there when we sold our home to the first person that looked at it and then the same thing happened for my parents and they relocated here to help me on this journey. God has used this trial to restore my marriage and heal my family. He has restored my relationship with Him and using my experience to help others. He knew that it would take something this big to get my attention, yet His grace was there protecting me from more severe consequences. God’s grace has picked me up from my rock bottom choices and now my daughters’ will not be growing up as children of an alcoholic and acquiring all the baggage that goes with that.
God’s grace is sufficient for even me & His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me ( 2 Corinthians 12:9). I receive God’s grace by faith. When I humble myself and confess my sins, He is faithful to forgive me. Jesus did all the work for me. I just have to accept His grace.
God loves me in spite of my mistakes. He has forgiven me and wiped my slate clean. God has not given me what I deserve so I choose to forgive others even if they don’t deserve it. I sure don't deserve the forgiveness that God has given me. I'm learning to give that grace freely to those around me, even the ones still in denial.
Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others when possible, except when to do so would harm them or others. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9)
Step 9: I Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. “There, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and e reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-23)
God’s grace is sufficient for even me & His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me ( 2 Corinthians 12:9). I receive God’s grace by faith. When I humble myself and confess my sins, He is faithful to forgive me. Jesus did all the work for me. I just have to accept His grace.
God loves me in spite of my mistakes. He has forgiven me and wiped my slate clean. God has not given me what I deserve so I choose to forgive others even if they don’t deserve it. I sure don't deserve the forgiveness that God has given me. I'm learning to give that grace freely to those around me, even the ones still in denial.
Example of Grace in Les Miserables
Friday, May 17, 2013
I'm changed - Victory in You.
I've tried to change on my own and nothing happened. I kept doing life my way, expecting to get different results - INSANITY. I now realize that I have to allow God to make the changes, and I have to stop getting in His way.
He is changing me from the inside out. It's a process. That is so opposite from my ways. I tend to control the outward appearance and surface issues. God goes straight to my heart and begins by renewing my mind. God is changing me and for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing victory and freedom.
As I'm working my second step study, God is challenging me to dig deeper and take a closer look at my personal character defect. During my first step study I dealt with the surface issue of alcoholism and all the guilt associated from the mistakes I made. Now I'm ready and willing to submit to any and all changes. I no longer want to justify my flaws. I truly want to become more Christlike.
He is changing me from the inside out. It's a process. That is so opposite from my ways. I tend to control the outward appearance and surface issues. God goes straight to my heart and begins by renewing my mind. God is changing me and for the first time in my life, I'm experiencing victory and freedom.
As I'm working my second step study, God is challenging me to dig deeper and take a closer look at my personal character defect. During my first step study I dealt with the surface issue of alcoholism and all the guilt associated from the mistakes I made. Now I'm ready and willing to submit to any and all changes. I no longer want to justify my flaws. I truly want to become more Christlike.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Positive Changes
There are so many positive changes that have come from my recovery journey. It began with restoration and the returning of the joy of my salvation. The miracle came when I was finally able to forgive myself. All of the guilt, fear, and shame were gone.
So much of my life and ministry were pruned away. There was a season of grieving, a season of healing, and now I'm seeing the season of restoration and regrowth. The new growth has been beautiful, but it takes time for growth to occur. My new life looks so different than the life I once had, the life I thought I wanted. I feel so much stronger, just like scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. Along with new strength is a sense of peace, a peace I've never known.
I'm learning to turn things over to God and to truly let go. I"m also learning that I don't have to hide behind my mask - that "perfect image" I've worked so hard to maintain. Jesus was made perfect so that I don't have to be.
My life is no longer focused on me and is no longer defined by the mistakes I've made. It's about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior, & how He was willing to do whatever it took to rescue me.
So much of my life and ministry were pruned away. There was a season of grieving, a season of healing, and now I'm seeing the season of restoration and regrowth. The new growth has been beautiful, but it takes time for growth to occur. My new life looks so different than the life I once had, the life I thought I wanted. I feel so much stronger, just like scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. Along with new strength is a sense of peace, a peace I've never known.
I'm learning to turn things over to God and to truly let go. I"m also learning that I don't have to hide behind my mask - that "perfect image" I've worked so hard to maintain. Jesus was made perfect so that I don't have to be.
My life is no longer focused on me and is no longer defined by the mistakes I've made. It's about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior, & how He was willing to do whatever it took to rescue me.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
My God Box
As I continue this journey I keep maturing in my walk. I’ve come to the point where I’m truly ready to submit to any and all changes that God wants to make. I’m tired of playing God and
attempting to control my life. I find myself doing the same thing over and over as I go round and round obsessing over my life. I say that I’ve surrendered all to God, but I keep finding areas that I’m trying to hang on to. I’m ready to let go, but that is easier said than done.
Today, I finally took my sponsor’s advice and made my own God Box. She has mentioned this many times but I wasn’t sure it was something I needed. I mean, I had already given it all to Him, or I thought I had. The problem is that I can’t seem to let go.
My God Box is where I symbolically turn my fears and struggles over to God. By writing it down I’m saying that these areas are beyond my control. I realize that I need help; I need my Savior to take this one for me. Today I officially want to turn this worry or problem over to God. By faith, I’m taking a new step.
My first areas I’m turning over to God (again):
My need to control
My self-image and how others see me
My concerns and our struggles from choosing to be a single income family
My inferiority complex and feelings of not being good enough
My newest sponsee and my lack of confidence
My lack of leadership abilities
My relationship with my husband
attempting to control my life. I find myself doing the same thing over and over as I go round and round obsessing over my life. I say that I’ve surrendered all to God, but I keep finding areas that I’m trying to hang on to. I’m ready to let go, but that is easier said than done.
Today, I finally took my sponsor’s advice and made my own God Box. She has mentioned this many times but I wasn’t sure it was something I needed. I mean, I had already given it all to Him, or I thought I had. The problem is that I can’t seem to let go.
My God Box is where I symbolically turn my fears and struggles over to God. By writing it down I’m saying that these areas are beyond my control. I realize that I need help; I need my Savior to take this one for me. Today I officially want to turn this worry or problem over to God. By faith, I’m taking a new step.
My first areas I’m turning over to God (again):
My need to control
My self-image and how others see me
My concerns and our struggles from choosing to be a single income family
My inferiority complex and feelings of not being good enough
My newest sponsee and my lack of confidence
My lack of leadership abilities
My relationship with my husband
· Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “ Happy are hose whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.”
· Step 6: I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will life you up." (James 4:10)
Friday, April 12, 2013
More Like You
While sharing my inventory, my sponsor shared a quote that has echoed in my mind over and over. The more I ponder it the more it’s shaping my prayer life. I’ve done a little research on
Michelangelo’s famous quote on David. The marble of David was very old, and even of a poorer quality than most pieces used by artist. It had been worked on by 2 other sculptors, both walked away from the unusable piece of marble. That amazes me. How was such a masterpiece sculpted from what appeared to be inferior? When asked how he created David, Michelangelo replied: “I simply took away what wasn't David". How profound, yet simple. He just chiseled away what wasn’t needed.
Michelangelo’s famous quote on David. The marble of David was very old, and even of a poorer quality than most pieces used by artist. It had been worked on by 2 other sculptors, both walked away from the unusable piece of marble. That amazes me. How was such a masterpiece sculpted from what appeared to be inferior? When asked how he created David, Michelangelo replied: “I simply took away what wasn't David". How profound, yet simple. He just chiseled away what wasn’t needed.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I Need You!
I finally completed my fifth step last night. What a relief to have that behind me. My sponsor shared great insight into one major life pattern that seems to keep setting me back. As a child I was taught to be independent and take care of myself. Throughout my life, I have a pattern of setting myself of for failure, while trying to achieve high expectations. Everything in my life has taught me to rely on myself. When I fail, I try harder; I try to fix things. But I wasn’t designed to rely on my strength. Self-reliance fails every time.
It seems with each step God slowly peels back another layer of my life. Unfortunately each layer has new areas that need to be exposed to His light, and with each layer there seems to be a new layer of denial to address. I’m getting really tired of this denial topic. Will it ever be a thing of the past?
In addition to still trying to run things in my own power, I have underlying fears that are holding me back. I fear not being in control. I fear having too much control. I fear not being taken care of and lack of security. I fear not being good enough, failing, and unworthiness. This constant struggle of relying on self all stems from me not trusting God wholeheartedly. When I have these feelings, in a sense, I’m saying that Christ wasn’t good enough. He was made perfect so that I don't have to be. I need to truly turn my life over to His control.
I’m realizing that I still have lots of character defects that need His attention. They have deep roots. All this time I have been faithfully pulling the “weeds” in my life. I have worked so hard trying to maintain that perfect image. As each issue resurfaces I deal with it, I find a way to make it go away. But each time, they resurface. My self-reliance has failed me, but God is ready to do for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. I have finally reached a point where I am ready to let God pull all the ugly weeds by their roots.
During my first step study I honestly thought that it was all downhill at this point. I was so wrong. Step 6 is the step that separates the women from the girls. This is where I “voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.” I’ve been trying to run things my way for so long that this step seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m so ready to take this step.
Father God, I'm desperate for you. I'm reaching out. I need you now.
It seems with each step God slowly peels back another layer of my life. Unfortunately each layer has new areas that need to be exposed to His light, and with each layer there seems to be a new layer of denial to address. I’m getting really tired of this denial topic. Will it ever be a thing of the past?
In addition to still trying to run things in my own power, I have underlying fears that are holding me back. I fear not being in control. I fear having too much control. I fear not being taken care of and lack of security. I fear not being good enough, failing, and unworthiness. This constant struggle of relying on self all stems from me not trusting God wholeheartedly. When I have these feelings, in a sense, I’m saying that Christ wasn’t good enough. He was made perfect so that I don't have to be. I need to truly turn my life over to His control.
I’m realizing that I still have lots of character defects that need His attention. They have deep roots. All this time I have been faithfully pulling the “weeds” in my life. I have worked so hard trying to maintain that perfect image. As each issue resurfaces I deal with it, I find a way to make it go away. But each time, they resurface. My self-reliance has failed me, but God is ready to do for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. I have finally reached a point where I am ready to let God pull all the ugly weeds by their roots.
During my first step study I honestly thought that it was all downhill at this point. I was so wrong. Step 6 is the step that separates the women from the girls. This is where I “voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.” I’ve been trying to run things my way for so long that this step seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m so ready to take this step.
Father God, I'm desperate for you. I'm reaching out. I need you now.
If We Ever Needed You - Casting Crowns
Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our
hands are raised
You called us out,
we turned away
We've turned away
With shipwrecked
faith the idols rise
We do what is right
in our own eyes
Our children now
will pay the price
We need Your light,
Lord, shine Your light
If we've ever
needed You
Lord, it's now,
Lord, it's now
We are desperate
for Your hand
We're reaching out,
we're reaching out
All our hearts, all
our strength
With all our minds,
we're at Your feet
May Your kingdom
come in our hearts and lives
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise
If we've ever
needed You
Lord, it's now,
Lord, it's now
We are desperate
for Your hand
We're reaching out,
we're reaching out
We're reaching out
If we've ever
needed You
Lord, it's now,
Lord, it's now
We are desperate
for Your hand
We're reaching out,
we're reaching out
If we've ever
needed You
Lord, it's now,
Lord, it's now
We are desperate
for Your hand
We're reaching out,
reaching out
We need You now
Revive us now
We need You now
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Digging Deeper
I’m working through my inventory again. UGHUG. Why is this one so much more difficult than my first one??? My first inventory was more painful and so much longer, but it just poured out.
This time, I feel like I’m digging and digging and not sure why.
Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mountain out of molehill on the affects portion. I’m trying to understand my fears. I honestly didn’t realize I had so many. How is it that I’m still relying on my strength and not trusting God?
Today I’m confessing my fears to the Lord. I don’t want to be in bondage any more. I don’t want anything to hold me back. God is calling me to dig deeper. I want to be set free. “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
This time, I feel like I’m digging and digging and not sure why.
Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mountain out of molehill on the affects portion. I’m trying to understand my fears. I honestly didn’t realize I had so many. How is it that I’m still relying on my strength and not trusting God?
Today I’m confessing my fears to the Lord. I don’t want to be in bondage any more. I don’t want anything to hold me back. God is calling me to dig deeper. I want to be set free. “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
·
Principle
4: Openly examine and confess my
faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew
5:8)
·
Step 4: I Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of
myself. “Let us examine our ways and
test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Help me Find It
Help me find your will.
I’m so confused. Last night I
began addressing my inventory with my sponsor.
I had a few questions on how to word things to her liking, but for the
most part it was complete. I was
surprised that she seemed concerned about my fear inventory. I really don’t have fears. I struggle with the fear of man – of how
other see, but that’s pretty much it.
Well she seemed pretty convinced that I needed
to address my fears.
Is fear a sin? I know that living in fear is bondage, but are some fears healthy? Isn't it the cause-effect relationship of fear that causes us to use discernment to avoid danger? As my family was hiking along a cliff I was fearful of one of my daughters falling. I held them tighter, to protect them. When faced with a life-threatening situation, fear motivates me to get out of there. It seems to be a God given instinct.
to address my fears.
Honestly, I am a bit annoyed and frustrated. We spent almost 2 hours rewording parts of my
inventory and addressing fears that I’m not sure I have. So here I am today trying to figure this out. Was she suggesting that I don’t trust God? Do I really have fears? Immediately I felt defensive. I began to question and justify.
Is fear a sin? I know that living in fear is bondage, but are some fears healthy? Isn't it the cause-effect relationship of fear that causes us to use discernment to avoid danger? As my family was hiking along a cliff I was fearful of one of my daughters falling. I held them tighter, to protect them. When faced with a life-threatening situation, fear motivates me to get out of there. It seems to be a God given instinct.
How about our conscious!
Sometimes God uses fear to get my attention when I’m heading down the
wrong path. I believe that fear becomes a sin when it affects me in a
way that keeps me from trusting God. When fear controls us and paralyzes us it
becomes a bondage that hinders our faith. After all fear is the opposite of faith. Everything that does not come from faith is
sin (Romans 14:23).That’s where the problem begins. So often I take my eyes off my Savior and
begin trusting in my own strength.
Monday, March 25, 2013
How Many Times
“How many times have I cried out to God to take this storm away? How many times have I wondered how I got to wear I am?” Too many to count.
But the thing is, though it’s not always easy, God is teaching to be content in all circumstances. Being thankful during the good times is easy, but I have never been thankful for the trials and difficult times that have come my way. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12.
So as I move forward, I can have confidence in Him. He will not give me more than I can bear. Each step I take, He is holding my hand and restoring me. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). I’m so thankful for this promise. I know that my God is transforming me and making me strong in Him. He is softening my heart. The grace that He has poured out on me is overflowing. My once judgmental attitude has shifted and is full of mercy for others.
But the thing is, though it’s not always easy, God is teaching to be content in all circumstances. Being thankful during the good times is easy, but I have never been thankful for the trials and difficult times that have come my way. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12.
So as I move forward, I can have confidence in Him. He will not give me more than I can bear. Each step I take, He is holding my hand and restoring me. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). I’m so thankful for this promise. I know that my God is transforming me and making me strong in Him. He is softening my heart. The grace that He has poured out on me is overflowing. My once judgmental attitude has shifted and is full of mercy for others.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
My Hiding Place
I get so frustrated with myself. Almost 16 months into my recovery for alcoholism and the temptation returns. I really thought I was passed this. It’s been months since I've had a real craving, but this week has been a struggle. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I’m not sure where the desire came from, but it has been very strong. I believe it started with a simple out of town invitation. It was from one of my best friends, a friend that has been my side through life’s many ups and downs.
My friend is fully aware of my addiction and would never intentionally put me in an uncomfortable situation. But somehow I built things up in my mind and started thinking about the possibility of being around alcohol.
My thoughts became consumed with alcohol, so much that eventually I dreamed about drinking again. That scared me; it angered me. My initial reaction was to isolate. I was so embarrassed that I was still dealing with this. But I know better than to keep thoughts like this to myself so I shared with my accountability partner and husband. But the desires continued and I was still craving a glass of wine. I shared my struggle with my open share group, but still no relief. As I prayed, I knew that I had to guard myself and the trip was not an option at this time.
I reached out to my sponsor. Love her advice & reminders. "That won’t be the last time you will think about drinking, but God is helping create healthy boundaries of where you can go and do well and where you can’t. Once you tell your friend that you aren't going, the obsession should subside. It’s just part of the disease/flesh. As long as you don’t drink – It’s a good day!"
Great advice but do I really have to tell my friend??? The old me tried to sneak in. I’ll just make an excuse not to go. After all, I already the trip is the same day as the opening to the Celebrate Recovery movie Home Run. She would understand. But just as the thoughts crossed my mind, I knew it was not the right response. The Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I want to be healed. With tears, I told my friend the truth and immediately peace came. Of course my friend was full of grace and understanding.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m amazed at the peace I have. I have been blessed with the most amazing support team. God is holding my hand and delivering me and making me stronger.
Oh Lord! You are my refuge and deliver. I come to you with all my struggles and pain. You give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You take my brokenness and heal me. You are my hiding place.
My friend is fully aware of my addiction and would never intentionally put me in an uncomfortable situation. But somehow I built things up in my mind and started thinking about the possibility of being around alcohol.
My thoughts became consumed with alcohol, so much that eventually I dreamed about drinking again. That scared me; it angered me. My initial reaction was to isolate. I was so embarrassed that I was still dealing with this. But I know better than to keep thoughts like this to myself so I shared with my accountability partner and husband. But the desires continued and I was still craving a glass of wine. I shared my struggle with my open share group, but still no relief. As I prayed, I knew that I had to guard myself and the trip was not an option at this time.
I reached out to my sponsor. Love her advice & reminders. "That won’t be the last time you will think about drinking, but God is helping create healthy boundaries of where you can go and do well and where you can’t. Once you tell your friend that you aren't going, the obsession should subside. It’s just part of the disease/flesh. As long as you don’t drink – It’s a good day!"
Great advice but do I really have to tell my friend??? The old me tried to sneak in. I’ll just make an excuse not to go. After all, I already the trip is the same day as the opening to the Celebrate Recovery movie Home Run. She would understand. But just as the thoughts crossed my mind, I knew it was not the right response. The Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I want to be healed. With tears, I told my friend the truth and immediately peace came. Of course my friend was full of grace and understanding.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m amazed at the peace I have. I have been blessed with the most amazing support team. God is holding my hand and delivering me and making me stronger.
Oh Lord! You are my refuge and deliver. I come to you with all my struggles and pain. You give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You take my brokenness and heal me. You are my hiding place.
You Are My Hiding Place (Sara Groves)
Early when the day is new
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty (??-through the) pain
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty (??-through the) pain
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
Friday, March 15, 2013
"Awake My Soul"
I'm sitting here at a beautiful resort, relaxing. That's why I'm here, taking time for respite, to get refueled. I had to learn the importance of Sabbath, or resting the hard way.
For years I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I honestly thought that I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. The thing is I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. I got lost along the way. My bones were dried up. My Hope was lost. I had been cut off. (Ezekiel 37:11).
Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story. God resurrected me from the pit. He brought new life to the dead places in my life. Part of me wishes that I had learned this lesson sooner. Maybe I would have had the strength to keep going if I hadn't tried to rely on my strength. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the loss that I experienced. But then again, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have this testimony to share with others. I may have caused the fire that overtook me, but my God is able to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1 - 3)
For years I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I honestly thought that I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. The thing is I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. I got lost along the way. My bones were dried up. My Hope was lost. I had been cut off. (Ezekiel 37:11).
Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story. God resurrected me from the pit. He brought new life to the dead places in my life. Part of me wishes that I had learned this lesson sooner. Maybe I would have had the strength to keep going if I hadn't tried to rely on my strength. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the loss that I experienced. But then again, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have this testimony to share with others. I may have caused the fire that overtook me, but my God is able to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1 - 3)
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Simple Life - An Oxymoron
So my teacher guide suggested a simple paper mâché project to go along with our in depth study of Charlotte's web. Simple, really? Now that's an oxymoron. I think the author placed a hidden camera in the guide and is laughing at us.
Day 1 Confession: I made the girls clean up the huge mess before taking pictures. As I looked at the pictures, I realized that they didn't portray the true picture. Once again I found myself trying to hide the mess and portray a pretty picture.
Day 1: First, we created a base for our pig. We taped half toilet paper rolls on balloons. This in itself was a project. Then the homemade glue turned out clumpy. A leg broke off one of the pigs. As my daughter holds her beloved pig so I can repair the leg. Now her shirt is now covered in glue. By the end of the ordeal there was even glue in my hair.
Day 1 Confession: I made the girls clean up the huge mess before taking pictures. As I looked at the pictures, I realized that they didn't portray the true picture. Once again I found myself trying to hide the mess and portray a pretty picture.
Day 2: Pigs sat on table staring at us. I ignored them, insisting they needed more time to dry.
Day 2 Confession: Today, I'm avoiding the mess that I created. I'm ready to give up on this project
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Heal the Wound Leave the Scar
Last week I cut accidentally cut my hand, very badly. At first I kind of downplayed it, after all, it didn’t really hurt. I didn’t realize that my hand was numb and that the wound was much deeper than it first appeared. It needed to be cleansed and tended to. That’s when I realized the depth of the cut. That’s when the pain and even fear occurred.
I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?
So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.
So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.
I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?
So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.
So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Sheltering Trees
As a child I remember being so scared of punishment. I would hide, lie, or anything I could to avoid consequences. At times I was convinced that my parents no longer loved me and that’s why they punished me. I didn’t realize that they were trying to protect me, to shelter me from learning lessons the hard way.
Unfortunately, I never grew out of that mindset. I approached drinking the same way. I lied, tried to hide it, and did everything possible to avoid consequences. My first instinct was to hide the alcohol and keep on pretending that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth came out I was terrified. The storm that erupted set me in a panic. After all, storms can be scary, dangerous, and even destructive.
Unfortunately, I never grew out of that mindset. I approached drinking the same way. I lied, tried to hide it, and did everything possible to avoid consequences. My first instinct was to hide the alcohol and keep on pretending that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth came out I was terrified. The storm that erupted set me in a panic. After all, storms can be scary, dangerous, and even destructive.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Failed to See the Truth
For most of my life I was so busy trying to do life in my own strength that I forgot who I was in Christ. At times my self-righteous attitude was so proud of the good I was doing that I missed the fact that it was only by God’s grace that I accomplished anything and that it was for His glory, not mine. The harder I tried to live life in my power, the more miserable I became. I missed the mark, forgetting that it was only “through Christ, I [could] do all things (Philippians 4:13). I lost the strength to keep going and eventually hit rock bottom. At that point I was so focused on the greatness of my sins that I failed to see the greatness of my Savior. I forgot that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ” (Romans 8:11). I have wasted countless hours worrying about everything from money, to health, or the storms of life, overlooking the truth that “My God will supply all [my] needs according to His riches and glory” (Philippians 4:19). Not to mention the all-consuming fear that I carried around, even months into my recovery journey, dismissing the fact that “God hasn’t given [me] a spirit of fear, but power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).
I have wasted too much time dismissing God’s truths. I know realize that my thoughts and words must be aligned with God’s word. I will move forward in victory for “Greater is He that is within me that he that is in the world” ( 1 John 4:4).
I have wasted too much time dismissing God’s truths. I know realize that my thoughts and words must be aligned with God’s word. I will move forward in victory for “Greater is He that is within me that he that is in the world” ( 1 John 4:4).
- Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8)
- Step 4: I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Adjusting My Sails
I wonder how Adam and Eve felt the moment they realized they were naked. How ashamed and broken they must have felt as they hid from God. I know that's how I felt when I entered recovery. Did they mourn all that was lost because of their sin? I mourned and mourned all the pain and disaster and loss that I caused my family. How did they adjust to life outside of garden?
That's the season I'm in now. For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.
How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.
The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride. It all began with a compliment. I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle. ???? It caught me off guard. She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain. In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment. For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day. Well that and a bottle of wine.
Today I was speechless. I cowered. I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't. Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride. How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it? I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see. So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.
That's the season I'm in now. For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.
How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.
The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride. It all began with a compliment. I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle. ???? It caught me off guard. She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain. In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment. For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day. Well that and a bottle of wine.
Today I was speechless. I cowered. I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't. Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride. How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it? I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see. So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands
It's so amazing how God puts in each of us a desire to know our Creator. And God promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him(Jeremiah 29:11). This week I came across a story that reminded me of some of the villages that I've visited. Many years ago, I had the privilege of sharing the gospel in India. Our message was a message of hope as we shared about the God that made the clay that they made their God's out of.
I want to share a story that my girls and I read during our school day this week. We can't stop talking about it as it really touched our hearts.
Chaluba watched with pleasure as the thin shavings of wood curled away from his knife. Surely this would be the best god he had ever made. He had been carving idols ever since he was old enough to hold a knife in his hand, but never before had he made one with such a fierce expression on its face. Chaluba smiled as he carved the thin lines for the eyes, the mouth, and the hands.
I want to share a story that my girls and I read during our school day this week. We can't stop talking about it as it really touched our hearts.
The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands
Chaluba watched with pleasure as the thin shavings of wood curled away from his knife. Surely this would be the best god he had ever made. He had been carving idols ever since he was old enough to hold a knife in his hand, but never before had he made one with such a fierce expression on its face. Chaluba smiled as he carved the thin lines for the eyes, the mouth, and the hands.
Friday, February 8, 2013
New Growth Takes Time
For most of my life I've tried to maintain a perfect image. I was obsessed with how others saw me, and feared they
might view me with the same negativity that I viewed myself. I had many acquaintances, but let few people get to know me. I constantly felt the need to portray my "super mom" image. Even during my lowest points, I appeared to have it together and others were amazed at all that I was "able to accomplish". But truth be told, I wasn't able to live up to my unrealistic expectations or the image longed to portray.
My recovery journey has been quite the opposite experience. I threw away my church mask and am learning to be transparent. I allowed others to see the messiness and ugliness I created, and you know what, they have held my hand on this journey. I have developed true accountability and been blessed with the most amazing friendships.
Last night I was so blessed to hear an amazing Celebrate Recovery testimony. I was reminded that I have to deal with the roots of my issues. Alcoholism was only a surface issue, I need to go deeper. My fear to disappoint and insecurities have entangled me far longer than the wine. I only turned alcohol to ease the stress and mask the pain.
Navigating through recovery is a long journey. To continue moving forward, I must look at my past a bit more closely. Just as I find victory in one area, God seems to peel back another layer that needs to be addressed. I've come so far, yet have a long ways to go. Not that long ago, my life appeared ruined from the storm that surrounded me. My branches were damaged and so much of my life was pruned away, even my ministry. That part was painful.
Last night's testimony restored a new sense of hope. The lady shared of how many lives that God allowed her to play a small role in the healing process. I love how God takes our mess and turns it into a message to reach others. He isn't finished with me. I feel inspired knowing that God still has a plan for my life. He is truly transforming me from the inside out and new growth is appearing. Even though I feel inadequate, I'm learning that my value comes from God and that He longs to use me to make a difference. The transformation is a slow process, but it's a beautiful sight to see vibrant growth, where so much damage has taken place.
My recovery journey has been quite the opposite experience. I threw away my church mask and am learning to be transparent. I allowed others to see the messiness and ugliness I created, and you know what, they have held my hand on this journey. I have developed true accountability and been blessed with the most amazing friendships.
Last night I was so blessed to hear an amazing Celebrate Recovery testimony. I was reminded that I have to deal with the roots of my issues. Alcoholism was only a surface issue, I need to go deeper. My fear to disappoint and insecurities have entangled me far longer than the wine. I only turned alcohol to ease the stress and mask the pain.
Navigating through recovery is a long journey. To continue moving forward, I must look at my past a bit more closely. Just as I find victory in one area, God seems to peel back another layer that needs to be addressed. I've come so far, yet have a long ways to go. Not that long ago, my life appeared ruined from the storm that surrounded me. My branches were damaged and so much of my life was pruned away, even my ministry. That part was painful.
Last night's testimony restored a new sense of hope. The lady shared of how many lives that God allowed her to play a small role in the healing process. I love how God takes our mess and turns it into a message to reach others. He isn't finished with me. I feel inspired knowing that God still has a plan for my life. He is truly transforming me from the inside out and new growth is appearing. Even though I feel inadequate, I'm learning that my value comes from God and that He longs to use me to make a difference. The transformation is a slow process, but it's a beautiful sight to see vibrant growth, where so much damage has taken place.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Setting Boundaries
At times I get so caught up in all that I have to do that my "to do list" becomes my guide. I resort to an "auto pilot" state, one where I wasted many years, just coasting through life. Another pattern that I'm seeing is a life of codependency. I've spent too many hours thinking how can I make someone else's life better. In a sense I want to fix everyone, but in reality, the only person that I can change is myself.
This morning's devotional reading really hit home. It was about Moses, a man that I consider to be a great leader. I really relate to his "excuses" about not wanting to lead, especially the part about being a poor public speaker. But in mind, I always picture him a great leader, often over looking how he developed into a leader. What I realized this morning was that even Moses had a "sponsor" that challenged him to grow and encouraged him along the journey.
Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” (Exodus 18:17-20)
What great advice. If it worked for Moses, I bet it will work for me too. So often I want to take on everything and everyone's problems, but I'm learning that setting boundaries is essential in leadership. The past few weeks, I began to question a boundary that my co-leader and I set about not sponsoring anyone in the CR step study we are leading. Amazingly, all 16 ladies have found a sponsor and they didn't need us to fulfill that role.
I have found that if I want to make an impact, it's more important that I stay connected to God in prayer and meditation, than service. Yes, service is important, but when I allow my service for God, to come before my devotion to Him, I grow weary, empty, and depressed. Even Jesus took time to recharge by spending time alone and praying. For so long I thought I was selfish for wanting my time, but I now realize that I'm happier, healithier, and even a better mommy when I take this time. It gives me rest and better insight on how to handle llife and all the issues that come with it.
This morning's devotional reading really hit home. It was about Moses, a man that I consider to be a great leader. I really relate to his "excuses" about not wanting to lead, especially the part about being a poor public speaker. But in mind, I always picture him a great leader, often over looking how he developed into a leader. What I realized this morning was that even Moses had a "sponsor" that challenged him to grow and encouraged him along the journey.
Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” (Exodus 18:17-20)
What great advice. If it worked for Moses, I bet it will work for me too. So often I want to take on everything and everyone's problems, but I'm learning that setting boundaries is essential in leadership. The past few weeks, I began to question a boundary that my co-leader and I set about not sponsoring anyone in the CR step study we are leading. Amazingly, all 16 ladies have found a sponsor and they didn't need us to fulfill that role.
I have found that if I want to make an impact, it's more important that I stay connected to God in prayer and meditation, than service. Yes, service is important, but when I allow my service for God, to come before my devotion to Him, I grow weary, empty, and depressed. Even Jesus took time to recharge by spending time alone and praying. For so long I thought I was selfish for wanting my time, but I now realize that I'm happier, healithier, and even a better mommy when I take this time. It gives me rest and better insight on how to handle llife and all the issues that come with it.
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