"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."(Phil 4:6-7)/span>
If I truly grasped this, if I truly believed this, I guess I would apply this to all of my fears, even the fear of public speaking. If I had truly surrendered this to God, I wouldn’t be consumed with fear. I’m beginning to realize that this is yet another area that I gave to God, but quickly snatched back and tried to fix myself.
Let me tell you, this is REALLY difficult for me. I have avoided speaking engagemnts at all costs. Just standing in front of a room raises my adreneline as if I were in a life threatening situation.
As I was battling with this fear, my sponsor asked me if I was ready to take the next step,
“Are you ready to try teaching a lesson?"
Seriously. What was she thinking? But of course, she knows me too well. Before I could respond with “ NO THANKYOU,” she tells me to pray about it and let her know what God says.
I contact my best friend for support. She will understand where I’m coming from, or so I thought. Dear friend says, “You are an amazing product of God’s work in you life. I think He’s grooming you for public speaking. You really speak wisdom. This is part of your healing and growth.”
Gulp. That’s the second time this weekend that I’ve been speechless. Can’t I just stay in denial a little bit longer. I don’t want to let go in this area.
Then another sweet sister’s advice: “Try to Declare that you will be calm! Try not to think nervous... delete that word. ‘So we say with confidence, The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:6).
My friends won’t even give me a break. I know [much sarcasm implied] Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to any and all changes God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects. But can’t I avoid this one just a little bit longer?
I’m reminded that Moses had a fear of public speaking. He also tried to avoid it.
Even when he struggled in fear, God still used him. God can still use me. I just have to let Him.
My prayer (which yet another CR sister prayed for me)
Dear God,
Help [me] share [my] story so that [I] have no fear and so that [I] will not so much as trip over a word. Let the power of your Holy Spirit make [my] words sound pure and true to all that hear it. Give [me] peace and comfort and allow [me] to be bold in testament to your holiness and mercy.
Love, Me
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I survived my Testimony
Day 307: The past
few days I have been so stressed and nervous. I finished my testimony almost a month ago, or so I thought. But for the past week I have been editing and changing things. I realized that I forgot some key parts of my story. Then I had to find parts to delete.
Last night I shared my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery Group. I have never been so nervous. At first I was speechless. LOL. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I stood there for a few seconds trying to plot my escape. I was terrified. Even though I'm not a gifted speaker, God still moved and a newcomer's heart was touched. I'm amazed at how God has turned my mess into a message.
Last night I shared my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery Group. I have never been so nervous. At first I was speechless. LOL. I know that sounds strange coming from me. I stood there for a few seconds trying to plot my escape. I was terrified. Even though I'm not a gifted speaker, God still moved and a newcomer's heart was touched. I'm amazed at how God has turned my mess into a message.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Distracted
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God(Psalm 42:1).
Dear God, My desire is to have this same longing for you. I desire to have faith that isn't moved by sight or circumstances. No matter what is happening in the world around me I choose to have faith in you. This type of faith is essential and makes life worth living. As I'm navigating life in the midst of chaos please put a fresh wind in my sails. Love, Me
For the past few weeks, I feel that I have been under a spiritual attack. During this period I have been easily distracted and my temptations have been constant. It’s like I’ve been going through the motions. But I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He wants me to be real.
This morning I read “That's exactly how Satan works. He begins by bombarding our minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, and reasonings. He moves slowly and cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).” (Joyce Meyer)
I honestly believe the enemy is trying to throw everything at me so that I won’t share my testimony tomorrow night. Though I’m very nervous, I know I’m supposed to share. God has turned my mess into a message and I need to share.
Dear God, My desire is to have this same longing for you. I desire to have faith that isn't moved by sight or circumstances. No matter what is happening in the world around me I choose to have faith in you. This type of faith is essential and makes life worth living. As I'm navigating life in the midst of chaos please put a fresh wind in my sails. Love, Me
For the past few weeks, I feel that I have been under a spiritual attack. During this period I have been easily distracted and my temptations have been constant. It’s like I’ve been going through the motions. But I’m reminded that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He wants me to be real.
This morning I read “That's exactly how Satan works. He begins by bombarding our minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, and reasonings. He moves slowly and cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).” (Joyce Meyer)
I honestly believe the enemy is trying to throw everything at me so that I won’t share my testimony tomorrow night. Though I’m very nervous, I know I’m supposed to share. God has turned my mess into a message and I need to share.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Doing Things I don't want to do
I don’t know where to begin. I feel weak & distracted. With all the business of birthdays and preparing to give my testimony, somehow my quiet times have been put on the back burner again. How have I fallen back to this pattern again? It angers me. Am I starting to allow my duties to come before my devotion??? My thoughts are best illustrated in the message translation of Romans 7:16-25.
14-16 Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.
17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve
I’m baffled at my behaviors. My spirit is willing but [my] flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). This has been a reminder of my powerlessness and my need to live one day at a time. I’ve come a long way, but I need to keep moving in the right direction. I realize its time to dig a little deeper and start dealing with some of my root issues. This process takes time. I love how Mark Twain puts it, "A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time."
14-16 Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.
17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?
25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve
I’m baffled at my behaviors. My spirit is willing but [my] flesh is weak” (Mark 14:38). This has been a reminder of my powerlessness and my need to live one day at a time. I’ve come a long way, but I need to keep moving in the right direction. I realize its time to dig a little deeper and start dealing with some of my root issues. This process takes time. I love how Mark Twain puts it, "A habit cannot be tossed out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs one step at a time."
Friday, September 14, 2012
If We Are the Body
At our CR leadership meeting we completed a survey about our personal leadership characteristics. I was amazed at the diversity. There are people in the group that are complete opposites of me. I’ll admit that my first thought was a bit judgmental and I hoped that this activity would help people discover their weaknesses.
WOW. How I missed the mark. As Christians we are vital parts of the same body, and we must embrace the diversity. We have different personalities, abilities, & even flaws. We may not understand and appreciate all the unique traits, but we are disabling the body if we allow these differences to hinder us from working together. If one of us fails to do our part, the entire body is hurt.
WOW. How I missed the mark. As Christians we are vital parts of the same body, and we must embrace the diversity. We have different personalities, abilities, & even flaws. We may not understand and appreciate all the unique traits, but we are disabling the body if we allow these differences to hinder us from working together. If one of us fails to do our part, the entire body is hurt.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
It's OK to Grieve
I long to be a woman after God’s own heart, but right now I
have to walk by faith and night by sight. Right now I drained and don’t “feel” like
doing anything. I can’t quite explain
it, but I’m aware that something is different.
I talked with my sponsor and she suggested that I might be
experiencing depression. NOT ME. I’m happy.
I’m recovered. I’m doing great. The suggestion put me on the defense. How dare her.
But truth be told, I think she is right. Depression causes spiritual withdrawal, and
that’s what I’m experiencing. In the
past, this would be the time that I slowly start to isolate myself, and try to
hide my pain. But through Celebrate
Recovery, I’ve learned that being
transparent with my sisters (accountability team), is essential. Bottling up my feelings can be self
destructive and quickly take me back to the broken road.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Zealous for Him
How are my days going by so quickly? I think I’m falling into the trap of laziness. I get a few things done, but not much. This is out of character for me. Usually, I’m over committed and responsible. Lately, I appear to be procrastinating on all of the big projects that I want to complete.
The thing that concerns me is that I seem to be following the same pattern when it comes to my walk in Christ. 2012 is a year that I have set aside to regroup, focus on my recovery, and get back to the basics in my relationship with God. This has been a year of respite, refocus, and devotion. I have grown so much and let go of all the baggage that I was trying to hang on to. I’m learning to trust God and no longer try to control things on my own. Sounds great, but I’m realizing that when I’m focused, being responsible, and doing well on my recovery, I’m also having great quiet times. But when I get lazy, like the past few days, I tend to get lazy with my devotion time. I’ve still been reading my Bible but not with the same level commitment. It seems that the attitudes that I carry in my daily life are the same ones that I have towards my spiritual relationship.
The thing that concerns me is that I seem to be following the same pattern when it comes to my walk in Christ. 2012 is a year that I have set aside to regroup, focus on my recovery, and get back to the basics in my relationship with God. This has been a year of respite, refocus, and devotion. I have grown so much and let go of all the baggage that I was trying to hang on to. I’m learning to trust God and no longer try to control things on my own. Sounds great, but I’m realizing that when I’m focused, being responsible, and doing well on my recovery, I’m also having great quiet times. But when I get lazy, like the past few days, I tend to get lazy with my devotion time. I’ve still been reading my Bible but not with the same level commitment. It seems that the attitudes that I carry in my daily life are the same ones that I have towards my spiritual relationship.
Monday, September 3, 2012
The More I seek you
So quickly life gets busy and the schedule gets full. Where do we draw the line? Too many things occupy our time. Too many things are distractions, taking us
away from our first love. It doesn’t
have to be negative things or enticing things that distract us. It can be activities, family time, entertainment,
even service for God. Yes, even ministry
can distract us from intimacy and quality time with our Savior.
How do we find a healthy balance? How do we succeed at loving Him with all of
our being? We cannot walk around
aimlessly, hoping that all will balance out.
We must make it a priority to put God first, then prioritize our time
for family, self, others, and the endless responsibilities.
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