“How many times have I cried out to God to take this storm away? How many times have I wondered how I got to wear I am?” Too many to count.
But the thing is, though it’s not always easy, God is teaching to be content in all circumstances. Being thankful during the good times is easy, but I have never been thankful for the trials and difficult times that have come my way. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12.
So as I move forward, I can have confidence in Him. He will not give me more than I can bear. Each step I take, He is holding my hand and restoring me. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). I’m so thankful for this promise. I know that my God is transforming me and making me strong in Him. He is softening my heart. The grace that He has poured out on me is overflowing. My once judgmental attitude has shifted and is full of mercy for others.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
My Hiding Place
I get so frustrated with myself. Almost 16 months into my recovery for alcoholism and the temptation returns. I really thought I was passed this. It’s been months since I've had a real craving, but this week has been a struggle. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. I’m not sure where the desire came from, but it has been very strong. I believe it started with a simple out of town invitation. It was from one of my best friends, a friend that has been my side through life’s many ups and downs.
My friend is fully aware of my addiction and would never intentionally put me in an uncomfortable situation. But somehow I built things up in my mind and started thinking about the possibility of being around alcohol.
My thoughts became consumed with alcohol, so much that eventually I dreamed about drinking again. That scared me; it angered me. My initial reaction was to isolate. I was so embarrassed that I was still dealing with this. But I know better than to keep thoughts like this to myself so I shared with my accountability partner and husband. But the desires continued and I was still craving a glass of wine. I shared my struggle with my open share group, but still no relief. As I prayed, I knew that I had to guard myself and the trip was not an option at this time.
I reached out to my sponsor. Love her advice & reminders. "That won’t be the last time you will think about drinking, but God is helping create healthy boundaries of where you can go and do well and where you can’t. Once you tell your friend that you aren't going, the obsession should subside. It’s just part of the disease/flesh. As long as you don’t drink – It’s a good day!"
Great advice but do I really have to tell my friend??? The old me tried to sneak in. I’ll just make an excuse not to go. After all, I already the trip is the same day as the opening to the Celebrate Recovery movie Home Run. She would understand. But just as the thoughts crossed my mind, I knew it was not the right response. The Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I want to be healed. With tears, I told my friend the truth and immediately peace came. Of course my friend was full of grace and understanding.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m amazed at the peace I have. I have been blessed with the most amazing support team. God is holding my hand and delivering me and making me stronger.
Oh Lord! You are my refuge and deliver. I come to you with all my struggles and pain. You give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You take my brokenness and heal me. You are my hiding place.
My friend is fully aware of my addiction and would never intentionally put me in an uncomfortable situation. But somehow I built things up in my mind and started thinking about the possibility of being around alcohol.
My thoughts became consumed with alcohol, so much that eventually I dreamed about drinking again. That scared me; it angered me. My initial reaction was to isolate. I was so embarrassed that I was still dealing with this. But I know better than to keep thoughts like this to myself so I shared with my accountability partner and husband. But the desires continued and I was still craving a glass of wine. I shared my struggle with my open share group, but still no relief. As I prayed, I knew that I had to guard myself and the trip was not an option at this time.
I reached out to my sponsor. Love her advice & reminders. "That won’t be the last time you will think about drinking, but God is helping create healthy boundaries of where you can go and do well and where you can’t. Once you tell your friend that you aren't going, the obsession should subside. It’s just part of the disease/flesh. As long as you don’t drink – It’s a good day!"
Great advice but do I really have to tell my friend??? The old me tried to sneak in. I’ll just make an excuse not to go. After all, I already the trip is the same day as the opening to the Celebrate Recovery movie Home Run. She would understand. But just as the thoughts crossed my mind, I knew it was not the right response. The Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I want to be healed. With tears, I told my friend the truth and immediately peace came. Of course my friend was full of grace and understanding.
I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m amazed at the peace I have. I have been blessed with the most amazing support team. God is holding my hand and delivering me and making me stronger.
Oh Lord! You are my refuge and deliver. I come to you with all my struggles and pain. You give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You take my brokenness and heal me. You are my hiding place.
You Are My Hiding Place (Sara Groves)
Early when the day is new
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty (??-through the) pain
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong
And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty (??-through the) pain
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now
Friday, March 15, 2013
"Awake My Soul"
I'm sitting here at a beautiful resort, relaxing. That's why I'm here, taking time for respite, to get refueled. I had to learn the importance of Sabbath, or resting the hard way.
For years I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I honestly thought that I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. The thing is I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. I got lost along the way. My bones were dried up. My Hope was lost. I had been cut off. (Ezekiel 37:11).
Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story. God resurrected me from the pit. He brought new life to the dead places in my life. Part of me wishes that I had learned this lesson sooner. Maybe I would have had the strength to keep going if I hadn't tried to rely on my strength. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the loss that I experienced. But then again, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have this testimony to share with others. I may have caused the fire that overtook me, but my God is able to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1 - 3)
For years I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I honestly thought that I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. The thing is I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. I got lost along the way. My bones were dried up. My Hope was lost. I had been cut off. (Ezekiel 37:11).
Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story. God resurrected me from the pit. He brought new life to the dead places in my life. Part of me wishes that I had learned this lesson sooner. Maybe I would have had the strength to keep going if I hadn't tried to rely on my strength. Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the loss that I experienced. But then again, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have this testimony to share with others. I may have caused the fire that overtook me, but my God is able to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1 - 3)
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Simple Life - An Oxymoron
So my teacher guide suggested a simple paper mâché project to go along with our in depth study of Charlotte's web. Simple, really? Now that's an oxymoron. I think the author placed a hidden camera in the guide and is laughing at us.
Day 1 Confession: I made the girls clean up the huge mess before taking pictures. As I looked at the pictures, I realized that they didn't portray the true picture. Once again I found myself trying to hide the mess and portray a pretty picture.
Day 1: First, we created a base for our pig. We taped half toilet paper rolls on balloons. This in itself was a project. Then the homemade glue turned out clumpy. A leg broke off one of the pigs. As my daughter holds her beloved pig so I can repair the leg. Now her shirt is now covered in glue. By the end of the ordeal there was even glue in my hair.
Day 1 Confession: I made the girls clean up the huge mess before taking pictures. As I looked at the pictures, I realized that they didn't portray the true picture. Once again I found myself trying to hide the mess and portray a pretty picture.
Day 2: Pigs sat on table staring at us. I ignored them, insisting they needed more time to dry.
Day 2 Confession: Today, I'm avoiding the mess that I created. I'm ready to give up on this project
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Heal the Wound Leave the Scar
Last week I cut accidentally cut my hand, very badly. At first I kind of downplayed it, after all, it didn’t really hurt. I didn’t realize that my hand was numb and that the wound was much deeper than it first appeared. It needed to be cleansed and tended to. That’s when I realized the depth of the cut. That’s when the pain and even fear occurred.
I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?
So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.
So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.
I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?
So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.
So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.
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