A couple of days ago an unexpected knock at the door caused the “old me” to momentarily sneak in. It was animal control. Evidentially the neighbors aren’t very happy with our barking dog. Immediately, I was defensive and was quick to make it know that there are several barking dogs in the area. I assured them that are dog is inside most of the time. The complaint was marked as no violation.
Throughout out the day I was annoyed. Why didn’t they attempt
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I Refuse (Josh Wilson)
I woke up excited, ready for the Celebrate Recovery One day training in Dallas. The anticipation and excitement were overflowing. Then all of a sudden, the joy disappeared. How can one song trigger such deep emotion?
Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them.
Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has
Instantly, the tears came as I recalled some very special people. Passion stirred up for part of my life that has been pruned away, as I began missing my forever family. I quickly prayed and thanked God for taking care of them and protecting them.
Then my thoughts turned inward. Throughout my recovery journey God has
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Why I Journal
I’m a bit high strung and always on the move. I talk fast, walk fast, even eat & drink fast. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but sometime I try the same approach when it comes to spending time with Jesus. Journaling causes me to slow down and evaluate my day and get more in touch with my innermost thoughts. It allows me to see areas where I’m getting distracted. As I examine my day, it gives me valuable insight to the choices I made.
I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly. I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose
I’ve been in recovery for 18 months and wish that I that I journaled regularly. I'm well on the road of recovery in the area of alcoholism, but I need keep my guard up. I don't want to lose
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
"Who Am I" - Les Misérables
I’m moving forward on my recovery journey, but to be honest, I’m still having a bit of an identity crisis. For so long I put up barricades to protect myself. I hid behind my perfect image, isolating myself from others. I was afraid to let others see the real me. Today, I’m learning to be transparent about my struggles and let others in, but have a hard time knowing when to share and when it’s ok to keep quiet.
I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.
When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.
I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.
When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.
Monday, June 10, 2013
I Dream A Dream - Les Misérables
Last night my husband and I watched Les Misérables. What an incredible story of courage, grace, and redemption! I’ve seen the musical and movie before, but this time it penetrated my heart in a deeper way. Now I have more of a firsthand understanding of the grace displayed. Only a year ago I was still struggling, like Javert. I was trapped in my own legalism unable to accept grace and forgiveness. Today, my life more relates to Jean Valjean, I have been transformed by grace and it overflows to those around me. I’m even learning to give myself more grace when I fall short.
Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes.
“I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.”
Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.
“…the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.”
Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes.
“I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.”
Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.
“…the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.”
Friday, June 7, 2013
The Gift of Time
“Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.” Rick Warren
Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I
going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.
Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.
I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!
Since the funeral I can’t stop thinking about that little dash between the dates of our birth to the last day of our life. It stands for so much as it clearly depicts how we lived our life. How am I
going to spend my life? I realize that every day, every heart beat is a gift from God. I want to invest my time in the life others, especially my family. But all too often I find myself wasting time or spending too much on things that don’t really matter.
Overall I had a good day, but I need to make more of an effort to stay focused on the tasks at hand. I feel a little discouraged that I didn’t accomplish all that I planned to this week. I need to find the proper balance between CR, homeschooling, and home life. I have 24 hours per day that I must use wisely.
I see my daughter’s growing up before my eyes. I wish that I could slow it down, but I can’t. What I can do is make of the most of each day. As I look into their innocent eyes I realize I don’t need to push them so much. . Even in our studies, we need to find more of a balance between learning and enjoying our time together. Luckily I have the privilege to do both as I’m homeschooling them. I love seeing their faces light up as we learn new things. I love being guiding them through difficult areas and celebrating with them as they master those concepts. As we move forward I need to remember how I spend my time with them will impact how they relate to others. So today I choose slow down and make relationships a priority. Making memories that last – Priceless!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Giving Grace to myself
I'm so much more laid back and accepting the fact that I will never be perfect. But when I have rough days like yesterday I get very agitated with myself. I feel like I shouldn't have those struggles. Ugh. I need to give myself more grace. Joyce Meyer paraphrased it like this “God doesn’t have a bad attitude toward you—and you shouldn’t have one toward yourself! (1 John 4:9-11)”
Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.
What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.
This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.
I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.
I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved
Why is it easier for me to give grace to those around me than myself? Though this is an area that I need to grow in I’m not going let this bog me down. I can almost hear my sponsor saying, “You’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. Choose to find the good.” Rather, than focus on the negative I’m should thank God for helping me grow in this area – I’ve actually learned to give grace to those around me.
What an important trait to model for my children – freely giving God’s grace to them and others. I spent many, many weeks researching curriculum choices. I had to choose the best. I remember stressing myself out. Somehow my quiet times were more focused on finding the right Bible curriculum than spending time in the Word. Then a wise friend reminded that parents are a child’s first curriculum on God. One again I was focusing my attention in the wrong direction. My words and actions will echo in their hearts louder than any lesson I teach.
This evening was probably one of my favorite nights at CR. I’m not sure what it was but the joy and fellowship with friends was so real. There was so much laughter among us. I’ve seen so many ladies walk through that door just as broken and terrified as I was, but their lives have been transformed and they are enjoying life today. I love how God is in the restoration business and that he cares so much about each of us.
I’ve spent my most of my life so worried about maintaining the “perfect” image, but I’m free to enjoy life right where I am. As I lead the group in the 8 principles, I realized that I had no clue who I was introducing or what was happening next. A few months ago that would have terrified me. Tonight I just smiled and returned to me seat. Of course I laughed as I told my friends I had no clue what was happening next. In the big picture, it really didn’t matter.
I guess I’m finding it easier to give myself grace, it’s a learning process. At times I still feel that I don’t deserve it. But that’s the thing about grace – it’s undeserved
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Daily Inventory & Journaling
Sometimes in life things catch you off guard and you find yourself totally unprepared to deal with it. That’s kind of where I am right now, feeling tired and beaten down. Honestly, I really don’t even feel like journaling today. I’m beginning to feel that I need to take a break from the business of life and just slow down for a bit.
I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.
Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?
Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.
I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.
Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9)
Step 10: I continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it. “So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!: (1 Corinthians 10:12).
I started my day with prayer and meditation and the day started off ok, but slowly the painful reminders and grief kicked in. I started really missing my sponsor. At first I tried to ignore the feelings and kept pushing through the day. As I attempted to suppress the hurt, I grew irritable and frustrated. Rather than take a time out, like I suggest to my sponsees, I kept going. Eventually I snapped at my daughters over uncompleted chores and blamed them for causing us to leave later than I wanted. What went wrong? My heart was heavy yet I tried to pretend all was ok. I have an amazing support team, but I didn’t reach out or share my struggle until step study. Somehow the enemy knows when to attack and finds me at the moments that I’m most vulnerable. For some reason these usually occur when I’m about to step outside of my comfort zone in leading.
Tonight, I was leading the sponsor training for the first time. I really didn’t even want to look at my notes since my sponsor was the one who helped me prepare for this. Everything in there was a reminder of who she was. I showed up to step study & I tried to forget that I had a rough afternoon, but as the devotional was being read, I felt guilt and shame. How was I supposed to train these women on sponsorship, when I needed to apologize (make amends) with my daughters?
Rather than let the enemy rob me of the rest of my joy and peace, I took a moment to go apologize to my girls, hug them, and reassure them of my love. Of course they were forgiving and my oldest even knew I wasn’t upset at her but was really sad and missing my friend.
I then told God how I felt and asked him to speak through me tonight. I had nothing left to give and was relying on his strength. As always He was faithful and just. I was able to be transparent with my feelings and struggles throughout the training. I’m beginning to realize that even in the midst of the trials of life, I can turn over all my cares and worries to Him. He is so faithful. His love overrides all fear and discouragement, and I was able to share some of the amazing nuggets of truth that my sponsor shared with me.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
At the Crossroads - Only You
Here I am again at the crossroads (lesson 19) of my recovery journey. It’s time to dig deeper and get more intentional on the daily journaling. During my first step study this was the time that my recovery really took off, the miracle came. I refer to the 7 days of journaling as my miracle week. It was during this intense week of quiet times and self-examination that I finally forgave myself. I was freed of all of my baggage - the guilt, shame, & fears were gone. I was truly set free. As I began to pour out my heart to God and allow my feelings to flow through journaling, I soon realize that a majority of my testimony was written.
This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.
I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.
This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.
I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Cry Out to Jesus
As I think about my sponsor’s life, I’m amazed at the impact she had on so many, many people, I’m overwhelmed. In her 15 years of recovery she impacted 100’s and 100’s of people – that’s more than most reach in a lifetime. I want to be in place where I allow God to use me like this, but somehow I keep getting in the way. I feel like I’m wandering around in the desert, not sure of the next destination. It’s a bit confusing. I know that I don’t want to return to Egypt, my old life of bondage. There is no question in my mind that I need Jesus and want to follow Him. But what does that look like for me? How am I supposed love and serve others? What is the proper balance between serving others, CR, homeschooling, and my roles as a wife & mom? What does it look like to keep my devotion to God before my service for Him? I ran on empty for so long and never want to try to live through a drought again.
I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.
I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.
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