I’ve known God since I was a child, or I thought I did. I have lots of Biblical knowledge, but I’m not sure I truly knew God past His roles as Creator, Father, disciplinarian, and Savior. I often felt intimidation when I heard others speak with authority and conviction on who God was to them. Then I began to play the broken record of lies: you’re not good enough, you walked away, you’re a failure, you will never have that type of relationship with God.
I believe God shows us His unique characteristics at different times in our lives. As my perception of who God is changes, so does my view of myself. After all I was created in the image of God. So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them. (Genesis 1:27). It’s always been easy for me to see God as the creator and sustainer of life, but seeing me in His image is something I’m only beginning to grasp.
As an only child, my family revolved around me, so seeing myself as “the apple of His eye,” was easy to grasp, but somehow in my feeble mind I viewed prayer as a way to manipulate God, in the same way I masterminded my parents to meet my every desire. I didn’t realize that He longed to give me so much more than the desires of my heart. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
I easily identified with the concept of God being my father, after all I had a great relationship with my earthly father. I never realized that my view of God stemmed from the healthy and unhealthy parts of this relationship. My view of God was of a father that loved me unconditionally and wanted the best for me, but I also saw Him as one who was quick to discipline and easily disappointed. Just as I aimed to please my daddy, my relationship with my savior quickly became performance based. I desperately tried to live up to an unrealistic level of expectation that I thought He required.
I’ve spent many years trying to masquerade through life hiding behind a perfect image. I was quick to judge others, while justifying my every action. I failed to see how merciful He was – how He knew His people would fail him miserably, yet he never cast stones. Rather He chose to love the sinner, He chose to love me, in spite of my failures.
Through the trials of life I’ve come to know God as faithful friend that stood by me when most people abandoned me. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). In His faithfulness, He held on to me when my faith was too weak. When I lost the strength to hang on, I discovered that He was still carrying me and would never let me go. He is always there, even when I don’t “feel’ Him, and proves Himself over and over to me in ways that might seem insignificant to others.
God is love. His love is unconditional and nothing I’ve done has decreased this love. This has been difficult to grasp. The closest glimpse of this type of love is the love I have for my children. I love them and want them to experience every joy imaginable. My love doesn’t change based on their performance. I’m beginning to realize that His love for me is so much deeper than this, an intimacy that I’m seeking today.
God is good, all the time, even when His actions and answers don’t line up with my vision or what I think is best. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) Though he doesn’t spare me from all the pain and consequences, He is with me every step of the way. Through trials we come to know Him better and learn to rely on His strength. Though these times may teach us valuable life lessons, I know longer see God as Father waiting to punish my every mistake. I no longer feel the need to hide from Him.
I now know God in a much deeper way. He is my refuge, and protector. I am safe in His arms. He wasn’t trying to teach me a lesson, but was on a rescue mission to help me find my way back. He is my defender and protected me from the enemies that tried to take me down. He became my guide. As painful as this journey has been sometimes you have to lose your way, in order to be lead. He makes everything beautiful in its time, even the messes I’ve created. Somehow he turned the messy canvas of my life into a beautiful masterpiece.
It’s mind boggling to comprehend His perfect balance of justice and mercy; how he loves everyone the same: both the prodigal child and faithful sibling. I want His compassion, mercy and love of everyone, no matter who or what or where they are in life. He has given me forgiveness even though I shamed him so often, and I’m learning to show this mercy to others.
This morning, this season I desire to be in His presences and know Him intimately. I want to trust Him more. He has been an amazing provider in time of need, and I’m ready to trust Him as provider of all. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?(Matthew 6:26). For some reason this has been a stretch for me. I’ve never doubted that God provides for His children, but never experienced this blessing until recently. Somewhere along the way, I was disillusioned into thinking that my parents and husband provided for me, and I deserved all of my materialistic desires. Even my dating profiled stated, I’m an only child and I expect to be spoiled.
I also feel that he desires to show himself as my redeemer, my restorer. I keep getting trapped in my world view, of how it’s too late for certain areas to be restored. Of course I’m still trying to look at these losses through the wrong lens. He sees the big picture. All these things can be beautiful for me if I let Him redeem them. He makes everything new.
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