That's the season I'm in now. For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.
How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.
The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride. It all began with a compliment. I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle. ???? It caught me off guard. She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain. In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment. For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day. Well that and a bottle of wine.
Today I was speechless. I cowered. I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't. Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride. How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it? I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see. So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.
By your side...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Rochelle