I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?
So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.
So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.
Here I am again, ready to dig a little deeper, to receive your healing at an even deeper level. I first came to CR wounded, but through your healing power, most wounds have become scars. Where healing has taken place, the pain is gone. I’m so grateful for how you have delivered me, how far you’ve brought me. Today I feel so much stronger; in the same way that scar tissue is stronger than the skin that surrounds it. The scars are still visible to remind me of the journey and how you were willing to do whatever it took to rescue me, a reminder of how merciful you are. And as I stand in the biggest storm of my life, I realize that this rescue plan was a blessing in disguise.
I wasted months dreaming of how life would be different if I had never taken that first drink, if I never allowed my life to get so out of control. I wanted so badly to go back and fix things. Even after you miraculously freed me from the shame and guilt, I still longed for the opportunity to return. I’m realizing that this hole in my heart is even deeper and began years before.
This emptiness goes far beyond my children that were taken. It began the moment I took my fertility into my hands. I’m full of remorse as I realize how selfish I was. I never talked to you about this decision but rather relied on my own understanding. As I’m reading through the Bible, I’m reminded that you commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. Time and time again, you open wombs as a blessing. Who was I to play God and close my womb? I’m realizing that I’m still carrying bitterness and guilt, even though it looks so differently now.
I believe that the issue at hand is even deeper and lies at the root of my selfish nature. I’ve made so many selfish decisions. I’ve expected those around me to fulfill me unrealistic expectations. At times, I still try to push my children to achieve the same unrealistic expectations that I’ve always set for myself. I don’t want to be like this. Help me to find the proper balance of being my best versus being the best. You were made perfect so I don't have to be.
At times my selfish nature still causes me to be too self-reliant, trying to do things on my own. This isn’t how I want to live. I want to be completely surrendered to you, to rely on you. At times I get distracted; I get caught up in the business and fall back into the old habit of completing tasks in my strength; even though I know that I’m nothing without you.
You’ve got my heart; you’ve got my attention. I don’t want to wander away again. I don’t want to get distracted. For too long I stumbled around in the dark. Show me what I need, where to focus during this step study. You know exactly what I need, before I even ask.
I know that you have called me to this place, right here, right now. I still feel inadequate about leading this step study, but I think that’s exactly where you want me. I know that I’ll never make a difference if I try this it in my strength. I have to lean on you; I truly need to you to guide me on this journey. I desperately need more of you & less of myself. Help me to realize that my value truly comes from you and how you choose to use me. I’m so tired of dealing with this inferiority complex. All too often I get too caught up in how others see me. Help me not to worry about the way I look, or how others see me, or what the future might bring. You take care of the birds and flowers, and I know that you will always take care of me. Help me to trust you in you alone.
For the first time in my life I have no preconceived ideas of what this should look like. I’m ready to lay this down, to allow healing to take place. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. Open my eyes to see what you see in me. Help me to not be lazy or impatient, but to truly dig deeper as you pull back the next layer of my life. I wish there was a way to avoid the pain that comes during this time, but unfortunately the temporary pain helps close the wound and creates a way for permanent healing. “God, I call to you for help, and you will heal me.” [You] bore my sins” on the cross, so that [I] might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by [your] wounds [I] have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24). Father God, Guide me through this healing process again.
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139;23-24)
Love, Me
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This song is so me. Every line, but God has delivered me from the baggage of guilt & shame,
Heal the Wound (Point of Grace)
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful, how merciful you are
I am broken torn apart, take the pieces of this
heart, and heal the wound but leave the scar,
leave the scar
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering
Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar
a reminder of how merciful, how merciful you are
I am broken torn apart, take the pieces of this
heart, and heal the wound but leave the scar,
leave the scar
Girl, if you could only see what I see when I look into your eyes...keep walking forward, and you will!!
ReplyDeleteLove you much...no matter what.
Holly