It’s been 4 weeks since my last entry. On June 21 the fresh wound of my sponsor’s death, was ripped open again. Since then I have been avoiding my feelings by trying not feel anything. I have felt very disconnected. I have allowed deceptive thinking to pull me down and resentment to form. The past few weeks I have been going through the motions but hitting a road block in ALL areas in my life.
Yesterday, I shared my heart with my accountability team. I finally allowed myself to
mourn rather than avoid the pain. This morning I sought prayer from a mighty team of women. WOW! The first verse declared over me was Isaiah 61:3:
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He might be glorified.
That gave me chills. Not only did this speak directly to me, it’s also the verse behind my sponsor’s favorite song. I can almost hear her comforting me with the words: “He gives beauty for ashes, Strength for fear. Gladness for mourning. Peace for despair.”
God is so faithful. The moment I reached out to Him, He wrapped his arms of love around me. I don't know why I keep trying to handle things in my own strength, but I'm thankful that I'm learning to admit my wrongs (step 10). How I wish I could talk to my sponsor face to face to make amends for the resentment that started to form, but unfortunately that isn't possible.
Dear Sponsor,
Today I miss you more than words can say. The past few weeks have been so difficult. Old patterns of avoidance and pretending to be ok have resurfaced, but truthfully I’m hurting and angry. So many questions and mixed emotions about why you were taken from us are flooding my mind. I can almost hear your voice telling me that I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective, but I’m having difficulty seeing clearly right now.
What I'm realizing is that I don't have to understand everything or try to figure it out. But I don't want to miss the lesson either. Above all else, your death reminds me to keep my devotion to God before my service for Him. As I mature into leadership I cannot allow pride to get in the way. I must remain true my recovery and be willing to share my hurts my struggles with my support team.
Tonight I choose to lay down the anger, bitterness, and guilt I have surrounding your death. I so wish that I could talk to you and tell you how sorry I am for allowing resentment to sink in. Your untimely death doesn’t take away from the life you led. So today I choose to be thankful for the time I shared with you. As my mentor, I unfairly put you on a pedestal. I saw you as the mighty warrior for God that you are, overlooking the fact that you were still human. I choose to forgive you for not reaching out when you needed it most. I choose to forgive myself for not being there during your time of pain.
I'm so thankful that as children of God, we are not defined by the mistakes we've made. Our identity comes from who we are in Christ. What a legacy you’ve left behind. You inspired me to keep moving forward no matter what comes my way. You encouraged me to sift through the rubble of my life and see beauty in the ashes.
You were truly love, when no one else was there. You were Jesus to me during a very difficult season. You modeled the life of recovery and because of you, I have the desire to give it all I have. The time you shared, the wisdom you gave, and the faith you shown have blessed me more thank you know. Thank you for pointing me to Him and showing me how to love during difficult seasons. I love you and miss you. Don’t forget to save a seat for me.
Love, Me
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