This weekend I attended a women’s retreat called Infusion - Filled to overflowing. WOW! I’m not sure where to begin. This experience has been AMAZING.
We were asked to write down our needs for the weekend. Really? I’m here to relax. I never thought about my needs or expectations. Hmm. I need to be filled to overflowing. I need to slow down & intentionally listen. I need complete healing.
Of course tears start to trickle as I wrote the last words. Once again I buried my emotions and tried to pretend all was well. But in reality, the what might have been’s were creeping in. Here I am in “that” ballroom. Just a year ago I was here in this very room. I was a proud mommy of 3 southern belles and 2 Am erican Patriots. My adorable 5 kiddos adorned the cutest costumes at the party. How things have changed. For a moment I allowed myself to grieve. There is still part me of that misses the life I once had. I wonder what things would be like today, if they were still part of my life. I wonder how they are doing and who they are becoming. I wonder about the people that are taking care of them and are tucking them in at night. Do they realize that there are angels in their presence?
Here I am today, in a crowded room feeling sad and a bit lonely. There is only one person here that knows my pain and the memories that I’m reliving. I’m so thankful to have Rochelle here. She is that friend that knows my innermost secrets and still rejoices when I rejoice and mourns when I mourn (Romans 12:15 ). It’s no coincidence that the evening session was on friendship and next to me is the person that I have shared my “basement” – all the messy & hidden parts of my life.
Have you ever been in a place where a message was so directed at you that it felt like you and the speaker were sitting together. This retreat was that feeling. The room, the people, they all began to vanish as Shauna Niequist and I talked about my life. She opened my eyes to the fact that I’ve spent so much time missing out on special things, because I was too busy waiting, too busy dreaming about the next big thing. Each season of life I miss out on some of the enjoyment, as I’m too busy focusing on the horizon and what lies ahead.
Even now, during this season, I get consumed with fear and worry when I think about the possible consequences. I begin to think how peaceful it will feel when this is behind me. As a result I miss out on part of the blessings that He has for me, right here, right now.
I almost missed out on another blessing, another part of my healing. There was a woman that I didn’t expect to see. A woman that I have been avoiding because she represents all that has been taken. Every time I see her I’m reminded of the life I miss. She is a person that even in the business of everything, still finds time to get away for refueling. As my emotions boiled, Rochelle and I quickly moved tables. God had to smile, as I tried to avoid her, the feelings, the pain. Once again He waited patiently for me to discover that freedom could be found in this moment.
After the evening session, I approached her and shared a glimpse of the messiness of my life. She had no clue who I was. She had no idea that her number had been given to me the summer of 2011. Oh how I wish I would have reached out to her then. How I needed her wisdom on how to balance it all. But I didn’t call, I didn’t reach out, my pride wouldn’t allow it. I had to figure it out all on my own. And once again, God was faithful. He allowed our paths to cross on October 17th at a hair salon. We exchanged a few words, but it wasn’t until I was in my car that I realized that I just spoke to the same person I was supposed to call a few months earlier. I wept at the miraculous meeting, yet was too embarrassed to go back. Things were already getting complicated, and I thought my life was too messy for someone like her. But to be honest, if I could go back to that very moment, I would run back into the salon and pour it all out there.
Unfortunately I cannot go back to that moment, but I’m thankful that I didn’t miss this one. I was able to tell her all that I felt and how God keeps bringing her across my path. Though I wasn’t ready to bring her into the mess that has become, I asked her to pray for me. And she did. I no longer feel the need to avoid her. Tonight I gained a sister in Christ and a sense of freedom with our tearful embrace.
What happened in that moment was the result of obedience. I almost missed it. I wonder how many times that I have been distracted and missed out on blessings. Tonight I discovered something beautiful. God has something special in store, right now.
My prayer: "The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have All that remains
So here I am What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am hat's left of me"
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have All that remains
So here I am What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am hat's left of me"
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