The uncontrollable urges to binge and purge came out of nowhere, and caught me off guard. My first reaction was disbelief, since I had been successful in this area for almost 5 months.
Then I began to justify how it was only a minor relapse and that this area is so different than my addictions. I’ve truly been delivered from my alcohol addiction (11 months of sobriety) & I’ve abstained from diet pills for over a year now. The few timed that I’ve craved alcohol I immediately reached out to my sponsor and accountability partner. When I sense possible triggers, I reach out and share my concerns of possible temptation.
But I really haven’t talked about my eating disorder. I’ve tried to avoid the struggles; after all I only had a mild case. I’ve also avoided discussing the slip-ups because relapse was not an option in my mind. The perfectionist side of me expected that I would be the person that never relapsed in any area. I was usually a straight A student so why wouldn’t I be the perfect recovery participant?
But the truth of the matter is that I haven’t truly dealt with my eating disorder. I mentioned it in recovery and stopped the actions. I asked God for forgiveness, but never dealt with the root issues or causes. I haven’t dealt with the fact that I eat way too much and then hate myself afterwards. I haven’t dealt with my negative self-image and how I’ve hidden behind a false of sense of pride, most of my life.
This relapse was triggered by my weight gain and low self-esteem. I tried to diet – the healthy way and it worked for a few days. When the hunger pains kicked in, the overwhelming desire to eat won. Then my thoughts were consumed with all of the extra calories. I kept telling myself that this will be the last time. Then I justified that wasn’t harming my body, since I was getting plenty of nutrition. But deep down, I felt guilty. I know that this is another area that I must truly let God’s light shine so that I can truly recover in this area.
As I was praying today, I felt guilty for not being honest with my support team. Why have I not reached out to my sponsor? I had planned on telling her during our last meeting, but we were working on more serious issues of resentment. Well that’s how I justified not telling her. I think I’m more ashamed now, because I’m in CR leadership and should be an example for those around me. Then I feel guilty because I’m about to share my testimony again and don’t know how to address this part. I should have this under control by now. How did this happen? "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out (Rom. 7:18-19).
After 4 slips ups, I’m finally realizing that I have to reach out and share my struggles in this area. I know that I cannot deal with this on my own. I’ve read that relapses are a normal part of eating disorder recovery, so I will no longer be discouraged. I will reach out and use this as yet another learning experience on my recovery journey.
Dear God,
Forgive me for taking back another area that I surrendered to you. Forgive me for giving the wrong impression and not being completely transparent. Forgive me for trying to do this part on my own. Forgive me for feeling worthless or not good enough. Help me to see myself how you see me, as your masterpiece. Help to not focus on my failures but walk in your victory. Help me to have the mind of Christ.
Love, Me
It's not how many times you fall that matters but how many times you get back up that counts. ~Grace Hatton
I walked away from my phone last night and didn't see your text to call until this morning.
ReplyDeleteYou are on the path to seeing the Hope that God sees and moving forward everyday. I wish you could see the Hope that I see :) She is beautiful- an amazing friend, encourager, and spiritual partner in my life and recovery. This post is a remarkable example of your transparency, and desire to seek Him first.
I love you very much and I am so honored that you are my friend.
2 Corinthians 7:10
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
Rochelle