I’ve come so far, but beginning to realize how that I still have a long journey ahead. As I look in the mirror I still see me – a woman that is still way too consumed with myself. I spend way too much time in my head, analyzing every thought, every move, every insignificant part of my day rather than just seeking God’s Word. I find myself getting stressed about all that is left undone. I see myself trying to procrastinate and avoid the heaviness of my heart. During my daily inventory and devotion time, I started to get a little discouraged. Somehow in the business of the day, nothing really significant happened. We ran errands, met a friend for lunch, and wrapped up the loose ends from last weeks’ lesson plans. All in all, it was an ok day.
When my husband came home, I somehow added to the stress of his new job. In my mind I was only trying to figure out how we were going to coordinate our schedules around the one car, but to him it was another added burden. I quickly realized that once again I’m having unrealistic expectations. I kind of imagined that this new job with new hours, would be the healing our marriage needed. Unfortunately, I’m realizing that this emptiness I feel isn’t going to lift anytime soon. I can’t explain it. My husband and I get along fairly well and seldom argue. Since CR, I’ve learned to approach him and discuss my feelings before bitterness and resentment take root. My sponsor guided me through a few resentment inventories regarding my husband and today I can honestly say I love him, have forgiven him of past hurts, and let go of resentments. But I still feel lonely in my marriage. We’ve come through so much and have an amazing testimony that I know God will use to inspire others. But right now we seem stuck.
Before CR I had isolated myself from others, and my husband was my only friend in the metroplex. When he didn’t have time to fill the void in my life, I turned to alcohol to ease the pain. That grew into a vicious cycle that led me to my rock bottom experience. My husband stood by my side. He loved me, encouraged me, and never judged me during that rocky season. He has held my hand on my recovery journey and totally supports the role CR plays in my life. But somewhere in the process, I feel that I’ve lost my best friend. He’s no longer the one that I run to and share the highs and lows of my day. Is that healthy? In the past I expected, I needed my husband to fill that role, and when he didn’t’ I was empty and depressed. Now I have amazing friends that I share my life with. I still want to share with my husband, but during this season he doesn’t seem to have the energy for that and tries to change the topic if the conversation gets too deep. When I bring it up, it’s clear that he doesn’t intentionally hurt me or keep me at a distance. He’s walking through another job transition and just needs his personal time to unwind.
Tonight, I find myself really missing my sponsor. These are the types of feelings I shared with her and she had a way of getting me out of my “stinking thinking.” I can almost hear her voice encouraging me to cry out to Jesus. I'm so thankful that I can talk to God and be honest about my feelings. He is always there ready to wrap his arms of love around me.
Father God, Tonight I need you to be my strength and hope. I need you to heal my heart and fill this void I’m experiencing. It's an amazing feeling to realize that you are with me through everything in my life. Thank you for caring about me. As I’m crying out to you right now, I’m so grateful that I know you hear me. Numerous times you have heard my cry and delivered me from my troubles (Psalm 34:17). Thank you for taking care of me and doing for me what I’m unable to do on my own. Show me how to take my eyes off my feelings and circumstance while focusing on you. Show me to proper balance for my life. Show me how to love as you love. Enable me to “be strong in [You] and in the power of [your] might “ (Ephesians 6:10). Love, Me
Cry out to Jesus - Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
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