I’m not proud of the fact that I’m an alcoholic. When I think about it, I get embarrassed and cannot believe that I allowed my life to get out of control. There are still times that I want to “ conceal myself for ever more. Pretend I’m not the [wo]man I was before?” But my life is a story of redemption that must be shared. God never wastes a hurt.
When I entered recovery my thoughts were consumed with self-condemnation. “How can I ever face my fellow man? How can I face myself again.” I honestly wanted to stay in isolation and hide. Slowly I accepted God’s forgiveness and eventually forgave myself.
The next hurdle was facing the idea of sharing my story. In Les Misérables, there were many scenes that brought tears to my eyes. One was how Jean Valjean came clean about who he was without worrying about the price. At times I’m hesitant to share my story as I think about possible consequences or worry how others will accept me.
I realize that I’m no longer defined by the mistakes I’ve made, and I’m learning to surrender to his call in this area. He want to use my mess as a message to reach others. I’m beginning to embrace who I am in Chirst and even step outside of my comfort zone. This isn't easy since I don't see myself as a leader. Leadership is an area that I’ve always shied away from, but I’m learning to rely on His strength. I’m so thankful that my CR team is patient with me in this area. The leaders continue to model grace and guidance as I inch forward. I’m still hesitant in this area, but realize that my life is not my own. “My soul belongs to God, I know. I made that bargain long ago. He gave me hope when hope was gone. He gave me strength to journey on.” God has given me a new beginning and I will follow wherever He leads.
Who am I? I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, celebrating recovery in alcoholism & an eating disorder & the need to masquerade through life trying to maintain my perfect image.
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