This time I’m at a place where I want to truly dig deeper and allow Him to mend anything that is still broken. It isn’t the time to stop or get lazy on this journey, it’s the time to take up my cross and follow Him. I desire to be a reflection of God’s amazing grace. As I examine my day, I want to look at my action under the light of God, His will, and how He would have me serve those around me.
I can’t stop thinking about all the testimonies from people that were impacted by my sponsor. I’ve never met someone like her, someone that spent her life guiding others out of darkness. The desire to pick up the torch magnified deep within me. I’m just not sure what that means or looks like, but I aspire to live more intentionally as I learn to love like Jesus does.
This begins with my daughters. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the things that have to be covered that I lose sight of what is truly important. Today one of my friend’s posts was just what I needed. “Pray that they see Jesus in me. Some lessons are better caught than taught. I can force devotions, etc, but the best thing I can to is to let God love them through me.” WOW! I’ve been so busy guiding them along the educational journey that I think we’ve over looked some of the precious nuggets of truth and love that are so vibrant in the lessons we’re studying. SO today we slowed down. We cuddled a little longer during our read-a-loud time, we finally started that leaf collection we’ve been talking about for weeks, and I even let them make a mess as they decorated our “North America“ cake. Though it might take a bit of imagination for some to see the North America on our cake, My girls were proud of their creation. It may seem a bit messy and have a few cracks, but to my girls it was perfect – another demonstration of how our creator views us.
This evening was the monthly CR TEAM meeting. I love being part of this and having the opportunity to serve and lead in a program that has impacted my life so greatly. I love the leaders and feel comfortable in this small group and am even starting to open up and share in the discussions, but I still find myself suppressing my silly & fun side in group settings.
Before coming to CR I had truly isolated myself from others. I was around children all the time as I was homeschooling my daughters and a few other children. The few adult conversations I had were limited topics surrounding education. When I started to open in CR I found it to difficult to share. I often stared at the ground, even in one-on-one conversations. I just wanted to blend in and not draw attention to myself. This is so not me, but became a coping mechanism that I used.
I’m so thankful that I’m emerging again. The thing is, it’s a new me that is emerging. I’ve changed so much that even my personality is changing. My once judgmental attitude has been replaced with an attitude of grace. I spent so many years trying to maintain that perfect image and was constantly comparing myself to others. By judging others I was able to hide my own hypocrisy. Now that I’ve stepped back and realized how human I am and how much grace I required, I’m more patient and loving and His amazing grace overflows from my life.
But I’m still very cautious and lacking confidence. For so long I put so much pressure on myself to be the best, or to at least appear the best. "All this time I’ve lived with everything to prove
Now I can’t remember who I had to prove it to." I thought way too highly of myself and I see how that worked out for me. Today I still feel a bit shaky and insecure as I venture forward. I have got to quit putting so much pressure on myself and be ok with the fact that I’m going to make mistakes. I know that the other leaders love and accept me for who I am – my strengths and weaknesses. I hear God saying, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). I’m accepting the call and moving forward, trusting that eventually my feelings and confidence will catch up to where God is leading.
Dear Jesus, Thanks you so much for loving me while I was lost and trying to be my own savior. Thank for loving me so much that you were willing to show up in the midst of my failures to rescue me from myself and the path that I was on. Help me to never take this new freedom for granted. Please direct my steps and help me mature into the woman you want me to be. Guide me as I to grow in confidence in who I am you and to realize that my true beauty come from you. Help me to not to stumble in my old ways of relying on my own understand, but hold my hand as I learn to lean on you each step of the way, as I learn to let go for only you. Love, Me
Only You - Karyn Williams
Standing at a crossroad in the dead of night
Waiting for the dark to fade into the light
Until there’s only You
Til there’s only You
(Verse)
No one here but You and me and all my tears
Will you make me like the air and let me disappear?
So there’s only You
Oh there’s only You
(Chorus)
‘Cause only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know if I’ll ever let go
For only you
(Verse)
I’ve been restless now for hours though it feels like years
Like a shepherd to a lost lamb, You find me here
And there is only You
There is only You
(Chorus)
Only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know how I want to let go
For only you
(Verse)
All this time I’ve lived with everything to prove
Now I can’t remember who I had to prove it to
Lord it’s only You
It’s only You
(Chorus)
Only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know that I’m letting go
For only you
Only You
Only You
Waiting for the dark to fade into the light
Until there’s only You
Til there’s only You
(Verse)
No one here but You and me and all my tears
Will you make me like the air and let me disappear?
So there’s only You
Oh there’s only You
(Chorus)
‘Cause only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know if I’ll ever let go
For only you
(Verse)
I’ve been restless now for hours though it feels like years
Like a shepherd to a lost lamb, You find me here
And there is only You
There is only You
(Chorus)
Only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know how I want to let go
For only you
(Verse)
All this time I’ve lived with everything to prove
Now I can’t remember who I had to prove it to
Lord it’s only You
It’s only You
(Chorus)
Only You mend all that I have broken
Only You hear what I leave unspoken
Only You know that I’m letting go
For only you
Only You
Only You
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