Last night my husband and I watched Les Misérables. What an incredible story of courage, grace, and redemption! I’ve seen the musical and movie before, but this time it penetrated my heart in a deeper way. Now I have more of a firsthand understanding of the grace displayed. Only a year ago I was still struggling, like Javert. I was trapped in my own legalism unable to accept grace and forgiveness. Today, my life more relates to Jean Valjean, I have been transformed by grace and it overflows to those around me. I’m even learning to give myself more grace when I fall short.
Through Celebrate Recovery I’ve forgiven myself from the mistakes I’ve made, but there are still times I miss the life I once had. I don’t miss the alcoholism or the bulimia or the depression. I miss living the dream I was living. In the blink of an eye, my dreams unraveled before my eyes.
“I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.”
Watching this movie has stirred up so many emotions. I’m reminded of all that was lost and taken as a result of my choices. I wish I could go back in time and get help before my enslaving addiction caused me to hit rock bottom. Unfortunately I missed that opportunity and I’m faced with the reality that I am the one that caused my dreams to be crushed.
“…the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.”
Those first drinks were like a splash of cold water in the face, on a Texas summer day - So peaceful, my temporary respite. Gradually, that refreshing splash of cold water developed into a downpour - an addiction to alcohol. It consumed my life and in the end I was left feeling confused, broken, and shamed. Like Fantine, I was living in agony from the consequences I faced.
I had lost all hope, but my God was faithful, even when I wasn’t. His mercy is beautiful. He rescued me from the path I was on. I’m amazed at how He is restoring me. I’m an alcoholic, but God still sees so much more in me. His forgiveness and grace are taking root in my life in a way I’ve never known. I’m daring to dream a new dream as I realize His plan for me is beyond anything I could ever dream. I’m beginning to see myself as He does - a beautiful perfect child with a plan. Once again, I have passion - to share his grace with others, and I dream that I will never take for granted the grace that has transformed my life.
"Do not forget, do not ever forget," said the bishop, "that you have promised me to use the money to make yourself an honest man." (Les Misérables).
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