Positive Changes

There are so many positive changes that have come from my recovery journey.  It began with restoration and the returning of the joy of my salvation.  The miracle came when I was finally able to forgive myself.  All of the guilt, fear, and shame were gone.

  So much of my life and ministry were pruned away. There was a season of grieving, a season of healing, and now I'm seeing the season of restoration and regrowth. The new growth has been beautiful, but it takes time for growth to occur.  My new life looks so different than the life I once had, the life I thought I wanted.  I feel so much stronger, just like scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. Along with new strength is a sense of peace, a peace I've never known.

I'm learning to turn things over to God and to truly let go.  I"m also learning that I don't have to hide behind my mask - that "perfect image" I've worked so hard to maintain.  Jesus was made perfect so that I don't have to be.

My life is no longer focused on me and is no longer defined by the mistakes I've made.  It's about the grace and unconditional, never giving up love of my Savior, & how He was willing to do whatever it took to rescue me.

My God Box

As I continue this journey I keep maturing in my walk. I’ve come to the point where I’m truly ready to submit to any and all changes that God wants to make. I’m tired of playing God and

attempting to control my life. I find myself doing the same thing over and over as I go round and round obsessing over my life. I say that I’ve surrendered all to God, but I keep finding areas that I’m trying to hang on to. I’m ready to let go, but that is easier said than done. 

Today, I finally took my sponsor’s advice and made my own God Box. She has mentioned this many times but I wasn’t sure it was something I needed. I mean, I had already given it all to Him, or I thought I had. The problem is that I can’t seem to let go. 

My God Box is where I symbolically turn my fears and struggles over to God. By writing it down I’m saying that these areas are beyond my control. I realize that I need help; I need my Savior to take this one for me. Today I officially want to turn this worry or problem over to God. By faith, I’m taking a new step.

My first areas I’m turning over to God (again):

My need to control 
My self-image and how others see me 
My concerns and our struggles from choosing to be a single income family 
My inferiority complex and feelings of not being good enough 
My newest sponsee and my lack of confidence
My lack of leadership abilities
My relationship with my husband

·         Principle 5: Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.  Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “ Happy are hose whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.”

·         Step 6:  I was entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will life you up." (James 4:10)

More Like You

While sharing my inventory, my sponsor shared a quote that has echoed in my mind over and over. The more I ponder it the more it’s shaping my prayer life. I’ve done a little research on

Michelangelo’s famous quote on David. The marble of David was very old, and even of a poorer quality than most pieces used by artist. It had been worked on by 2 other sculptors, both walked away from the unusable piece of marble. That amazes me. How was such a masterpiece sculpted from what appeared to be inferior? When asked how he created David, Michelangelo replied: “I simply took away what wasn't David". How profound, yet simple. He just chiseled away what wasn’t needed. 

I Need You!

I finally completed my fifth step last night. What a relief to have that behind me. My sponsor shared great insight into one major life pattern that seems to keep setting me back. As a child I was taught to be independent and take care of myself. Throughout my life, I have a pattern of setting myself of for failure, while trying to achieve high expectations. Everything in my life has taught me to rely on myself. When I fail, I try harder; I try to fix things. But I wasn’t designed to rely on my strength. Self-reliance fails every time.

It seems with each step God slowly peels back another layer of my life. Unfortunately each layer has new areas that need to be exposed to His light, and with each layer there seems to be a new layer of denial to address. I’m getting really tired of this denial topic. Will it ever be a thing of the past?

In addition to still trying to run things in my own power, I have underlying fears that are holding me back. I fear not being in control. I fear having too much control. I fear not being taken care of and lack of security. I fear not being good enough, failing, and unworthiness.  This constant struggle of relying on self all stems from me not trusting God wholeheartedly. When I have these feelings, in a sense, I’m saying that Christ wasn’t good enough.  He was made perfect so that I don't have to be.  I need to truly turn my life over to His control.

I’m realizing that I still have lots of character defects that need His attention. They have deep roots. All this time I have been faithfully pulling the “weeds” in my life. I have worked so hard trying to maintain that perfect image. As each issue resurfaces I deal with it, I find a way to make it go away. But each time, they resurface. My self-reliance has failed me, but God is ready to do for me what I’ve never been able to do for myself. I have finally reached a point where I am ready to let God pull all the ugly weeds by their roots.

 During my first step study I honestly thought that it was all downhill at this point. I was so wrong. Step 6 is the step that separates the women from the girls. This is where I “voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life.” I’ve been trying to run things my way for so long that this step seems a bit overwhelming, but I’m so ready to take this step.

Father God, I'm desperate for you.  I'm reaching out.  I need you now.

If We Ever Needed You - Casting Crowns

 Hear our cry, Lord, we pray

Our faces down, our hands are raised

You called us out, we turned away

We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise

We do what is right in our own eyes

Our children now will pay the price

We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength

With all our minds, we're at Your feet

May Your kingdom come in our hearts and lives

Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

We're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, we're reaching out

If we've ever needed You

Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now

We are desperate for Your hand

We're reaching out, reaching out

We need You now

Revive us now

We need You now

Digging Deeper

I’m working through my inventory again. UGHUG. Why is this one so much more difficult than my first one??? My first inventory was more painful and so much longer, but it just poured out.

This time, I feel like I’m digging and digging and not sure why.

Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mountain out of molehill on the affects portion. I’m trying to understand my fears. I honestly didn’t realize I had so many. How is it that I’m still relying on my strength and not trusting God?

Today I’m confessing my fears to the Lord. I don’t want to be in bondage any more. I don’t want anything to hold me back. God is calling me to dig deeper. I want to be set free. “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

·         Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8)

·         Step 4: I Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.  “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.” (Lamentations 3:40)

Help me Find It

Help me find your will.  I’m so confused.  Last night I began addressing my inventory with my sponsor.   I had a few questions on how to word things to her liking, but for the most part it was complete.  I was surprised that she seemed concerned about my fear inventory.   I really don’t have fears.  I struggle with the fear of man – of how other see, but that’s pretty much it.   Well she seemed pretty convinced that I needed

to address my fears.

Honestly, I am a bit annoyed and frustrated.  We spent almost 2 hours rewording parts of my inventory and addressing fears that I’m not sure I have.  So here I am today trying to figure this out. Was she suggesting that I don’t trust God?  Do I really have fears?  Immediately I felt defensive.  I began to question and justify.

Is fear a sin?  I know that living in fear is bondage, but are some fears healthy? Isn't it the cause-effect relationship of fear that causes us to use discernment to avoid danger?  As my family was hiking along a cliff I was fearful of one of my daughters falling. I held them tighter, to protect them. When faced with a life-threatening situation, fear motivates me to get out of there.   It seems to be a God given instinct.

How about our conscious!  Sometimes God uses fear to get my attention when I’m heading down the wrong path. I believe that fear becomes a sin when it affects me in a way that keeps me from trusting God. When fear controls us and paralyzes us it becomes a bondage that hinders our faith.  After all fear is the opposite of faith.  Everything that does not come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23).That’s where the problem begins.  So often I take my eyes off my Savior and begin trusting in my own strength.

How Many Times

“How many times have I cried out to God to take this storm away? How many times have I wondered how I got to wear I am?” Too many to count. 

 But the thing is, though it’s not always easy, God is teaching to be content in all circumstances. Being thankful during the good times is easy, but I have never been thankful for the trials and difficult times that have come my way. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12. 

So as I move forward, I can have confidence in Him. He will not give me more than I can bear. Each step I take, He is holding my hand and restoring me. "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" (1 Peter 5:10). I’m so thankful for this promise. I know that my God is transforming me and making me strong in Him. He is softening my heart. The grace that He has poured out on me is overflowing. My once judgmental attitude has shifted and is full of mercy for others. 

My Hiding Place

I get so frustrated with myself. Almost 16 months into my recovery for alcoholism and the temptation returns. I really thought I was passed this. It’s been months since I've had a real craving, but this week has been a struggle. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.   I’m not sure where the desire came from, but it has been very strong. I believe it started with a simple out of town invitation. It was from one of my best friends, a friend that has been my side through life’s many ups and downs.

My friend is fully aware of my addiction and would never intentionally put me in an uncomfortable situation. But somehow I built things up in my mind and started thinking about the possibility of being around alcohol. 

My thoughts became consumed with alcohol, so much that eventually I dreamed about drinking again. That scared me; it angered me. My initial reaction was to isolate. I was so embarrassed that I was still dealing with this. But I know better than to keep thoughts like this to myself so I shared with my accountability partner and husband. But the desires continued and I was still craving a glass of wine. I shared my struggle with my open share group, but still no relief. As I prayed, I knew that I had to guard myself and the trip was not an option at this time. 

I reached out to my sponsor. Love her advice & reminders. "That won’t be the last time you will think about drinking, but God is helping create healthy boundaries of where you can go and do well and where you can’t. Once you tell your friend that you aren't going, the obsession should subside. It’s just part of the disease/flesh. As long as you don’t drink – It’s a good day!"

Great advice but do I really have to tell my friend??? The old me tried to sneak in. I’ll just make an excuse not to go. After all, I already the trip is the same day as the opening to the Celebrate Recovery movie Home Run.  She would understand. But just as the thoughts crossed my mind, I knew it was not the right response. The Bible says to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” I want to be healed. With tears, I told my friend the truth and immediately peace came. Of course my friend was full of grace and understanding.

I’m so thankful that I don’t have to walk this road alone. I’m amazed at the peace I have. I have been blessed with the most amazing support team. God is holding my hand and delivering me and making me stronger. 

Oh Lord! You are my refuge and deliver. I come to you with all my struggles and pain. You give me your peace that surpasses all understanding. You take my brokenness and heal me. You are my hiding place.

You Are My Hiding Place (Sara Groves)

Early when the day is new
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me

You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong

You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now

You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong

And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty (??-through the) pain
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm stand now   

"Awake My Soul"

I'm sitting here at a beautiful resort, relaxing.  That's why I'm here, taking time for respite, to get refueled. I had to learn the importance of Sabbath, or resting the hard way.

For years I poured my life into those around me, my cup became empty & my mouth was dry. When my cup was full, there was abundance. Serving God was easy, because His joy & His strength overflowed from my life, to those around me. Looking back, it seems so obvious: Take a break, get respite, I needed a refill. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let go, I couldn't ask for help.... My pride wouldn't allow it. Of course I justified these thoughts, believing that if God has called me to this, He will get me through it. I honestly thought that I had to keep up all the work that I was doing. The thing is I ran on empty for so long that I forgot what it felt like to be full. I got lost along the way.   My bones were dried up.  My Hope was lost. I had been cut off.  (Ezekiel 37:11).

Thankfully, that isn't the end of the story.  God resurrected me from the pit. He brought new life to the dead places in my life.  Part of me wishes that I had learned this lesson sooner.  Maybe I would have had the strength to keep going if I hadn't tried to rely on my strength.  Maybe I wouldn't have had to experience the loss that I experienced.  But then again, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I wouldn't have this testimony to share with others. I may have caused the fire that overtook me, but my God is able to make beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1 - 3)

Simple Life - An Oxymoron

So my teacher guide suggested a simple paper mâché project to go along with our in depth study of Charlotte's web. Simple, really? Now that's an oxymoron.  I think the author placed a hidden camera in the guide and is laughing at us.

Day 1: First, we created a base for our pig.  We taped half toilet paper rolls on balloons.  This in itself was a project.  Then the homemade glue turned out clumpy.  A leg broke off one of the pigs. As my daughter holds her beloved pig so I can repair the leg. Now her shirt is now covered in glue. By the end of the ordeal there was even glue in my hair.  

Day 1 Confession:   I made the girls clean up the huge mess before taking pictures. As I looked at the pictures, I realized that they didn't portray the true picture.  Once again I found myself trying to hide the mess and portray a pretty picture.

Day 2: Pigs sat on table staring at us.  I ignored them, insisting they needed more time to dry.

Day 2 Confession:  Today, I'm avoiding the mess that I created. I'm ready to give up on this project

Heal the Wound Leave the Scar

Last week I cut accidentally cut my hand, very badly. At first I kind of downplayed it, after all, it didn’t really hurt. I didn’t realize that my hand was numb and that the wound was much deeper than it first appeared. It needed to be cleansed and tended to. That’s when I realized the depth of the cut. That’s when the pain and even fear occurred.

I’m beginning to realize that my issues are deeper than I originally thought. Honestly, I thought this step study was more about stepping into the role of leadership and gaining confidence in who I was in Christ. I didn’t have high expectations or expect to experience healing. Wasn’t I passed that? When will the denial stop?

So tonight I hear my sponsor asking me that question she so often asks, “What’s your real answer?”. Early in my step study I wrote a letter to God. It sounded good as I talked about seeing myself through his eyes and the desire to deepen my relationship with God. But honestly I feel that I’m not getting anywhere, because I’m all over the place with my homework answers. I feel God peeling back another layer of the onion, and I think I’m trying to avoid it. I’m getting a bit too comfortable where I am.

So Miss Sponsor, here is my real letter to God.

Sheltering Trees

As a child I remember being so scared of punishment. I would hide, lie, or anything I could to avoid consequences. At times I was convinced that my parents no longer loved me and that’s why they punished me. I didn’t realize that they were trying to protect me, to shelter me from learning lessons the hard way.

Unfortunately, I never grew out of that mindset. I approached drinking the same way. I lied, tried to hide it, and did everything possible to avoid consequences. My first instinct was to hide the alcohol and keep on pretending that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth came out I was terrified. The storm that erupted set me in a panic. After all, storms can be scary, dangerous, and even destructive.

Failed to See the Truth

For most of my life I was so busy trying to do life in my own strength that I forgot who I was in Christ. At times my self-righteous attitude was so proud of the good I was doing that I missed the fact that it was only by God’s grace that I accomplished anything and that it was for His glory, not mine. The harder I tried to live life in my power, the more miserable I became. I missed the mark, forgetting that it was only “through Christ, I [could] do all things (Philippians 4:13). I lost the strength to keep going and eventually hit rock bottom. At that point I was so focused on the greatness of my sins that I failed to see the greatness of my Savior. I forgot that “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ” (Romans 8:11). I have wasted countless hours worrying about everything from money, to health, or the storms of life, overlooking the truth that “My God will supply all [my] needs according to His riches and glory” (Philippians 4:19). Not to mention the all-consuming fear that I carried around, even months into my recovery journey, dismissing the fact that “God hasn’t given [me] a spirit of fear, but power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

I have wasted too much time dismissing God’s truths. I know realize that my thoughts and words must be aligned with God’s word. I will move forward in victory for “Greater is He that is within me that he that is in the world” ( 1 John 4:4).

• Principle 4: Openly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust. “Happy are the pure in heart.”(Matthew 5:8) 
• Step 4: I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40

Adjusting My Sails

I wonder how Adam and Eve felt the moment they realized they were naked. How ashamed and broken they must have felt as they hid from God. I know that's how I felt when I entered recovery. Did they mourn all that was lost because of their sin? I mourned and mourned all the pain and disaster and loss that I caused my family. How did they adjust to life outside of garden?

That's the season I'm in now.  For the past 14 months I have been sheltered in my recovery bubble. I loved this time. I am happy, safe, and secure inside the realm of Celebrate Recovery, in the arms of my Savior. But now, I'm having to venture out. I'm having to face the real world. It's seems a bit overwhelming. There are constant reminders of who I used to be, or the image that I worked so hard to portray.

How do I move forward? What do I share? Do I dare let non CR people see a glimpse of my broken road? How will they judge me? I'm beginning to realize that I'm still carrying around so much pride. I've been delivered from my addictions and set free from the guilt, but today my pride is in full force. It looks so differently. I'm no longer arrogant and I don't see my self as better than others, but I'm still consumed with thoughts of how others see me.

The enemy knows just the right spot to attack - my pride.  It all began with a compliment.  I hadn't seen this lady in a few years and she started the conversation with how she admired all that I was able to handle.  ????  It caught me off guard.  She bought into the image I worked so hard to maintain.  In the past I would have been grateful for the compliment.  For those temporary boosts in confidence were just what I needed to face another day.  Well that and a bottle of wine. 

Today I was speechless.  I cowered.  I wanted to share my struggles, my journey, but I didn't.  Though I no longer try to maintain a perfect image or require accolades from others, I'm still struggling with pride.   How do I find the proper balance on what to share and when to share it?  I don't want to hide my testimony but I'm not quite ready to put it out there for all to see.  So today I continue moving forward and am learning to adjust my sails.



The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

It's so amazing how God puts in each of us a desire to know our Creator. And God promises that if we seek Him, we will find Him(Jeremiah 29:11). This week I came across a story that reminded me of some of the villages that I've visited. Many years ago, I had the privilege of sharing the gospel in India. Our message was a message of hope as we shared about the God that made the clay that they made their God's out of.

I want to share a story that my girls and I read during our school day this week.  We can't stop talking about it as it really touched our hearts.

The GOD Who Made Chaluba's Hands

Chaluba watched with pleasure as the thin shavings of wood curled away from his knife. Surely this would be the best god he had ever made. He had been carving idols ever since he was old enough to hold a knife in his hand, but never before had he made one with such a fierce expression on its face. Chaluba smiled as he carved the thin lines for the eyes, the mouth, and the hands.

New Growth Takes Time

For most of my life I've tried to maintain a perfect image. I was obsessed with how others saw me, and feared they might view me with the same negativity that I viewed myself. I had many acquaintances, but let few people get to know me. I constantly felt the need to portray my "super mom" image. Even during my lowest points, I appeared to have it together and others were amazed at all that I was "able to accomplish".  But truth be told, I wasn't able to live up to my unrealistic expectations or the image longed to portray.

My recovery journey has been quite the opposite experience.  I threw away my church mask and am learning to be transparent. I allowed others to see the messiness and ugliness I created, and you know what, they have held my hand on this journey. I have developed true accountability and been blessed with the most amazing friendships.

Last night I was so blessed to hear an amazing Celebrate Recovery testimony. I was reminded that I have to deal with the roots of my issues.  Alcoholism was only a surface issue, I need to go deeper.  My fear to disappoint and insecurities have entangled me far longer than the wine.  I only turned alcohol to ease the stress and mask the pain.

Navigating through recovery is a long journey.  To continue moving forward, I must look at my past a bit more closely.   Just as I find victory in one area, God seems to peel back another layer that needs to be addressed. I've come so far, yet have a long ways to go.  Not that long ago, my life appeared ruined from the storm that surrounded me.  My branches were damaged and so much of my life was pruned away, even my ministry.   That part was painful.

Last night's testimony restored a new sense of hope.   The lady shared of how many lives that God allowed her to play a small role in the healing process.  I love how God takes our mess and turns it into a message to reach others.  He isn't finished with me.   I feel inspired knowing that God still has a plan for my life.  He is truly transforming me from the inside out and new growth is appearing. Even though I feel inadequate, I'm learning that my value comes from God and that He longs to use me to make a difference. The transformation is a slow process, but it's a beautiful sight to see vibrant growth, where so much damage has taken place. 

Setting Boundaries

At times I get so caught up in all that I have to do that my "to do list" becomes my guide. I resort to an "auto pilot" state, one where I wasted many years, just coasting through life. Another pattern that I'm seeing is a life of codependency. I've spent too many hours thinking how can I make someone else's life better. In a sense I want to fix everyone, but in reality, the only person that I can change is myself.

This morning's devotional reading really hit home. It was about Moses, a man that I consider to be a great leader. I really relate to his "excuses" about not wanting to lead, especially the part about being a poor public speaker. But in mind, I always picture him a great leader, often over looking how he developed into a leader. What I realized this morning was that even Moses had a "sponsor" that challenged him to grow and encouraged him along the journey.

Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. 20 Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. 22 Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. 23 If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied.” (Exodus 18:17-20)

What great advice. If it worked for Moses, I bet it will work for me too. So often I want to take on everything and everyone's problems, but I'm learning that setting boundaries is essential in leadership. The past few weeks, I began to question a boundary that my co-leader and I set about not sponsoring anyone in the CR step study we are leading. Amazingly, all 16 ladies have found a sponsor and they didn't need us to fulfill that role.    

I have found that if I want to make an impact, it's more important that I stay connected to God in prayer and meditation, than service. Yes, service is important, but when I allow my service for God, to come before my devotion to Him, I grow weary, empty, and depressed. Even Jesus took time to recharge by spending time alone and praying. For so long I thought I was selfish for wanting my time, but I now realize that I'm happier, healithier, and even a better mommy when I take this time.  It gives me rest and better insight on how to handle llife and all the issues that come with it.

You Are My Strength

Yesterday I started to get overwhelmed with all that I was doing. There were so many situations and people that needed prayer or a listening ear. Then I started getting stressed at how far we are having to back track as we return to our homeschooling venture.

The thing is, I was trying to do in my own strength. Once again I was trying to control or fix things. I must stop trying to play God and not allow my life to become unmanageable again. I have learned that the harder I try, the more I struggle. I cannot do this on my own. I realize that I have limitations and imperfections. I must continually set aside my pride and daily surrender to God and seek His leading. I’ve tried to do life in my own strength and I really made a mess of things.

In Better Hands Now

I gave my life to Jesus at an early age. Though I had confessed Him as Lord, and believed in my heart that He died for my sins,it wasn’t until recently that I’ve started surrendering my will to Him. This is something that I have to do constantly, sometimes multiple times a day.

At times, this is still a struggle. I'm use to living my life on auto-pilot, just cruising through life. I haven't been intentional about seeking his guidance and help throughout the day.  As a result, I have missed out of so many of His gifts, His power. My willingness to turn things over is getting easier, since I've realized that my will power isn’t enough. I have tried to do things my way, and in my power, but my will power is nonexistent. Even though I attempt to control my actions (and those of other people), my control is only an optical illusion.

I just need to let go and quit trying to get in the way.So often I go to God & give him my cares and burdens. Then a short time later I discover that I’m still carrying it around. I also realize that my flesh is so weak and often gets in the way. Why am I still crawling around like a babe in Christ. It’s time to grow up in my salvation.

The Verdict - Not guilty

I'll be honest. I was so ashamed of the mistakes I made that it took months for me to accept God's forgiveness. I kept carrying around the guilt and shame.  Day after day I kept asking God to forgive me, but the thing is, he already had. 

Through Celebrate Recovery I realized that God was faithful, even when I wasn't (2 Timothy 2:13).  No mater what mistakes I've made, His grace is abundant.  I am no longer held  captive by the guilt.  By the blood of Jesus, I have been declared not guilty, and this not guilty verdict is for all of the sins, even the ones committed after salvation.  I've been fully acquitted and have a spotless record in the eyes of my savior.  

• Principle 3: Consciously choose to commit all of my life & will to Christ’s care and control. "Happy are the meek." (Matthew 5:5) 
• Step 3: I made a decision to turn my life and my will (that's the challenging part for me) over to the care of God. "Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy & pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. (Romans 12:1