My road to recovery has been one of much healing. I have learned many lessons and have the scars to prove it. Last week I shared about letting go of my emotional security blanket. I honestly thought that handing over of the scrapbooks would bring the closure I longed for; this was only partially true. I was blessed that I didn’t have to face it alone. Rochelle was there and I was able to truly express my emotions. I didn’t hold anything back; I felt relief and joy. I thought my healing was complete. Then she unintentionally drove by a place that triggored more emotion. She felt terrible, but honestly, I’m thankful it happened. I don’t believe that it was a coininceidence; I needed it for my healing.
Monday evening my friend asked how I was praying for the “angels” that are no longer part of my life. She seemed a bit shocked at my reply. I quit praying for them; I gave them to God. I was trusting that He was in control and knew what was best. Though this is true, my supression of feelings is still affecting the quality of my life – even my paryer life. I was justifying my actions and trying to hide my denial. I thought I Had given them to God, but truthfully I was still holding on to some of the pain. I had stuffed it way down. I may have numbed the pain, but wounds must be cared for, in order for copmlete healing to take place.
Yesterday, our friends joined us again. I’m so thankful for them. It’s rare to find a relationship where couples are transparent with each other, but in the case we are all able to open up. Our fellowship is real and we all encourage each other. I also treasure the relationships that our children are forming. I love watching them play & laugh. I especially enjoyed watching the older girls talk. They are matuing into little ladies and beginning to experience true friendship.
The day was going great. When we ventured to the water slide, their young son melted my heart & asked to ride with me. I felt special! I had the privilege of riding with him multiple times. At one point I did a head count of the children. When I counted the final & fifth child, it hit me; I had been here before. The resort is the same, but the people are different, especially me. I also recognized that I still have an open wound.
A scar indicates healing has taken place. Typically scar tissue is stronger than the skin around it. The thing is a scar no longer hurts. When Jesus heals our hurts, the pain is gone. I believe that when you are healed, the memories are transformed so that you can enjoy the precious memories, without feeling pain. This week I’m realizing that I still have a small laceration. It’s almost healed, but at times it still flares up.
Today I took the time to look through the photos from San Antonio - July 2011. My emotions are bittersweet. I smile at the pictures and am thankful that I had the opporutunity to share a season of life with 3 special angels. I may not have realized it at the time, but they came to me at one of my darkest hours. Only two weeks before meeting them, I had to help two others find their wings as I released them. As difficult as that was, I have been able to smile as I continue to watch the first ones sore.
It’s only with recent group, that my healing is incomplete. These angels were with me during the most difficult seasons of my life. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that I was sinking into depression and lonliness. I failed to grasp the lessons that they were teaching. I took them forgranted, for I thought they would always be with me.
Today I’m claiming Psalm 30:2 “God, I call to you for help, and you will heal me.” [You] bore my sins” on the cross, so that [I] might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by [your] wounds [I] have been healed” (1 Peter ). I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I am helpless and a bit impatient. I realize that healing is a gradual process, and I’m learning not to expect instant healing.
I also realize that the pain associated with healing, is necessary. The temporary pain helps close the wound and creates a way for permanent healing. The timing and process are God’s choices, and I must surrender all of my healing & expectations to Him. Ecclesiastes 3:3 reminds us that there is a time to heal. I believe that today my healing is complete.
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