I’m beginning to realize that my story, my testimony is part of me. There is no more pretending it didn’t happen. Even on vacation, I cannot escape it. The good, the bad, the emotions, and the miracle are part of me. I could try to stuff them way down and pretend they aren’t there. I’m on vacation, can’t I leave all of it at home and relax? Isn’t my recovery something that only has to be shared in the safe haven of CR? But my testimony is not for me alone. The wounds are healed, but the scars are visible for others to see. The lessons learned will never be forgotten. They must be shared for me to truly share the magnitude of miracle that has taken place.
Last night I met with a woman that I hadn’t seen in months. She had no clue about my short derailing. On the outside, I appeared to have everything together. My heart & desires were still focused on God. Though I justified my actions, I deserved a drink, I needed to relax, there was never a time that I was comfortable with my overindulgence.
As I began to share my story, she was shocked. She wanted to know what happened. I appeared to have an impeccable story with a promising beginning. Truth of the matter, I had so much going for me, but I lost the majority of it. It’s one thing to stumble as your walking. Typically, you can catch your balance quickly. But if you stumble, while carrying a burdensome load and walking one the edge, the fall will be hard & fast.
My fall was very painful, but let me assure you God was there through it all. He didn’t cause anything to happen. My pride is what led me down the wrong path, and my stubbornness is what kept me there. Even through that, God never left me alone, and He only let me stray far enough to get my attention. He only wanted the best for me, and He knew just what it would to make leave the broken road behind.
Before the storm hit, I got sidetracked. I started focusing on all the things I had going for me, and all of the great things I was doing. Somewhere along the way, I got more focused on what I was doing for God, than truly connecting in devotion to my God. I was on cruise control. I took the right roads and did the right things, but wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing! I was able to fool others; I was able to fool myself. The problem is, I had stayed on cruise control too long, and slowly drifted away. An accident was inevitable.
After the storm hit, I wasted several months “waiting for the storm to pass.” I think the devil loves that. The storm is difficult; it isn’t enjoyable. It’s easy to start dreaming about the rainbow. The rainbow is beautiful; it’s sign of God’s promise to us. The thing is it takes a storm to have a rainbow. I've also realized that this storm was preceded by a drought. When I look for patterns in my life, every drought has been preceded by isolation. I slowly begin to isolate myself from others and even from God. As a reulst my life becomes dry and unfruitful.
When I think about all that was lost, it seems like a cruel joke. Sometimes, it seems the punishment far outweighs the mistake, but this negativity takes away from the miracle that God has done. To be honest, I wouldn’t change a thing. For the first time in my life, I’m content where I am. Even as the storm surrounds me, I’m learning to be thankful for the storm, to treasure today, and allow God to use me, even now. “all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him.” (Philipians 3:8 The message)
In the movie “The Dawn Treader,” the wise little mouse declared “You know, extraordinary things only happen to extraordinary people… maybe it’s a sign?” I’m truly beginning to realize this. I may not know what my calling looks like, but I know God is preparing me for something extraoridinary.
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