Yesterday morning I woke up a little disappointed. I felt guilty for the feeling. My husband and I had a great date. For the first time in years, we went out and
truly had fun. We laughed, we
reminisced, we held hands, and we danced. It
was perfect. It started with a single
rose – the same color that he proposed with and evolved into a wonderful
evening together. He picked out a very
thoughtful gift – a gift certificate to a salon so that the girls and I could
get pedicures before our upcoming vacation.
This is something that I’ve always done, but he knew I wouldn’t spend
the money now. So yes – even the prefect
gift.
But I wanted something more.
I’m not quite sure what, but something.
This wasn’t just any date. It
was the 10th anniversary of the day he proposed. I’m sure most people don’t pay attention to
that one. We never have in the
past. But this year was different. I really didn’t expect us to be here
today. This past December, I thought our
marriage was over. He has stood by my
side through my addictions, the many losses that resulted from those
addictions, & even through the storm that is all around me now. I wish that I could say that I would have
done the same for him, but I’m not so sure.
We had been talking about this day and our special date for
quite some time. The anticipation was
high. Last month we celebrated the 10th
anniversary of the day we met. Yes, you
read that right. (We only knew each
other for 24 days before he proposed, but that’s an entirely different rabbit
trail.) Instead of going out to
celebrate, he joined me at CR. It was
birthday night & I was picking up my 6 month sobriety chip. Though this wasn’t in our “10 year plan,” I’m
thankful that with each season of life, the good and the bad, I see how God
hand picked the man that I’m blessed to call my husband.
I felt guilty. I
wasn’t upset with my husband. I prayed
and thanked God for giving me a great man, someone that not only takes care of
me, but someone that I have fun with. I
asked God to help me overcome the unrealistic expectations that I have in my
mind & to help me be thankful and content in the every day things.
Then, my husband wakes
up. He asked me if I was
disappointed. Really, who does that? My response, “I enjoyed our evening.” But were you disappointed? Do I really have to answer this question? I decide to be honest. I had a great time, but was expecting a
little something more. This was a date
that we have been on, time and time again, but it’s been awhile. It’s a great date, but with the exception of
the gift, it felt like a normal date.
That in itself is a huge blessing.
We had fun. I had worried that my
no longer drinking would cause awkwardness to our dating, but it hasn’t.
I shared my feelings about
not wanting to feel this way. And he
shared his desire to Wow me again; he was even praying that God would help
him. The conversation was going great, but
should have ended here. It was ok to admit that I enjoyed our date, but was a
little disappointed. If I said it was
perfect, he wouldn’t know that I would have liked a little more creativity. Everything so far was healthy, and I shouldn’t
have crossed this boundary.
Then he asked me if I was
disappointed in the gift. I honestly
wasn’t, but he kept pushing the issue.
In my heart I knew I should have kept quiet. I knew that nothing good comes from saying
anything more. But he pressured me,
even used CR words to get me to open up and throw it all out there. And so I did.
I openly shared everything, forgetting the part, “except when to do so
will harm you or others.” Proverbs says, "A fool vents all his feeling, but a wise man holds them back."(Proverbs 29:11) My foolish words crossed the lines of constructive criticism.
It started off innocently, with me admitting that it wasn’t
the gift I was disappointed in, but the fact that it wasn’t a surprise. I already knew about the gift, I heard him
talking about it on the phone. I should
have kept that to myself, what good could come from saying this? Then somehow the conversation gradually
spiraled out of control. We both said
things that shouldn’t have been said.
Well into the conversation, he told me that I needed to talk to my
accountability partner about my unrealistic expectations. That really struck a nerve. Who was he to tell me what to do when he
cannot be real with anyone in his life?
Then it hit me. He needs someone
in his life that he can be real with, someone that can inspire him and hold him
accountable in his walk with God, role as a husband, and being a daddy.
In the midst of my tears, I finally stopped the
conversation. I ran into our bedroom
and cried out to God. I asked Him to forgive me for things I said and
felt. I also asked Him to change my
desires to line up with His desires. I
want to see my marriage how God sees it, not how I think it should look. Wow, I’m loving how God is changing me. Yes, I messed up, but I quickly made amends
with God.
This is the first time in my life that I have ever walked
away from an argument & immediately started praying for God to change
me. Typically, I would pout about the
problems and if I did take it to God, it was only to ask God to fix the other
person. Today, when I began praying
for my hubby, it was for God to send him an accountability partner, someone
that would speak truth into his life, not just what he wants to hear. My husband has Godly friends, but needs
somewhere that he can openly share his heart.
It’s amazing how prayer and taking
a breather can change the mood. Moments
later, my husband came into the room. We
both swallowed our pride, apologized, & admitted the areas that we’re still
working on. Though I’m not proud of the
fight, but this too can be used for good – another lesson learned.
I also realize that I need to set more boundaries. I already have boundaries in place to
protect myself from being hurt or distracted by others, but I need more. I could look back at today and say that a
boundary was crossed when my husband kept “pushing” me to go deeper. But isn’t that human nature? Am I going to walk out of every conversation
that goes in that direction? It’s one thing to set boundaries for others, to
make sure that I’m respected & protected, but I believe that I need to set
boundaries for me. I need to think
before I speak. I need to not let others emotions and words control my thoughts
or the words that come out of my mouth.
I must know my limits and constantly discern my thoughts, to make sure
what I’m thinking isn’t going to harm others.
“Setting boundaries is not a more
sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are
setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The
difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:
when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.”
~ Robert Burney
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