In my Celebrate Recovery step study I tackled the steps to overcome my abuse
of alcohol & diet pills and an eating disorder. During this time, God gave has given me a new life in Christ and delivered me from my addictions. I have been transformed
from the inside out. I am a new woman.
The first 7 months of my sobriety journey, were a period of
mourning, mourning all that had been lost as a result of my addictions. When I stepped out of denial, my life was disorganized and all over the
place. It was like a huge jigsaw
puzzle, with all the pieces scattered on the table. It was kind of overwhelming. At first my fears were so great; I couldn’t
make much sense of it all. I was
randomly putting pieces together. God
was sitting next to me, comforting me.
At times He would reach over and help me put part of the puzzle
together. I just couldn’t do it on my
own, I needed my Savior. I couldn’t
quite see the big picture.
By the time I reached the amends
section of the step study, I began to feel freedom. Though I hadn’t been in recovery long enough
to say that I was recovering well from my addictions, I was well on my road to
recovery. I had already let go of so
much baggage; I was no longer struggling with my addictions. Additionally, I had been freed from SOME of
the lies that I had been listening to.
When I first came to CR, I felt that I had fallen too far from grace. My
sins were too great. I’ll never be used
for God, again. It was such a relief to
be freed from all this. I realized that
my ministry may have changed appearances, but God could still use me to help
others overcome their addictions. This
freedom brought joy, but still something was missing.
My sponsor kept assuring me that my miracle was just around
the corner. I kind of thought it
already happened. I had been freed and
was actually happy again. Things were so
much better than when I first started CR. I was willing to settle for this semi-peaceful
state. I didn’t deserve to be doing
this well, surly there wasn’t more waiting for me.
At this time, I heard Jesus saying, I’m not going to show
you everything at once, you’re not ready for it. And I’m glad he didn’t. I still wasn’t
ready. If he told me more, I honestly believe that I
would have ran, ran the other way, kind of like Jonah.
In a sense I did, for a season. Obviously, I was running in
the wrong direction, when I was still in denial about my addiction and the lies
that I held onto. But that was the past; those issues had been dealt with. There comes a point in your step study that
you get annoyed by the questions on denial.
Didn’t we deal with this weeks ago?
Why are we still discussing this?
Honestly, my answers started getting a bit sarcastic. Then I justified my sarcasm. I have let go. I am free.
I’m happy. Part of me even
thought I didn’t need CR anymore. I
knew that I could never drink again. I
knew that I had to set up boundaries and escape routes, in order to avoid the pitfalls of
relapse. I even realized my need for and
set up true accountability. Something I
had never had never had before. I
sometimes wonder if it wasn’t for the storm surrounding me, would I have
completed this step study? Would I have
missed the miracle?
See, I was still holding onto my security blanket of
lies. Sure, it looked different
now. You’ll never be able to share your
story. You will always live in fear. Fear of the future. Would more be taken?
Were more consequences coming? I was
still consumed by fears of the world. I felt that my God wasn’t big enough to take
away these feelings. Yes, He transformed
my life and freed me from my big sins and the lies, but I had accepted that these
feelings were going to be a thorn in my flesh, like Paul mentions in Second
Corinthians. I’ve always been good at
justifying my issues, sometimes I can even back them up with scriptures.
But, But what if this
storm overtakes me? What if my
reputation is destroyed. I was so
ashamed of my abuse of alcohol and the unintentional things that happened as a
result of that addiction, things that I don’t even remember. I was willing to share my journey to
overcoming my addictions, but there was no way that I could go deeper. My pride was too worried about what others
would think.
Then one day it happened, actually it was over the past week. The
miracle came. And it is way bigger than I could have imagined. I have been
freed of all of the baggage that I was still carrying. All of the guilt, shame, & fears are gone. I am truly free. It felt a little strange as it started to
happen. I had been carrying all that
baggage for so long, it had become part of me.
It was my comfort zone. Now it’s
gone. At this time it’s as if God handed
me the box, the box that my puzzle pieces were in. I can start to see the big picture; and it’s a
beautiful picture.
Again, I hear Jesus saying, you’re not ready for it. The picture still seems hazy, and there are
parts that I can’t quite make out. My
vision isn’t clear. I need God to let me look through His eyes, but that time is
still to come.
Though some questions remain unanswered, this transformation
brought restoration. The joy of my
salvation has returned. How I’ve missed
this. I’m back. No, I’ve
been remade; I’m someone better than I’ve ever been. I am being molded into the woman I was
created to be.
- Principle 7: Reserve a time with God for self-examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and His will for my life and to gain the power to follow His will. “Happy are the merciful.” “Happy are the peacemakers”(Matthew 5:7,9)
- Step 11: I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God praying only for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out. “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.” (Colossians 3:16)
From the inside out (Everlasting)
Hillsong United
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul,
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul,
Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
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